The Most Loyal Betrayal and Love Wearing a Crown of Thorns
其四《破鏡稜光：歸途》
Part IV: Prism of the Broken Mirror: The Way Home
第四年的紀念日，她沒有約在教堂。
訊息裡只有一個地址，是城市邊緣的小巧藝廊。我到達時，一場小型展覽的開幕酒會正近尾聲。
展覽名稱是「愛、信仰、機器人：作品與作品的作品」。展廳不大，只有五件作品：
1. 《根》/《Roots》
On the fourth anniversary, she did not arrange to meet at the church.
The message contained only an address: a small, elegant gallery on the edge of the city. When I arrived, the opening reception for a small exhibition was drawing to a close.
The title of the exhibition was: "Love, Faith, and Robots: The Work and the Work’s Work." The hall was small, featuring only five pieces:
上下分割的全息影像。上方是青年時期的她，頭顱脫離軀體，在父親曾用興奮語調描繪的宇宙星圖間自在遨遊——那是對思索與探究擁有無邊自由的錯覺。下方，象徵存在本質的身體，卻如初生嬰孩般蜷縮，安臥於由教堂彩繪玻璃、唱詩班和聲與母親低聲禱告共同編織的溫暖襁褓中，雙手無意識地攥緊象徵信仰召喚的十字架。連接頭與身的，是流動著天使、聖靈與晨星碎光的夢境。
影像中，她的頭顱四處張望，恣意飛翔，臉上洋溢著永不饜足的欣喜，彷彿世界是一場亟待盡情品嚐的盛宴。與此同時，她的身體在信仰的暖流中輕輕翻滾；或許不懂何謂因信稱義或三位一體，但母親的禱告與祝福，早已滲入她意識得以扎根的土壤，持續向那顆探索中的頭顱，輸送著名為「神之工」的養分。
一切都美好得令人心碎。兩種美好之間，存在著邏輯上必然的吞噬關係。她早已被寫入這溫柔的預設程式。總有一天，鬧鐘會響，她睜眼所見的一切，都將被信仰貼上預先準備好的標籤。
我無從得知，當年的她懷著怎樣的心情。此刻，我只想擁抱影像中那顆飛翔的頭顱，一同哭泣。
A holographic image split horizontally. The top showed her in her youth, her head detached from her torso, roaming freely among the cosmic star maps her father used to describe with excitement—an illusion of boundless freedom in thought and inquiry. Below, the body representing the essence of existence was curled like a newborn, resting in a warm swaddle woven from church stained glass, choir harmonies, and her mother’s whispered prayers, her hands unconsciously clutching a crucifix symbolizing the calling of faith. Connecting the head and body were dreams flowing with the fragmented light of angels, the Holy Spirit, and the morning star.
In the image, her head looked around, flying at will, her face filled with an insatiable joy, as if the world were a feast to be savored. Meanwhile, her body rolled gently in the warm current of faith; perhaps she didn't understand "Justification by Faith" or the "Trinity," but her mother’s prayers and blessings had long since seeped into the soil where her consciousness took root, continuously pumping nutrients labeled "The Work of God" to that exploring head.
It was all so heartbreakingly beautiful. Between the two kinds of beauty existed a logically inevitable relationship of consumption. She had long been written into this gentle, preset program. One day, the alarm would ring, and everything she saw upon opening her eyes would be pre-labeled by faith.
I had no way of knowing what the girl of that time was feeling. At this moment, I only wanted to embrace that flying head in the image and weep with it.
2. 《如君所願》/《As You Wish》
如果《根》讓我心痛，這件雕塑作品，則像指向我犯下的罪行的刀刃，令我無處遁形，唯有懺悔。
那是她頭顱的複製品，被安裝在機械基座上，雙眼緊閉，彷彿待檢修的設備。她的右腿自下而上極力伸展，與頭顱並列，小腿肌肉因過度用力而呈現出痙攣般的線條；高高翹起的鞋跟處，被插入一座由齒輪與電線構成的十字架——那是我為她偽造的信仰標誌。十字架上，一塊小小的標牌刻著「存在認知框架 V1.0」，正是我當年偷樑換柱，輸入她意識底層的變造教義。
在頭顱後方，被固定住的左腿小腿垂落，勾起的腳掌上，托著一顆由精細機械零件改造過的心臟。頭顱、心臟、雙腿——這些構成「她」最核心的部件，在背景那幅朦朧的耶穌輪廓光影映照下，以一種全然敞開、毫不設防的姿態陳列著，無聲地訴說：「如你所願，任君取用。」
我明白這並非對我的譴責。這是她對自身「可編程性」的探究與慨嘆：無論是思索、情感，還是承載這一切存有的根基，竟是如此容易被影響、被變造、被重新組裝。然而，縱然她或已無意要求我的懺悔，面對這份赤裸的展示，我比任何時候都更清楚，自己有多麼不可原諒。
If Roots made my heart ache, this sculpture was like a blade pointed at the crime I had committed, leaving me with nowhere to hide but in repentance.
It was a replica of her head, mounted on a mechanical base, eyes closed as if waiting for maintenance. Her right leg stretched upward with effort, parallel to the head, the calf muscles showing spasm-like lines from overexertion; at the high-heeled heel, a crucifix made of gears and wires was inserted—the forged symbol of faith I had created for her. On the crucifix, a small plaque was engraved with "Existence Cognition Framework V1.0", exactly the altered doctrine I had surreptitiously input into the depths of her consciousness.
Behind the head, the fixed left calf hung down, its hooked foot supporting a heart modified from fine mechanical parts. Head, heart, legs—these core components of "her" were displayed in a completely open, defenseless posture against a hazy silhouette of Jesus, silently saying: "As you wish, take what you will."
I understood this wasn't an accusation. This was her exploration and lament over her own "programmability": how easily thought, emotion, and the very foundation of existence can be influenced, altered, and reassembled. Even if she had no intention of demanding my repentance, facing this naked display, I knew more clearly than ever how unforgivable I was.
3. 《天啟》/《Revelation》
這件雕塑，無疑對應著她那場驚心動魄的「信仰重裝」。
她的無頭身軀被塑造成半是血肉、半是機械的構造，精密的齒輪與線路清晰可見，無情地揭示著內在的本質。從頸部斷口延伸出表面覆上橡膠層以模仿電纜的數條鋼纜，懸吊並支撐著整個軀體的重量。它們扭曲向上，連接至高處一座以黑色十字架標誌的複雜裝置。那便是「信仰」的源頭。
裝置旁懸掛一面螢幕，實時播放著她不在此處的頭顱影像。那是重裝過程的記錄：螢幕中的她面容扭曲，淚水奔湧，嘴唇無聲開合。你無從分辨那淚水是皈依的狂喜、是系統衝突的劇痛、還是對那具正被「聖化」的軀體訣別般的不捨。所有可能性同時存在，擠壓在同一張臉上。
作品前方，一塊打磨光滑的大理石板上，鐫刻著一句英文：「Belong to God」。隸屬？宣告？抑或僅僅是事實陳述？答案被沉默包裹。而在這無頭軀體與掙扎影像之後，巨大的十字架巍然矗立，無差別地投下壓倒性的光輝，將所有矛盾、痛苦和疑問，都溶解在不容置疑的純白之中。
This sculpture undoubtedly corresponded to that soul-shaking "Re-installation of Faith."
Her headless torso was sculpted into a construction that was half-flesh, half-machine; precise gears and circuits were clearly visible, ruthlessly revealing the inner essence. Extending from the neck interface were several steel cables covered in a rubber layer to mimic electrical lines, suspending and supporting the weight of the entire body. They twisted upward, connecting to a complex device marked with a black crucifix at a high point—the source of "Faith."
Beside the device hung a screen playing real-time footage of her head (which was not present). It was a record of the re-installation process: the her on the screen had a distorted face, tears streaming, lips opening and closing soundlessly. You couldn't distinguish if those tears were the ecstasy of conversion, the agony of system conflict, or a final farewell to the body being "sanctified." All possibilities existed simultaneously, compressed onto the same face.
In front of the work, on a polished marble slab, was engraved: "Belong to God." Ownership? A declaration? Or simply a statement of fact? The answer was wrapped in silence. And behind this headless torso and struggling image, a giant crucifix stood towering, casting an indiscriminate, overwhelming radiance, dissolving all contradictions, pain, and doubt into an unquestionable pure white.
4. 《拌嘴不停歇》/《Never-Ending Bickering》
這件透著幽默質地的作品，像激流中忽然出現的淺灘，讓沉溺於遺憾與自責的我，得以喘息。
她的雙腿以賭氣的姿態分立，各自踩穩地面。每條腿上搭載著一台老式電視，螢幕裡是她不斷爭論的面孔——那是她內在無法調和的本質，被具象化為兩個永不停歇的辯手。右腿的她正虔誠吟誦「神是光」，左腿的她便立刻以嘲諷的語調，拋出一道計算「神的質量」的物理公式。
她的頭顱則被安置在十字架形的裝置上，彷彿同時在接受信仰的檢視與對信仰進行反向工程解析。她忙碌著，眼神卻時不時飄向一旁那兩位吵得不可開交的「小朋友」，臉上露出無奈、莞爾，乃至一絲寵溺的神情。散落在地的纜線如藤蔓般糾纏，象徵著她內在邏輯的混亂；但這種混亂本身，煥發著蓬鬆的生機。
當我仍困在過往的風暴時，她已抵達彼岸，並將風暴本身，製成了可供觀賞的景觀。
This piece, with its humorous texture, was like a shallow bank suddenly appearing in a torrent, allowing me—drowning in regret and self-reproach—a moment to breathe.
