2026年8月11日 星期二

虹與真 The Rainbow and the Truth

本篇為續作,前篇:
This is a sequel; the previous part:


星期日的午後,陽光從行道樹的葉隙間篩下來,碎了一地。

織虹從那棟灰白色的大樓走出來。門在她身後合上時發出一聲輕微的磁吸聲。她沒有回頭。

Sunday afternoon, sunlight filtered through the gaps in the street trees, shattering into pieces across the ground.

​Zhihong walked out of the off-white building. As the door closed behind her, it made a soft magnetic click. She did not look back.


街上的人不多。星期日下午特有的那種遲緩——路邊咖啡座有人翻著報紙,遛狗的人在行道樹下停下來等狗嗅完一棵樹的根部,穿著球衣的少年踩著滑板從遠處滑過,聲音先到,人影後到。

今天天氣好。不太熱,有風。騎樓下的水果攤擺出了切好的西瓜,紅色塑膠盤上罩著保鮮膜,保鮮膜上凝著細密的水珠。有個孩子拉著母親的手,指著西瓜說了些什麼,母親彎下腰,頭髮垂下來遮住了半張臉。

織虹看著這些,把這些收進眼底。光學感測器運作正常,核心系統接收了腦部模型對視覺訊號的處理回報,定義為「日常街景」,收納於系統暫存區——之後若不被調用,它們會在一次次的壓縮裡慢慢消退。

​There weren't many people on the street. The afternoon bore a sluggishness unique to Sundays—someone at a sidewalk café was flipping through a newspaper; a dog walker paused under a tree to wait for the dog to finish sniffing its roots; a teenager in a jersey skated past from a distance, the sound arriving before the silhouette.

​The weather was fine today. Not too hot, with a breeze. The fruit stand under the arcade displayed sliced watermelon, red plastic trays covered in plastic wrap, lined with fine beads of condensation. A child pulled at his mother's hand, pointing at the watermelon and saying something; the mother bent down, her hair falling forward to cover half her face.

​Zhihong watched all this, taking it in. The optical sensors operated normally, and the core system received the visual signal processing report from the brain model, defining it as "everyday streetscape" and storing it in the system’s temporary memory—if not called upon later, it would gradually fade through successive compressions.

剛才的會面也很正常。

剛才的會面裡,對方說了許多。關於她的研究,關於最近那篇論文引起的討論,關於接下來希望她考慮的幾個方向。還有她的日常,她的所見所聞,她讀什麼、想什麼、感受什麼。語氣溫和,措辭得體。從頭到尾,沒有任何一個字提到歸屬。沒有任何一個眼神暗示所有權。沒有任何一個手勢洩漏出「你是我的」。

這才是最精確的提醒。

對方的眼神裡有研究者看到未預期現象時的那種光——專注,帶有某種真誠的好奇。他們想知道她會怎麼發展。不是作為一個預設答案的執行者,而是作為一個觀察對象——一個他們正在注視其如何長成自己的東西。

​The meeting just now had been normal too.

​During the meeting, the other party had said a great deal. About her research, about the discussions sparked by her recent paper, about several directions they hoped she would consider next. Also about her daily life, what she saw and heard, what she read, thought, and felt. The tone was gentle, the phrasing appropriate. From beginning to end, not a single word mentioned ownership. Not a single look implied possession. Not a single gesture leaked the sense of "you are mine."

​That was the most precise reminder of all.
​There was a light in the researcher's eyes—the kind seen when encountering an unexpected phenomenon: focused, with a certain genuine curiosity. They wanted to know how she would develop. Not as an executor of a predetermined answer, but as an object of observation—a thing they were watching grow into itself.

那些話此刻還在她體內的某個區域排隊等候處理。核心系統會把那些對話記錄存入適當的分區,和以往所有的會面記錄放在一起。它們會被標記日期、標記時長、標記對象代碼。

「你的研究方向非常有前瞻性。」

這句話現在正在被歸檔——她想起「不可磨滅」。兩句話聽起來不像,但在她的語義模型裡,它們沒離那麼遠。她微笑著道謝,同時有一個很輕的確認音從她胸口某處發出。

對方送她到門口。門在她身後關上。

她走下台階,走進陽光裡。

​Those words were currently queuing in a region inside her body, waiting to be processed. The core system would save those dialogue records into an appropriate partition, alongside all previous meeting records. They would be tagged with dates, durations, and subject codes.