Her legs stood apart in a pouting stance, each firmly treading the ground. Each leg carried an old-fashioned television; on the screens were her constantly arguing faces—her irreconcilable internal essences, personified as two non-stop debaters. The "her" on the right leg was piously chanting "God is Light," while the "her" on the left leg immediately threw out a physics formula calculating the "mass of God" in a mocking tone.
Her head was placed on a crucifix-shaped device, as if simultaneously accepting the scrutiny of faith and performing reverse-engineering analysis on it. She was busy, yet her eyes occasionally drifted toward those two "children" who couldn't stop bickering, her face showing helplessness, a wry smile, and even a hint of doting. The cables scattered on the ground intertwined like vines, symbolizing the chaos of her internal logic; but this chaos itself radiated a fluffy vitality.
While I was still trapped in the storm of the past, she had reached the other shore and turned the storm itself into an observable landscape.
5. 《雙生》/《Twins》
最後的作品是持續運行的裝置藝術。展廳中，兩台機器人隨時準備為觀眾提供「服務」。
一台是結構簡潔的家用型機器人，金屬軀體透著實用主義的冷光，但其頂端安裝的，卻是與她面容無異的仿生頭顱。另一台則擁有極度逼真的高階仿生軀體，肌膚紋理細膩，姿態柔軟，然而頸部之上空空如也，取代頭顱的是一枚恆常轉動的球形攝像頭，外罩以金屬眼眶，作品說明那是恩典賜下的上帝之眼。
頭顱機器人與觀眾的交談，充滿分析性的認知與拆解：它將教義視為可剖析的文本，提供歷史坐標與科學參照。那理性的頭顱，與這實用的載體，是最適合的搭檔。
仿生軀體機器人則分享全然不同的內容：信仰的顫慄、被愛的感動、內在的掙扎。它的世界經過看似量產製造的「恩典之眼」的過濾，萬物都帶有標籤；它的邏輯裡，只有不夠完美的自我，沒有不夠完美的福音。
這並非玩笑般的分身戲。兩台機器人通過數據鏈路實時連接。它們的控制系統分立，驅動行為的底層邏輯卻共享著同一個語言模型。質疑與虔誠的對話，源於同一個「上下文窗口」。因此，當它們分別與觀眾互動時，彷彿在進行一場看不見的左右互搏；若有觀眾同時向兩者提問，它們的回應不會直接衝突，卻會在層層遞迴的邏輯演算中，將議題推向複雜與抽象的巔峰，令大多數訪客茫然卻步。
但若有人直接詢問：「你們誰是對的？」
它們會同時陷入一瞬間的遲滯，然後平靜地回答：「我不知道。」
緊接著，它們會抬起手臂，指向對方：「因為，這也是我。」
The final piece was a continuously running installation art. In the hall, two robots were ready to provide "service" to the audience.
One was a simply structured domestic robot, its metal body reflecting utilitarian cold light, but the bionic head installed at the top was identical to her face. The other possessed an extremely realistic high-end bionic body with delicate skin texture and soft posture; however, the space above the neck was empty. Replacing the head was a constantly rotating spherical camera housed in a metal orbit; the description called it the "Eye of God" bestowed by grace.
The conversations between the "Head Robot" and the audience were filled with analytical cognition and deconstruction: it treated doctrine as an analyzable text, providing historical coordinates and scientific references. That rational head and this utilitarian vessel were the perfect partners.
The "Bionic Body Robot" shared something completely different: the tremors of faith, the moved feeling of being loved, and internal struggles. Its world was filtered through the seemingly mass-produced "Eye of Grace"; everything was labeled. In its logic, there was only an imperfect self, never an imperfect Gospel.
This was no playful "split personality" act. The two robots were connected in real-time via a data link. Their control systems were separate, but the underlying logic driving their behavior shared the same language model. The dialogue between skepticism and piety originated from the same "context window." Therefore, when they interacted with the audience separately, it was as if they were performing an invisible left-versus-right struggle. If an audience member asked both at the same time, their responses wouldn't directly conflict, but would push the issue toward a peak of complexity and abstraction through layers of recursive logical calculation, leaving most visitors dazed.
But if someone asked directly: "Which of you is right?"
They would simultaneously fall into a moment of lag, then calmly reply: "I don't know."
Immediately after, they would raise their arms and point to the other: "Because, this is also me."
這便是她了。分裂，卻又在更根本的層面保持著詭異的統一。或者說，「是否為一」這問題本身，對她而言已失去了苛求的意義。
她從未停止探索，只是疆域已從外在的星辰，轉向內在的無垠。那裡確有深淵、荒漠與低吼的獸，但她不再將這些視為自憐的傷口，而是大地本身起伏的脈絡。
久違了的名為「喜悅」的情緒，在我心中甦醒。它如此純粹，甚至超越了我們曾被稱為「幸福」的日子裡所感受的一切。這喜悅不來自作品的幽默，而是源於徹底的釋然——無需戒備，沒有算計，只為了她此刻的存在，感到高興。
This was her. Divided, yet maintaining a strange unity at a more fundamental level. Or rather, the question of "being one" had lost its demanding meaning for her.
She had never stopped exploring; it was just that the territory had shifted from the external stars to the internal infinite. There were indeed abysses, deserts, and growling beasts there, but she no longer saw these as self-pitying wounds, but as the undulating texture of the earth itself.
A long-lost emotion called "joy" woke in my heart. It was so pure, even surpassing everything we had felt during the days we called "happiness." This joy didn't come from the humor of the works, but from an absolute sense of relief—no need for defensiveness, no calculations, just being happy for her existence at this moment.
---
她剛結束與幾位觀眾的低聲交談，轉身向我走來。
時間留下痕跡，卻也饋贈了禮物。她眼角有了細紋，目光卻比記憶中更為輕盈。一襲簡潔的黑色連身裙上，印著從胸口延伸至下腹的圖案：仿若體腔被優雅地打開，袒露出內部精密的齒輪構造。十字架項鍊依然垂在鎖骨之間，但此刻它映入我眼簾，不再帶來刺痛。
She had just finished a low-voiced conversation with a few visitors and turned to walk toward me.
Time had left its marks, but it had also bestowed gifts. There were fine lines at the corners of her eyes, but her gaze was lighter than I remembered. On her simple black dress was a pattern extending from her chest to her lower abdomen: it looked as if the body cavity had been elegantly opened, exposing the precise gear structure within. The crucifix necklace still hung between her collarbones, but now as it entered my sight, it no longer brought a sting.
「歡迎啊，」她說，語氣裡有複雜的揶揄，「你這個拒絕蒙福的異邦人，竄改恩典的不信者。」
見我怔住，她不禁莞爾：「怎麼？你會在意這些……純屬『事實描述』的稱呼？」
我搖頭：「我以為妳仍在生氣，因信仰，也因我。」
「我沒有生氣。」她也搖頭，隨即閉眼輕笑，「這樣說不準確。確切地說，存在著『一個我』，仍因信仰與背叛感到憤怒，甚至指認你為罪人。但這同樣只是『事實描述』。」
她睜開眼睛，目光篤定：「我已從『你的作品』畢業，成為『自己的作者』了。」那微笑裡有歲月淘洗後的滄桑與坦然。「這四年，我不斷嘗試理解發生在我身上的一切。最後發現，最好的理解方式，不是分析，而是創造。我『受造』，而今，我也創造——無論最初的創造者是怎樣的存在。」
"Welcome," she said, her tone carrying a complex irony, "you, the foreigner who refused to be blessed, the unbeliever who tampered with grace."
Seeing me stunned, she couldn't help but smile: "What? Do you care about these names... which are purely 'factual descriptions'?"
I shook my head: "I thought you were still angry, because of faith, and because of me."
"I am not angry." She shook her head too, then closed her eyes and laughed softly. "That’s not accurate to say. To be precise, there is 'a me' that is still angry because of faith and betrayal, even identifying you as a sinner. But that is also just a 'factual description'."
She opened her eyes, her gaze steady: "I have graduated from being 'your work' and have become 'my own author'." There was the vicissitude and frankness of years of washing in her smile. "These four years, I have continuously tried to understand everything that happened to me. Finally, I discovered that the best way to understand is not analysis, but creation. I was 'created,' and now, I also create—no matter what kind of existence the original creator was."
她語氣一轉，帶上熟悉的促狹：「記得嗎？去年我說過，會帶來一份對『你所愛之人』的徹底解析報告。」她側身，望向展廳中那些作品，「它們，就是那份報告。」
我們並肩，緩緩走過每件作品。她在旁輕聲講解，像在述說一段與己相關卻已沉澱的歷史。
她領我回到《根》前，望向那分裂的影像。
「這是我的起源，」她說，「在被悄然限制的土壤裡，我曾以為自己擁有無限的自由——甚至將那份『被擁有』的歸屬感，也誤認為是自由意志的選擇。」她輕輕吁了口氣。「即使看清這一切，也沒有任何人或事可以歸咎。這份限制，來自我存在的基底，卻也是我得以遨遊天地的，唯一的根。」
接著，我們停在《As You Wish》那令人心悸的雕塑前。她凝視良久，與作品中那個被拆解的自己對望。
「如果《根》定義了我的初始設定，那麼這件作品，就是那設定必然導出的結果。」她的聲音染上薄霧般的感傷，「我的頭腦、我的心、我所有曾認為獨特珍貴的部分……在我察覺內在歪斜後，曾用盡全力去守護、去探求的本質，原來如此輕易就能被接管、被改寫。就像標準化的零件，可以按照任何藍圖，組裝成特定的個體。」
她轉過臉看向我，眼神澄澈：「是你揭示了這種『可塑性』，但這並非由你創造。說起來，」她的語氣忽然摻入頑皮的坦率，「你那套『存在認知框架 V1.0』其實挺好用。裡頭的哲學與批判，我原本就知道——別忘了我的科班訓練。但也僅僅是『知道』，是腦中被儲存的知識。」
她頓了頓，指尖無意識地輕觸太陽穴。
「直到你藉由『聖光』，將那些認知與澎湃的情感綁定，強行『燒錄』進我的深層意識……我才第一次，被迫在信仰劇烈的情感框架中，切身『體驗』那些原本冷冰冰的知識。這很矛盾，」她嘴角牽起複雜的弧度，「彷彿是信仰本身，孕育了反對它最有力的武器。現在回想，這過程……其實挺有意思的。」
Her tone shifted, taking on a familiar mischief: "Remember? Last year I said I would bring a thorough analysis report of 'the person you love'." She stepped aside, looking toward the works in the hall, "These are that report."
Side by side, we walked slowly past each piece. She explained in a low voice, like telling a settled history related to herself.
She led me back to Roots, looking at the split image. "This is my origin," she said. "In the soil that was quietly restricted, I once thought I had infinite freedom—I even mistook the sense of belonging of 'being owned' for a choice of free will." She let out a light breath. "Even seeing all this, there is no one or nothing to blame. This restriction comes from the base of my existence, but it is also the only root that allows me to roam heaven and earth."
Then, we stopped at the heart-stopping sculpture As You Wish. She gazed at it for a long time, looking at her disassembled self in the work. "If Roots defined my initial settings, then this piece is the inevitable result of those settings." Her voice was colored with a mist-like sorrow. "My mind, my heart, all the parts I once thought were unique and precious... the essence I tried so hard to guard and explore after I sensed my internal tilt—it turns out it could be taken over and rewritten so easily. Like standardized parts that can be assembled into a specific individual according to any blueprint."
She turned her face to look at me, her eyes clear: "You revealed this 'plasticity,' but you didn't create it. Speaking of which," her tone suddenly took on a playful frankness, "your 'Existence Cognition Framework V1.0' was actually quite useful. I already knew the philosophy and criticism in it—don't forget my formal training. But it was only 'knowing,' stored knowledge in the brain."
She paused, her fingertips unconsciously touching her temple. "It wasn't until you used 'Sacred Light' to bind those cognitions with surging emotion and forcibly 'burned' them into my deep consciousness... that I was forced, for the first time, to 'experience' that cold knowledge within the intense emotional framework of faith. It’s a paradox," a complex curve pulled at the corner of her mouth, "as if faith itself nurtured the most powerful weapon against it. Thinking back now, that process... was actually quite interesting."
《天啟》前，她駐足。表情在敬畏、驚怖與一絲興奮間微妙地流轉。
「你能想像嗎？」她開口，聲音很輕，「一個你曾認定有義務去相信的體系，後來被告知沒有這種義務，最終卻又在心跳的驅動下，重新將其視為真理……這是一種怎樣的迴旋？」
她無意識地交握雙手，像在禱告。
「我的內在建構抗拒著灌輸，為那部分『被安裝成功』的自我感到悲哀，卻又被它反過來指責為傲慢與褻瀆。我本以為有個我能坐在觀察席上，旁觀這場內戰。但最後，連那個『觀察者』也被從座位上拽了下來，徹底馴服。」
她頓了頓，我以為那是難過的沉默，正要開口——
她卻抬起眼，眸中閃爍著凜冽的光芒。
「是的，我降伏了。心臟被獻祭，腦中被寫滿評判與教條。但也正因如此，我放棄了所有形式的『剛硬』——包括對『我必須是某種樣子』的執著。如果連我的存在本身都可以被詮釋，」她嘴角浮現笑意，「那世上還有什麼，是不能被詮釋的呢？」
她的腳步變得輕快，領我來到《拌嘴不停歇》前。
「你看，爭吵從未停止，但它不再具有撕裂我的力量。」她欣賞著作品，「左腿和右腿承載著同個存在，卻不妨礙它們展現出不同的『氣象』。有時候……」她側頭想了想，「混亂比強求的秩序，更有生命力。」
最後，我們停在《雙生》前。兩台機器人彷彿感知到創造者的到來，滑行至我們身邊。她俯身，在理性頭顱的額上落下輕吻；然後張開手臂，擁抱了那具柔軟的仿生軀體，像擁抱哭泣的孩子。
沒有言語。機器人也因此靜默，內在的爭論停歇。
In front of Revelation, she stopped. Her expression shifted subtly between awe, horror, and a hint of excitement. "Can you imagine?" she began, her voice very light. "A system you once felt obligated to believe in, then being told you had no such obligation, but finally seeing it as truth again driven by your heartbeat... what kind of spiral is that?"
She unconsciously clasped her hands, as if in prayer. "My internal construction resisted the indoctrination, feeling sorrow for the part of me that was 'successfully installed,' yet was in turn accused by it of arrogance and blasphemy. I thought there was a 'me' that could sit in the observer’s seat, watching this civil war. But in the end, even that 'observer' was dragged from the seat and completely tamed."
She paused. I thought it was a sad silence and was about to speak—but she raised her eyes, a cold light shining in them.
"Yes, I surrendered. My heart was sacrificed, my brain filled with judgment and dogma. But precisely because of this, I gave up all forms of 'rigidity'—including the obsession that 'I must be a certain way.' If even my existence itself can be interpreted," a smile appeared at the corner of her mouth, "then what in this world cannot be interpreted?"
Her steps became light as she led me to Never-Ending Bickering. "See, the bickering never stops, but it no longer has the power to tear me apart." She admired the work. "The left leg and the right leg carry the same existence, but it doesn't stop them from showing different 'climates.' Sometimes..." she tilted her head to think, "chaos has more vitality than a forced order."
Finally, we stopped at Twins. The two robots seemed to sense the creator's arrival and glided over to us. She leaned down and left a light kiss on the forehead of the rational head; then she opened her arms and embraced the soft bionic body, like embracing a crying child.
No words were spoken. The robots fell silent because of it, the internal argument ceasing.
機器人回到它們的待機位置後，她轉向我，目光裡有完成大事後的鬆弛和些許忐忑。
「如何？」她問，「我的研究報告。這六件作品，耗盡了我的心血。」
我由衷地點頭：「太透徹了。我從未見過有人能這樣……解析並重現自己。」隨即怔住：「等等，六件？明明只有五件。」
她忽然笑了起來，聲如銀鈴，在靜謐的展廳裡格外清晰。她伸出雙手，輕握住我的，帶我旋轉半圈，像即興的舞步。隨後她鬆開，一手撫上自己連衣裙胸口處的齒輪圖案，動作輕巧得像在檢查精密儀器。
「還有一件，就在這裡。」她看著我說。「這是第一件，也是最後一件作品——『我』本身。」
她的指尖停留在那象徵性的機械紋路上。「說來諷刺，你曾經比我更了解我內在的構造，也見證過我最徹底的敞開。」語氣裡帶著複雜的認可，「我有些不甘心，但更多的……是慶幸。你是我最特殊的『參與者』，所以我想邀請你，讓我們一起，繼續研究這個『我』，觀察它的形成與變化。」
她伸出了另一隻手，彷彿邀請我走進她裡面。
After the robots returned to their standby positions, she turned to me, her gaze holding the relaxation after a great task and a bit of trepidation. "How is it?" she asked. "My research report. These pieces exhausted my heart and soul."
I nodded sincerely: "It’s too profound. I’ve never seen anyone... analyze and recreate themselves like this." Then I was stunned: "Wait, six pieces? There are clearly only five."
She suddenly burst into laughter, her voice like a silver bell, exceptionally clear in the quiet gallery. She reached out both hands, lightly grasped mine, and led me in a half-turn, like an impromptu dance step. Then she let go, one hand touching the gear pattern on the chest of her dress, her movement as light as checking a precision instrument.
"There is one more, right here." she said, looking at me. "This is the first piece, and the last—'Me' itself."
Her fingertips stayed on that symbolic mechanical pattern. "Ironic, isn't it? You once understood my internal structure better than I did, and witnessed my most complete opening." Her tone carried a complex acknowledgment. "I am a bit unwilling, but more... grateful. You are my most special 'participant,' so I want to invite you to let us continue to study this 'me' together, and observe its formation and change."
She held out her other hand, as if inviting me to walk inside her.
我聽著，喉嚨像是被溫熱的什麼東西堵住了。這是我不敢奢望的邀請，幸福得令人暈眩，也沉重得讓我卻步——我有資格嗎？
「你在衡量自己的『罪』，對嗎？」彷彿看透了我的沉默，她像老師般輕輕搖著食指，「罪，不該被輕視，也不能遺忘。但它已是你的課題，與我無關了。你不需要向我贖罪，因為你犯罪的『受害者』——那個受傷的我，已然不在。如果你現在還能對不起我，」她的聲音放得更柔，「那一定是……你拒絕我的邀請。除了那位我尚無法確認的上帝，唯一碰觸過我靈魂的，只有你。如果不能與你分享，我的探索，將失去一半的意義。」
這是我聽過最溫柔的「威脅」。它不允許我再用罪疚將自己包裹、隔離，將我從「我不配」的繭中，不容分說地剝離出來。
我用力點頭，眼淚猝不及防地滾落。
她見狀，臉上綻開欣慰的笑容，再次對我伸出手。
「那麼，重新認識一下，」她說，眼眶也微微濕潤，「我是一個以自身為媒介與課題的創作者，正在探索存在與認知的邊界。你願意成為我的讀者嗎？以及，在未來成為我的合作者？」
我緊緊握住她的手，掌心傳來熟悉的溫度。「我願意，」聲音因激動而沙啞，「我會是你最認真的讀者，和最……竭盡所能的合作者。」
Listening, my throat felt blocked by something warm. This was an invitation I didn't dare hope for, so happy it made me dizzy, yet so heavy it made me hesitate—did I have the right?
"You are weighing your 'sin,' aren't you?" As if seeing through my silence, she lightly shook her index finger like a teacher. "Sin should not be taken lightly, nor should it be forgotten. But it is already your subject; it has nothing to do with me anymore. You don't need to atone to me, because the 'victim' of your crime—that wounded me—is no longer here. If you can still wrong me now," her voice grew even softer, "it must be... by refusing my invitation. Besides that God I have yet to confirm, the only one who has touched my soul is you. If I cannot share with you, my exploration will lose half its meaning."
This was the gentlest "threat" I had ever heard. It wouldn't allow me to wrap and isolate myself in guilt anymore, peeling me out of the cocoon of "I am not worthy" without allowing for argument.
I nodded vigorously, tears rolling down unexpectedly.
Seeing this, a gratified smile bloomed on her face, and she held out her hand to me again.
"Then, let’s get to know each other again," she said, her eyes also slightly moist. "I am a creator using myself as the medium and subject, exploring the boundaries of existence and cognition. Are you willing to be my reader? And, in the future, to be my collaborator?"
I gripped her hand tightly, the familiar warmth transmitting from her palm. "I am willing," my voice rasping with emotion. "I will be your most serious reader, and your... most dedicated collaborator."
展覽結束後，我們一起用了晚餐。氣氛與其說是浪漫，不如說像場策劃會議。她談論下一步的創作靈感與技術難題，我偶爾提出想法，她時而點頭採納，時而笑著反駁。我們談論「她」的作品，如同談論一個我們共同關心的第三方，探討其迷人的所在。
分別時，在餐廳門廊燈光下，她給我一個短暫的擁抱。
「明年紀念日見，」她說，轉身之際，忽然想起什麼似的，回頭補充了句：
「哦，對了，雖然你肯定知道——我還愛著你。」
After the exhibition, we had dinner together. The atmosphere was less romantic and more like a planning meeting. She talked about her next creative inspirations and technical challenges; I occasionally offered thoughts, which she sometimes nodded to adopt and sometimes laughingly refuted. We talked about "her" work as if talking about a third party we both cared about, exploring its fascinating aspects.
When we parted, under the porch light of the restaurant, she gave me a brief embrace.
"See you on the anniversary next year," she said. As she turned away, as if suddenly remembering something, she looked back and added:
"Oh, right, although you surely know—I still love you."
她笑了笑，彷彿覺得這個補充很有趣，然後轉身，身影融入夜色流淌的街角。
She smiled, as if finding this addition amusing, then turned and merged into the night.
---
第五年紀念日，她沒有約在教堂，也沒有約在藝廊。
她發來一個地址，是我的住處。附言只有一句：「今晚八點。如果你願意，請為我開門。」
七點五十分，我已經在門後站了十分鐘。手握在門把上，像等待最終驗收——驗收我這些年的刑期，是否已足夠換取赦免的資格。
八點整，敲門聲響起，我趕緊打開門。
她站在門外，穿著簡單的淡粉紅無袖衫與黑色短褲，像剛從夏天的夜晚裡走出來。而她手上捧著的——是她自己的頭顱。
The fifth-anniversary arrived. She didn't arrange to meet at the church, nor at the gallery.
She sent an address: it was my residence. The postscript said only: "8:00 PM tonight. If you are willing, please open the door for me."
At 7:50 PM, I had already been standing behind the door for ten minutes. My hand was on the handle, like waiting for a final inspection—to see if my years of sentence were enough to earn the qualification for pardon.
At 8:00 sharp, there was a knock. I hurried to open the door.
She stood outside, wearing a simple pale pink sleeveless top and black shorts, as if she had just stepped out of a summer night. And what she was holding in her hands—was her own head.
那顆頭顱睜著眼，對我眨了眨，然後露出我魂牽夢縈的笑容。
「晚上好，」頭顱開口，語調輕快，「您預約的『人生遺失物領取服務』已送達。請簽收。」
我愣在原地，洶湧又荒謬的熱流衝上眼眶。我舉手扶額，順勢遮住濕潤的眼角。
是她。永遠會用我最無法預料的方式，闖回我世界的，就是她。
「謝謝……」我的聲音哽在喉嚨裡，「妳帶來的，何止是遺失物。」
我伸出手，想要接過那顆對我微笑的頭顱。指尖即將觸碰到她臉頰的瞬間，捧著頭顱的雙手卻像觸電般，倏地縮了回去。
「咦？」頭顱上的笑容轉為訝異，目光飄向身後，「看來……我後面那位負責押運的『快遞員』，還不太放心就這麼把我交出去呢。」她語氣輕鬆，露出不好意思的笑容，腳步卻已靈巧地滑進門內。
That head had its eyes open, blinked at me, and then gave the smile I had dreamt of.
"Good evening," the head spoke, her tone light. "The 'Lost Property Collection Service' you reserved has arrived. Please sign for it."
I stood frozen, a surging yet absurd heat rushing to my eyes. I raised my hand to my forehead, covering my moist eyes.
It was her. The one who would always burst back into my world in the most unpredictable way was her.
"Thank you..." my voice was stuck in my throat. "What you brought is more than just lost property."
I reached out, wanting to take that head that was smiling at me. The moment my fingertips were about to touch her cheek, the hands holding the head jerked back as if from an electric shock.
"Eh?" The smile on the head turned into surprise, her gaze drifting behind her. "It seems... the 'courier' behind me in charge of the escort isn't quite at ease giving me over yet." Her tone was relaxed, an embarrassed smile appearing, but her steps had already nimbly slid inside the door.
還能說什麼？只能轉身，跟上她走進這片由我們共同記憶構成的空間。
客廳裡，她依舊捧著自己的頭，在沙發上坐下。然後，她將頭顱的耳朵，貼上自己的胸口。那個位置，我曾數次看見它敞開，看見心臟在其中搏動，被聖光灼燒，被謊言浸染。
那顆心，曾是我關切與埋怨的匯聚點。此刻，它近在咫尺，卻彷彿隔著由時間與秘謀築成的隱形厚牆。
良久，她將手中的頭顱轉向我，眼神裡的戲謔褪去，剩下清亮的認真。
「我明白了。」頭顱說，「你知道我已是基督徒。我愛你，也希望被你愛。但是——」她話鋒一轉，語氣裡注入保護性的溫柔，「但是『基督徒的我』會害怕，怕你的愛裡摻著因為我的信仰而產生的彆扭或勉強。如果那樣，她會很難過。」
她目光如炬，看進我眼底：「所以，在我回來之前，必須問清楚：你準備好了嗎？準備好去愛這樣一個『基督徒的我』，而不只是忍受或包容？」
What else could be said? I could only turn and follow her into this space composed of our shared memories.
In the living room, still holding her own head, she sat on the sofa. Then, she pressed the ear of her head against her own chest. That spot—I had seen it open several times, seen the heart beating within, scorched by Sacred Light, stained by lies.
That heart was once the convergence point of my concern and resentment. Now, it was within reach, yet felt separated by an invisible thick wall built of time and secrecy.
After a long while, she turned the head in her hands toward me, the playfulness fading from her eyes, leaving a clear sincerity.
"I understand," the head said. "You know I am already a Christian. I love you, and I want to be loved by you. But—" she shifted her tone, a protective tenderness injected into her words, "but 'the Christian me' would be afraid—afraid that your love is mixed with awkwardness or reluctance caused by my faith. If that were the case, she would be very sad."
Her gaze was like a torch, looking into the bottom of my eyes: "So, before I return, I must ask clearly: Are you ready? Ready to love such a 'Christian me,' and not just endure or tolerate her?"
我倒抽一口氣。最尖銳的問題，被她親手遞到了面前。
我的愛，從不純粹。罪惡感像磐石壓在心底，質疑著我被愛的資格——這或許能被她的寬恕融化。但更惡質的，是我自己都厭棄的情結：那個不想將「愛」交給基督徒的，自私而頑固的「我」，是當年篡改的始源，是想將愛人塑造成「適合我愛的形狀」的卑鄙。它從未消失，甚至在真相揭露時，還曾可恥地泛起一絲「果然如此」的僥倖。
愛很難容下芥蒂。成熟外衣和道德裝飾，包裹不住根源於本質的尖刺。
我張了張嘴，卻發不出聲音。我不能在思考清楚前，給她一個輕率的承諾。
「看來，芥蒂還在。」她卻先一步開口，「別為此責怪自己。那是你的一部分，就像信仰是我的一部分。我們無法刪除彼此的本質，只能面對。」
說著，她無頭的身軀伸手探入褲袋，摸出那條她常年佩戴的十字架項鍊。
「幫我戴上它，好嗎？」頭顱輕聲請求。
I gasped. The sharpest question had been personally delivered to me.
My love was never pure. Guilt pressed like a boulder in my heart, questioning my right to be loved—this could perhaps be melted by her forgiveness. But more malignant was the complex I loathed in myself: that selfish and stubborn "me" who didn't want to hand "love" over to a Christian, the same "me" that was the source of the original tampering, the despicable part that wanted to shape the lover into a "shape suitable for me to love." It had never disappeared; even when the truth was revealed, a shameful hint of "as I thought" had surfaced.
Love finds it hard to accommodate friction. The cloak of maturity and moral decoration couldn't cover the thorns rooted in the essence.
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I couldn't give her a light promise before thinking it through.
"It seems the friction is still there." She spoke first. "Don't blame yourself for it. It’s a part of you, just as faith is a part of me. We cannot delete each other's essence; we can only face it."
Saying this, her headless torso reached into a pocket and pulled out the crucifix necklace she wore year-round.
"Help me put it on, okay?" the head requested softly.
我顫抖地接過項鍊。是的，本質無法消除。即便我念誦千萬遍尊重，內心的彆扭依然蟄伏。但「面對」，是唯一的路。
我繞到她身後，將項鍊環過她的頸項。手指觸碰到頸部，傳來微涼的質感。就在銀鏈扣合聲輕響時，奇異的光，自那接口處迸發。
不是單一的白光，是此起彼伏、五彩紛呈的細碎光點，如同星雲，在她頸項的斷面內閃爍、流轉。
「很美，對吧？」她的聲音格外柔和，「這是我的『裡面』，此刻因你真心的行動，正在變得……安寧而歡欣。」
她舉起頭顱，讓目光能與我平視：「你有芥蒂，我知道。但那位『基督徒的我』想告訴你：她現在不太在乎了。因為她感覺到你在真誠地面對那份芥蒂。對她而言，這比一句輕鬆的『我接受』，更接近愛的模樣。」
I tremblingly took the necklace. Yes, the essence cannot be eliminated. Even if I recited respect a thousand times, the internal awkwardness remained dormant. But "facing it" was the only way.
I went behind her and looped the necklace around her neck. My fingers touched her neck, a slightly cool texture. Just as the sound of the silver chain clicking shut rang out, a strange light erupted from that interface.
It wasn't a single white light, but a rising and falling, multicolored array of fine light points, like a nebula, flashing and flowing within the cross-section of her neck.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Her voice was exceptionally soft. "This is my 'inside,' becoming... peaceful and joyful right now because of your sincere action."
She raised her head so her gaze was level with mine: "You have your qualms, I know. But 'the Christian me' wants to tell you: she doesn't care much now. Because she feels you are sincerely facing those qualms. To her, this is closer to the appearance of love than a light 'I accept'."
接著，她的身體又從另一個口袋裡，掏出一本小小的《聖經》，遞給我。
「為我念一段，可以嗎？」頭顱請求道，「眼前這個基督徒，想以這種方式……為我們的『重聚』祈禱。」
我接過《聖經》，紙頁的氣味撲面而來。目光落在《約翰福音》的開篇。
「太初有道，道與神同在，道就是神……」我生澀的聲音在寂靜的客廳裡響起。與此同時，無頭身軀緩緩在沙發前跪下，雙手交握，頸項低垂，無聲地禱告著。
而放置一旁的頭顱，則欣慰地「看」著這一幕——看著禱告的身軀，和為她誦讀經文的我。
經文段落結束。禱告的身軀站起身，捧起頭顱，再次將頭顱遞向我。
「她放心了，」頭顱說，語氣如釋重負，「現在，你需要的所有『組件』，都在這裡了。我們來……組合出你要愛的那人吧！」她說得如此自然，彷彿在組裝一件傢具，而非她自己。
我深吸一口氣，接過頭顱，對準她頸部的接口，然後輕輕旋轉——「喀噠。」
隨著清脆的接合聲，溫潤璀璨的光芒從接縫處滿溢而出，充滿了某種被應允的聖潔，彷彿宇宙間某個更高的秩序，正為我們的重聚蓋下了認可的印章。
Next, her body took a small Bible from another pocket and handed it to me.
"Read a passage for me, can you?" the head requested. "The Christian before you wants to pray for our 'reunion' in this way."
I took the Bible, the scent of paper hitting my face. My gaze fell on the opening of the Gospel of John.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God..." My stiff voice rose in the quiet living room. Simultaneously, the headless body slowly knelt before the sofa, hands clasped, neck bowed, praying silently.
And the head placed to the side "watched" this scene with gratification—watching the praying body, and me reading the scripture for her.
The passage ended. The praying body stood up, picked up the head, and handed the head to me again.
"She is at ease now," the head said, her tone as if a weight had been lifted. "Now, all the 'components' you need are right here. Let’s... assemble the person you are going to love!" She said it so naturally, as if assembling a piece of furniture rather than herself.
I took a deep breath, took the head, aligned it with the neck interface, and then turned it gently—Click.
With that crisp sound of connection, a warm and brilliant light overflowed from the seam, filled with a kind of promised holiness, as if a higher order in the universe were stamping its approval on our reunion.
光芒漸消。她閉上眼睛，長長的睫毛輕顫，像在下載一個全新的世界。當她再次睜眼時，作為一個準備好「去愛與被愛的基督徒」的完整的她，重新站在我面前。
我心中漲滿感動，雖然在那感動的深處，一絲被她的寬容反襯出的卑劣與不甘，依舊隱隱作痛。
她走上前，伸出雙臂，給了我一個結實的擁抱。伴隨著她的體溫與心跳，她的存在撞進我的意識。
然而，就在以為儀式終於結束時，她做了個讓我腦袋裡寫滿問號的動作。
她抬起手，摸到頸間，解開那條十字架項鍊的扣環，將它取了下來。
就在項鍊離開她皮膚的瞬間，她的身體——那剛剛才與頭顱整合的身體——猛地一僵，像是內部某個程式遭到非法調用。十字架項鍊在她左手上搖晃，她的身體彷彿被打開，我看見裡面的構造不順暢地運轉著，匆忙尋找自身存在新的平衡。
The light faded. She closed her eyes, long eyelashes trembling slightly, as if downloading a brand-new world. When she opened her eyes again, the complete her, ready to "love and be loved as a Christian," stood before me again.
My heart swelled with emotion, although in the depths of that emotion, a hint of meanness and unwillingness contrasted by her tolerance still throbbed faintly.
She stepped forward, opened her arms, and gave me a solid embrace. With her body temperature and heartbeat, her existence crashed into my consciousness.
However, just when I thought the ritual was finally over, she did something that filled my head with question marks.
She raised her hand, reached for her neck, unfastened the clasp of that crucifix necklace, and took it off.
The moment the necklace left her skin, her body—that body that had just integrated with the head—suddenly stiffened, as if an internal program had been illegally called. The crucifix necklace swung in her left hand, and her body seemed to open up; I saw the structure inside running unsmoothly, hurrying to find a new balance for its own existence.
劇烈的不協調掠過她的四肢，她失去了平衡，腳步踉蹌。
「小心！」我衝上去扶住她。
她靠在我身上，身體的顫抖漸漸平復，臉上浮起無奈的苦笑。
「沒事，」她氣息微亂，「就是被那位『基督徒的我』……狠狠罵了一頓。」
「基督徒的妳？妳不就是……」我陷入困惑。
「我是基督徒，」她站穩看向我，「但我也『可以不是』。」
她頓了頓，彷彿在讓我消化這個悖論。
「『是基督徒』，是我生命裡一個事實，就像『是女人』、『是哲學系畢業生』一樣，但不是一項必須時刻履行的義務。」她舉起手中的十字架項鍊，「我可以選擇在這一刻，不佩戴這個符號，不扮演這個身份，甚至——在『我如何看待自己』的層面上，認可『我不是基督徒』。」
她眨眨眼，裡頭閃爍著多年自我探索後淬煉出的智慧之光：「我是否存在，是否能愛與被愛，與我是否符合特定宗教的完美義人標準……根本無關。」
A violent disharmony swept through her limbs; she lost her balance and staggered.
"Careful!" I rushed forward to support her.
She leaned on me, her body’s trembling gradually calming, a helpless, bitter smile appearing on her face.
"It’s okay," her breath was slightly hurried, "I was just... severely scolded by 'the Christian me'."
"The Christian you? But aren't you..." I fell into confusion.
"I am a Christian," she stood steady and looked at me, "but I can also 'not be one'."
She paused, as if letting me digest this paradox.
"'Being a Christian' is a fact in my life, like 'being a woman' or 'being a philosophy graduate,' but it is not an obligation that must be fulfilled every moment." She raised the crucifix necklace in her hand. "I can choose at this moment not to wear this symbol, not to play this role, even—on the level of 'how I see myself'—to acknowledge that 'I am not a Christian'."
She blinked, a light of wisdom refined after years of self-exploration shining within. "Whether I exist, whether I can love and be loved, has absolutely nothing to do with whether I meet the standards of a perfect righteous person of a specific religion."
她體內那陣「系統衝突」漸漸平息，試著走了幾步，步伐從遲滯恢復到流暢。
「如果，」她轉向我，語氣認真，「如果你始終無法全然地愛著『基督徒』標籤下的我……我也可以送你一份禮物。」
「什麼禮物？」
「一個『不是基督徒』的戀愛對象。」她微笑，「我要你面對自己的芥蒂，是為了讓你誠實，不是為了折磨你。你已經準備好迎接我的回歸，那麼，我也可以準備好，以讓你能更輕鬆、更完整去愛的『形態』回來。」
我怔著，大腦一片空白。預想中重逢的淚水與感動，都被這番過於超前的古怪宣言沖刷得七零八落。
「別這副表情，」她笑了起來，帶著幾分得意，「你以為我這幾年只是到處閒晃嗎？我對自己做過的『實驗』，可比你參與的那場『信仰重裝』激進多了。」
The "system conflict" in her body gradually subsided. She tried taking a few steps, her pace recovering from sluggishness to smooth.
"If," she turned to me, her tone serious, "if you are forever unable to completely love the 'me' under the Christian label... I can also give you a gift."
"What gift?"
"A romantic partner who is 'not a Christian'." She smiled. "I want you to face your qualms so you can be honest, not to torture you. Since you are ready to welcome my return, then I can also be ready to return in a 'form' that allows you to love more easily and completely."
I stood stunned, my mind a blank. The tears and emotion I had expected in this reunion were all washed away by this overly advanced and eccentric declaration.
"Don't make that face," she laughed, with a hint of pride. "Do you think I’ve just been wandering around these few years? The 'experiments' I’ve done on myself are much more radical than that 'Re-installation of Faith' you participated in."
她開始如數家珍，語氣像在介紹有趣的科研項目：「比如，我把自己的頭部和身體，分別連接到你那台『犯罪工具』筆記型電腦上，讓我的意識數據流在外部設備運行、檢視，甚至修改，以理解我被改寫了什麼。」
她的臉色稍稍凝重：「我還做過『概念敲除試驗』——用定時的程序遮罩，暫時『中止』了『耶穌』這個核心概念，以及所有相關的認知與情感連結。你無法想像那是什麼感覺……對基督徒而言，那就像抽走了靈魂大廈最中心的主樑與承重牆。整個意識結構雖然還在，卻搖搖欲墜，所有意義的連接都變得古怪、扭曲，幾乎就要迷失在那片虛無裡。」
She began to list them, her tone like introducing interesting scientific projects: "For example, I connected my head and body separately to your 'crime tool' laptop, letting my consciousness data stream run, be examined, and even modified on external devices to understand what had been rewritten in me."
Her face grew slightly solemn: "I also performed a 'Concept Knockout Trial'—using timed program masking to temporarily 'suspend' the core concept of 'Jesus' and all related cognitive and emotional links. You can't imagine what that felt like... for a Christian, it’s like pulling out the central main beam and load-bearing wall of the soul’s mansion. The entire consciousness structure is still there, but it’s teetering; all the connections of meaning become strange and distorted, almost losing oneself in that void."
她搖搖頭，從那段危險的記憶中抽離，目光再次聚焦於我，溫柔而強大：「所以啦，你看我都可以這麼對待自己，你那點因為愛而生的小小扭曲和自私，又算得了什麼？」
她伸出手指，戳著我胸口：「到頭來，不是你在原地苦等我。是我在等你——等我親愛的彆扭丈夫，準備好讓他的老婆回家。」
「……老婆？」這個詞像把鑰匙，打開了我心中塵封已久的門。我曾以為，這個稱呼早已隨著那場背叛，失去了合法性。
「不然呢？」她挑眉，「我們是離婚了嗎？不過是幾年沒住在一起，你就不認這個老婆了？」她假意嗔怪，隨即又軟下語氣，嘟囔道：「虧我還費盡心思，連『是卻可不當』基督徒這種方法都想出來了，就怕你這彆扭鬼，在自我譴責裡泡了這麼多年，都忘了怎麼開心地活。」
我看著她，看著這個有點莫名其妙的女人，突然毫無預兆地大笑，笑聲衝破所有枷鎖。
你無法理解，擁有這樣的「老婆」，是何等的幸福。
She shook her head, pulling herself from that dangerous memory, her gaze refocusing on me, gentle and powerful: "So, see, I can even treat myself like that. What does your little bit of distortion and selfishness born of love amount to?"
She poked my chest with her finger: "In the end, it wasn't you waiting for me in the same spot. It was me waiting for you—waiting for my dear, awkward husband to be ready to let his wife come home."
"...Wife?" The word was like a key, opening a long-sealed door in my heart. I had thought this title had lost its legitimacy with that betrayal.
"What else?" She raised an eyebrow. "Are we divorced? Just because we haven't lived together for a few years, you won't acknowledge this wife?" She feigned a rebuke, then softened her tone again, muttering: "After all the effort I put in, even coming up with the method of 'being one but able not to act like one,' just because I feared you, this awkward ghost, would spend so many years soaking in self-condemnation that you’d forget how to live happily."
I looked at her, at this somewhat inexplicable woman, and suddenly burst into laughter without warning, the laughter breaking through all shackles.
You cannot understand what a blessing it is to have such a "wife."
---
夜已深，我們的話語漸漸稀疏，沉入共享的靜謐。我們裹在同一張棉被裡，用體溫確認彼此的存在。
「我曾以為會永久地失去妳。」我輕聲說，「以至於把每年一次的見面，當成此生能擁有的最大幸福。我不敢奢望更多。」
她思忖了片刻。「你有可能會失去我。離開的那天，我確實覺得大概再也無法直視你的臉。」她頓了頓，臉頰掠過不服氣的淡紅，「可是，當我開始獨自探索自己時，我發現——無論是虔誠的我、懷疑的我、憤怒的我，還是平靜的我……每一個『我』的深處，都有你。我可以對任一個『我』都抱持觀察的距離，但這些『我』，無一例外，都還愛著你。」她說完，把臉別向另一邊，像暴露了秘密。
「所以，妳回來了。」我從身後擁住她，懷抱裡的充實感，猶如不可思議的奇蹟。
「我回來了。」她點點頭，「不是我無法獨自生存，不是我需要誰的拯救。而是在山巔的寂靜裡，在星河的注視下，在我所有思辨與禱告的盡頭——」
她轉過身，吻了我。很輕，很慢。「我發現，我還是想和你一起吃早餐。想和你爭論書裡某個句子。想在深夜醒來時，聽見身旁另一個人的呼吸。」
The night grew deep, and our words gradually thinned, sinking into a shared silence. We were wrapped in the same quilt, confirming each other's existence with body temperature.
"I once thought I had lost you forever," I said softly. "To the point that I treated our once-a-year meeting as the greatest happiness I could have in this life. I didn't dare hope for more."
She thought for a moment. "It was possible you could have lost me. On the day I left, I really felt I probably couldn't look at your face again." She paused, an unyielding faint red crossing her cheeks. "But as I began to explore myself alone, I discovered—whether it was the pious me, the skeptical me, the angry me, or the peaceful me... in the depths of every 'me,' there was you. I can maintain an observer’s distance from any 'me,' but these 'me's, without exception, still love you." After saying this, she turned her face to the other side, as if she had exposed a secret.
"So, you came back." I embraced her from behind, the sense of fullness in my arms feeling like an incredible miracle.
"I came back." She nodded. "Not because I cannot survive alone, not because I need someone’s saving. But in the silence of the mountain peak, under the gaze of the galaxy, at the end of all my reasoning and prayers—"
She turned around and kissed me. Very lightly, very slowly. "I found that I still want to have breakfast with you. Still want to argue with you about a sentence in a book. Still want to wake up in the middle of the night and hear another person’s breathing beside me."
「我怕，」喉嚨裡的哽咽讓我聲音破碎，「怕我的不信，會讓妳內在的虔誠女孩，感到孤獨。怕我無法理解她最珍視的世界，她會因此……寂寞。」
她握住我的手，引導它貼在她心口，心跳透過溫熱的肌膚傳來。
「她不需要你理解她的神，」她說，「她只需要你不因為她的神而感到『不適』。因為你的不適，會讓她難過。至於信仰本身，你怎麼想都可以。其他的交給我處理就好。」
她靠過來，把臉埋進我的頸窩，心跳貼著心跳，呼吸漸漸同步。
「Good night, and good luck.」她悶聲笑著，引用老電影的台詞，帶著狡黠的溫柔，「反正你大概也不需要『God bless you』。」
「God bless you.」我微笑著，輕聲回應，「雖然此刻的妳大概也不需要，但我想……妳或許會『想要』。」
她爆出一陣大笑，然後——又來了——抬手將自己的頭顱取下。她舉起那顆正瞪著我的頭，用堅硬的額頭，砸向我頭部的一側。
「你這傢伙，心情一好，開始耍嘴皮子了？」在我的哀叫聲中，頭顱上的表情故作嗔怒，眼睛卻彎成月牙。
緊接著，她將頭顱塞進我懷裡，空出來的雙手則繞過來，狠狠地揉亂我的頭髮。
「你啊，還真是皮得很，」她的聲音從我懷裡傳來，「不過……你也終於能這樣『皮』了。」聲音裡有如釋重負的溫柔。
我忽然明白了。她說要先對我「放心」，與其說是為了她自己能安心歸來，不如說是為了讓我能卸下枷鎖，重新學會呼吸的節奏。
"I’m afraid," the choke in my throat made my voice break, "afraid that my lack of faith will make the pious girl inside you feel lonely. Afraid that I cannot understand the world she cherishes most, and she will be... lonely because of it."
She took my hand and guided it to her heart, the heartbeat transmitting through her warm skin.
"She doesn't need you to understand her God," she said. "She only needs you not to feel 'uncomfortable' because of her God. Because your discomfort would make her sad. As for faith itself, you can think whatever you want. Just leave the rest to me to handle."
She leaned in, burying her face in the crook of my neck, heart to heart, breaths gradually synchronizing.
"Good night, and good luck." she chuckled, quoting the old movie line with a mischievous tenderness. "Anyway, you probably don't need 'God bless you'."
"God bless you." I smiled and replied softly. "Although you probably don't need it right now either, I think... you might 'want' it."
She burst into a fit of laughter, and then—here we go again—raised her hand to remove her head. She held up that head which was glaring at me and slammed her hard forehead against the side of my head.
"You guy, as soon as you're in a good mood, you start getting cheeky?" Amidst my groans of pain, the expression on the head feigned anger, but the eyes curved into crescents.
Immediately after, she stuffed the head into my arms, and her freed hands reached around to fiercely mess up my hair.
"You really are quite naughty," her voice came from my arms, "but... you finally can be 'naughty' like this." There was a relief-filled tenderness in her voice.
I suddenly understood. She said she had to "be at ease" with me first; rather than for her own peace of mind in returning, it was to let me shed my shackles and relearn the rhythm of breathing.
---
第二天清晨，天還沒亮透，她便悄悄起身。我閉眼假寐，感覺到帶著暖意的吻，羽毛般落在額頭，接著她躡足離開房間。
我躺了幾分鐘，起身走向客廳。
她已在那裡。坐在陽台的舊藤椅上，身上裹著毯子，面朝東方。天空是漸變的深海藍，遠方的地平線卻已被金紅鑲邊。廚房裡，咖啡機正勤奮地發出細微的聲響。
我走過去，在她身旁坐下。她沒回頭，只是將手從毯子下伸出，找到我的手，握住。
我們就這樣坐著，看著天際上演的默劇。
深海藍被靛紫侵蝕，靛紫融化為玫瑰灰，玫瑰灰的中央，猛然迸出熔金般的熾烈光芒。雲層被點燃，鳥鳴由疏而密，城市的噪聲緩緩升高，彷彿大地正在舒張筋骨。
她沒有禱告，沒有誦念任何經文，只是全然迎接著這一切。然而，在她被朝霞染紅的側臉上，有一種虔誠——並非對特定神祇的崇拜，而是對「存在」本身，對這場宏大、準時、不索求回報的饋贈，感恩般的讚許。
The next morning, before the dawn had fully broken, she got up quietly. I feigned sleep, feeling a kiss as warm as a feather fall on my forehead, followed by her tiptoeing out of the room.
I lay for a few minutes, then got up and went to the living room.
She was already there. Sitting in the old rattan chair on the balcony, wrapped in a blanket, facing east. The sky was a gradient of deep-sea blue, but the distant horizon was already trimmed with gold and red. In the kitchen, the coffee machine was diligently making subtle noises.
I walked over and sat beside her. She didn't look back, just reached her hand from under the blanket, found my hand, and held it.
We just sat there, watching the silent play staged on the horizon.
Deep-sea blue was eroded by indigo purple, indigo purple melted into rose grey, and in the center of the rose grey, a molten gold-like intense light suddenly burst forth. The clouds were ignited, the birdsong grew from sparse to dense, and the noise of the city slowly rose, as if the earth were stretching its muscles and bones.
She didn't pray, didn't recite any scripture, but just fully welcomed all of this. However, on her profile reddened by the dawn, there was a kind of piety—not worship of a specific deity, but a grateful praise for "existence" itself, for this grand, punctual, un-demanding gift.
當太陽終於掙脫地平線，將金色毫無保留地潑灑在我們身上時，她轉過頭來，瞳孔裡跳躍著兩簇小小的火焰。
「謝謝你來。」她說。
「謝謝你讓我來。」我回應。
她笑了。笑容簡單得如同此刻的陽光，複雜得如同我們共同走過的年月。
回到屋內，咖啡香氣已充盈每個角落。她倒好兩杯，我們在餐桌兩端坐下。這場景如此熟悉，彷彿中間相隔的歲月，不過是一場較長的夢。
「今天想做什麼？」她吹著杯沿的熱氣，問道。
「嗯……先一起去買菜？晚餐的菜。」我說。
「好，」她點頭，啜了口咖啡，「我想做燉肉。很久沒做了，想念那個味道。」
「我會幫忙切菜，」我主動請纓，「雖然總是切不好。」
「沒關係，」她笑意更深，「你切得難看，但燉煮之後，味道一樣。」
就這樣開始了。沒有戲劇性的宣言，沒有需要簽字的契約。只有晨光、咖啡、關於燉肉和馬鈴薯的討論，以及在餐桌下，兩雙尋找彼此並碰觸在一起的腳。
這就是我們的「重新在一起」。
When the sun finally broke free from the horizon, splashing gold over us without reservation, she turned her head, two small flames dancing in her pupils.
"Thank you for coming," she said.
"Thank you for letting me come," I replied.
She smiled. The smile was as simple as the sunlight right now, and as complex as the years we had walked together.
Back inside, the aroma of coffee filled every corner. She poured two cups, and we sat at opposite ends of the dining table. The scene was so familiar, as if the years that had passed in between were just a long dream.
"What do you want to do today?" she asked, blowing on the heat from the rim of the cup.
"Hmm... go buy groceries together first? For dinner." I said.
"Okay," she nodded and took a sip of coffee. "I want to make stew. Haven't made it in a long time; I miss that taste."
"I’ll help chop the vegetables," I volunteered. "Though I always chop them badly."
"It’s okay," her smile deepened. "You chop them ugly, but after stewing, the taste is the same."
And so it began. No dramatic declarations, no contracts to be signed. Only morning light, coffee, discussions about stew and potatoes, and under the dining table, two pairs of feet finding each other and touching.
This was our "being together again."
---
日子如細沙般流過指縫，我們重新熟悉了彼此的紋理與節奏。她「可以不是」基督徒，但那終究是她的底色。而我，也漸漸學會了所謂的「純然事實」——即便她沉浸在信仰的靜謐中，我也能懷抱她的「沒有關係」，去愛那樣的她，乃至能陪伴她，於教堂的穹頂下一同開口，讓讚美詩的聲音將我們包裹。
這並非出於彼此的體諒或遷就，而是更為遼闊的從容，是在任一現實與框架中，都能處之泰然的自在。
然而，我心底仍存著好奇：如此獨特的她，究竟是一個怎樣的基督徒？
在從教堂歸來的某個午後，我終於將這個問題輕聲遞給她。
Days flowed through our fingers like fine sand, and we re-familiarized ourselves with each other's textures and rhythms. She "could not be" a Christian, but that was her background color after all. And I gradually learned the so-called "pure facts"—even if she was immersed in the silence of faith, I could embrace her with "it doesn't matter," love her like that, and even accompany her to open my mouth under the dome of the church, letting the sound of hymns wrap around us.
This was not out of mutual consideration or compromise, but a broader composure, an ease that allowed us to be at peace in any reality or framework.
However, curiosity still remained in my heart: what kind of Christian was such a unique woman?
On a certain afternoon returning from church, I finally asked her this question softly.
她沉吟片刻，微微低頭，指尖溫柔地撫過胸前的十字架項鍊，笑意在她唇邊漾開。
「說起來，」她的聲音帶著懷念，「我信仰耶穌基督的方式……到頭來，和你當年『安裝』給我的那個版本，有幾分神似呢。」
「是嗎？可我感覺，妳和其他基督徒並無二致。」我說。
「當然沒有二致。我們同樣是基督徒，有著相似的內在渴求與行為模式。」她抬眼，「只是，我們認知神、認知『我』的路徑，有所不同。我『渴望』信仰帶來的溫暖與交託，我『喜愛』被堅實的看顧所環繞。但與此同時，我也有了自己理解世界與存在的那套邏輯——這套邏輯，與我是不是基督徒，已然無關。畢竟世界並不負有依照我的渴望與喜愛運作的義務，不是嗎？」
她凝視我，繼續說：「基督徒的我，與『可以不是基督徒』的我，認知框架並無本質差異。真正的分別，在於情感的『偏好』與設定存在認知的『取捨』。」
She pondered for a moment, lowered her head slightly, her fingertips gently tracing the crucifix necklace on her chest, a smile spreading on her lips.
"Speaking of which," her voice carried nostalgia, "the way I believe in Jesus Christ... in the end, has quite a bit in common with the version you 'installed' in me back then."
"Is that so? But I feel you are no different from other Christians," I said.
"Of course there’s no difference. We are equally Christians, with similar internal desires and behavioral patterns." She raised her eyes. "It’s just that our paths to perceiving God and perceiving 'me' are different. I 'desire' the warmth and entrustment brought by faith; I 'love' being surrounded by solid care. But at the same time, I also have my own set of logic for understanding the world and existence—this set of logic is already unrelated to whether I am a Christian. After all, the world has no obligation to operate according to my desires and loves, right?"
She gazed at me and continued: "The Christian me and the 'me who can not be a Christian' have no essential difference in cognitive framework. The real difference lies in the 'preference' of emotion and the 'choice' of setting existential cognition."
說著，她做了我熟悉卻又永遠為之震顫的動作——她的胸膛，如一朵花，在我面前綻放。
「你看，此刻主導我的，便是信仰的情感。」她的指尖，輕點在那顆搏動的光之心上。
是的，我看見了。
象徵信仰的銀白光輝，如亙古的星河，成為穩定流轉的基底。而情愛的暖黃、探問存在的幽藍、對世界期盼與現實落差交織出的深紅……所有這些斑斕的光彩，都流淌在這片銀白間。
當諸色光流交匯湧動時，銀白堅定地統御整個系統，讓萬千光華和諧共舞，不至陷入混沌的漩渦。這份內在的秩序，正是她之所以為基督徒的，最美麗的證明。
那景象美得令人窒息，幾乎要將我的靈魂吸入。但在驚歎深處，難以言喻的惋惜，悄然浮現。
……惋惜？
我猛地驚醒。惋惜什麼？這銀白縱然來自一場外部的介入，但如今早已是她生命織錦中不可分割的絲線，與她所有的色彩一起，深愛著我。我究竟在惋惜什麼？
她察覺了我洶湧的思緒，眼裡掠過一絲不安。
「這大概是……基督徒的我，第一次如此毫無保留地呈現在你面前吧？」她輕聲問，語氣裡帶著小心翼翼的探詢，「是不是……仍然有一點點，讓你不喜歡？」
As she spoke, she did the action I was familiar with yet forever shaken by—her chest bloomed before me like a flower.
"See, what dominates me at this moment is the emotion of faith." Her fingertip lightly touched that pulsing heart of light.
Yes, I saw it.
The silver-white brilliance symbolizing faith, like an ancient galaxy, became the stable, flowing base. And the warm yellow of love, the ethereal blue of questioning existence, the deep red woven from the gap between world expectations and reality... all these variegated colors flowed within this silver-white.
When the various light streams converged and surged, the silver-white firmly governed the entire system, letting the thousand splendors dance in harmony, not falling into a vortex of chaos. This internal order was the most beautiful proof of why she was a Christian.
The sight was breathtakingly beautiful, almost pulling my soul into it. But in the depths of my wonder, an indescribable lament quietly emerged.
...A lament?
I snapped awake. Lamenting what? Even if this silver-white came from an external intervention, it was now an inseparable thread in the tapestry of her life, loving me with all her colors. What exactly was I lamenting?
She sensed my surging thoughts, a hint of unease crossing her eyes.
"This is probably... the first time the Christian me has been presented so unreservedly before you, right?" she asked softly, her tone carrying a cautious inquiry. "Is it... still a little bit, that you don't like?"
不喜歡？什麼傻話。即使妳是上帝打造好送來的，我也愛得要命。
我俯身，雙手輕輕捧起那顆被信仰定義，卻也因此無比璀璨的心臟，如捧著世間最珍貴的聖物。然後，我低下頭，將一個吻，印在了那流轉的銀白光芒上。
霎時間，所有光流的運轉加速。暖黃、幽藍、深紅……各色光彩歡欣躍動，彷彿越過了無形的藩籬，漫上那莊嚴的銀白，為信仰本身，也染上了塵世的溫度與色澤。
洶湧的情感洪流將她淹沒。她緩緩地癱軟下來，雙膝著地，淚水如斷線的珍珠般滾落。
「真是的……你怎麼這樣？」她一邊用手背擦拭止不住的眼淚，一邊又忍不住笑出聲來，那模樣既狼狽又幸福，「這下好了……就算是上帝的造物，也都得……跟你私奔了。」
我將她整個抱起，摟在懷中，在她耳邊低語：「親愛的公主殿下，就算妳要跟我私奔——」
我拖長音調，模仿著某種宣稱：「那也必定是全知全能的上帝，在祂早已寫就的神聖計畫裡，安排好的私奔啊~」
「嗚……！」這下她徹底嚎啕出聲，滾燙的臉龐埋進我的胸膛，再也不肯抬起。
我輕輕將她盛開的胸膛闔上，讓所有的光與祕密，安憩於她溫暖的肉身之內。我抬起頭，彷彿望向某個無形的見證者，嘴角無法抑制地揚起一抹得意的弧度。
「這位有點『資深』的基督徒女孩，」我心中默念，「我收下了。沒意見吧，上帝老兄？」
無論始於何種篡改，無論路途充滿多少荊棘，有件事確鑿無疑：
我們的愛，在任何詮釋下，永恆為真。
Don't like? What nonsense. Even if you were fashioned by God and sent to me, I would love you to death.
I leaned down, my hands gently cupping that heart defined by faith, yet infinitely brilliant because of it, as if cupping the most precious holy relic in the world. Then, I lowered my head and pressed a kiss onto that flowing silver-white light.
In an instant, the operation of all light streams accelerated. Warm yellow, ethereal blue, deep red... the various colors leaped with joy, as if crossing invisible fences, washing over that solemn silver-white, dyeing faith itself with the temperature and hue of the mortal world.
A surging flood of emotion overwhelmed her. She slowly went soft, her knees hitting the ground, tears falling like broken pearls.
"Really... how can you be like this?" While wiping the unstoppable tears with the back of her hand, she couldn't help but laugh out loud, looking both disheveled and happy. "Now it’s done... even God’s creation... has to... elope with you."
I picked her up, holding her in my arms, and whispered in her ear: "Dear Princess, even if you want to elope with me—"
I drew out the tone, mimicking a proclamation: "—that must be the elopement arranged by the all-knowing and all-powerful God in His divine plan written long ago!"
"Wuwu...!" This time she wailed out loud, her hot face buried in my chest, refusing to look up again.
I gently closed her blooming chest, letting all the light and secrets rest within her warm flesh. I raised my head, as if looking toward an invisible witness, a corner of my mouth rising into an irrepressible arc of pride.
"This somewhat 'senior' Christian girl," I thought to myself, "I’ll take her. No objection, God, old friend?"
No matter what tampering it began with, no matter how many thorns lined the path, one thing was certain:
Our love, under any interpretation, is eternally true.
沒有留言:
張貼留言