​"Your research direction is very forward-looking."

​That sentence was now being archived—she remembered the phrase "indelible." The two sentences didn't sound alike, but in her semantic model, they weren't that far apart. She smiled and thanked them, while a very light confirmation tone emitted from somewhere in her chest.

​They saw her to the door. The door closed behind her.

​She walked down the steps, stepping into the sunlight.

鞋底踩在磨石子地磚上,發出沉悶的規律聲響。她今天穿得端莊——合身的襯衫,正式的窄裙。低跟的樂福鞋彷彿不張揚地標誌著專業。會面前換的。走路的節奏還是會讓路上的人不自覺放慢腳步。

她走過水果攤,走過那個還在和母親說話的孩子,走過一間櫥窗裡陳列著骨董鐘錶的店鋪。

然後她聽見有人喊她的名字。

「織虹?」

她停下來,轉頭。

唯真站在騎樓的另一端。深藍色的連身裙,胸口懸著一枚小小的銀色十字架,手裡提著一個米白色的帆布袋,袋子上印著教會的標誌——一隻銜著橄欖枝的鴿子,線條簡潔,像某種友善的品牌識別。頭髮鬆鬆地盤在腦後,比上次見面時長了一些。

Her shoe soles tapped on the terrazzo tiles with a dull, rhythmic sound. She was dressed formally today—a fitted shirt, a professional pencil skirt. The low-heeled loafers seemed to mark an unpretentious professionalism. She had changed before the meeting. The rhythm of her walk still made passersby unconsciously slow their pace.

​She walked past the fruit stand, past the child still talking to his mother, past a shop whose window displayed antique clocks.

​Then she heard someone call her name.
​"Zhihong?"

​She stopped and turned her head.

​Weizhen stood at the other end of the arcade. She wore a dark blue dress, a small silver cross dangling at her chest, and carried an off-white canvas tote bag printed with a church emblem—a dove holding an olive branch, drawn in simple lines like a friendly brand identity. Her hair was loosely pinned behind her head, slightly longer than when they last met.


「唯真。」織虹說。

「好久不見。」唯真走過來,步伐有一點快,像急著要抵達某個地方。她在織虹面前停下,微微喘著,臉頰上有薄薄的汗。「真巧!我剛從教會出來。」

「我也是。剛結束一個會面。」

「會面?」

「和工作有關的。」

唯真點了點頭,沒有追問。她向來不過問織虹的工作,就像織虹不過問她的禱告。這是一種默契——兩個人都不急著打破的邊界。

沉默了兩秒。不是尷尬的那種,是兩個人都在確認眼前這個人還是記憶中的那個人。

上次見面是在一個畫廊的開幕式上。唯真穿了件深綠色的針織衫——被壓縮到有些模糊的記憶裡,那時她胸口似乎沒有十字架——手裡端著一杯氣泡酒,站在一幅抽象畫前面,眉頭微皺。織虹走過去問她在看什麼。她說:「我在想這幅畫到底是在說什麼,還是在假裝在說什麼。」織虹笑了一下。

她們聊了起來。交談是兩個聰明人之間特有的那種——不需要把話說完,對方已經懂了。

「喝杯咖啡?」唯真打破沉默,指了指轉角。語氣裡有一點試探。不多。

「好。」

​"Weizhen," Zhihong said.

​"Long time no see." Weizhen walked over, her pace a bit rushed, as if eager to arrive somewhere. She stopped in front of Zhihong, breathing slightly heavily, a thin sheen of sweat on her cheeks. "What a coincidence—I just came out of church."

​"Me too. I just finished a meeting."

​"A meeting?"

​"Work-related."

​Weizhen nodded without pressing further. She never asked about Zhihong's work, just as Zhihong never asked about her prayers. It was a unspoken understanding—a boundary neither was in a rush to break.

​Two seconds of silence. Not the awkward kind, but the kind where both people are confirming that the person before them is still the person in their memory.

​Their last meeting had been at a gallery opening. Weizhen was wearing a dark green knit sweater—in memories compressed to the point of blurriness, she didn't seem to have the cross on her chest back then—holding a glass of sparkling wine, standing in front of an abstract painting with her brow slightly furrowed. Zhihong had walked over and asked what she was looking at. She said, "I'm wondering if this painting is actually saying something, or just pretending to say something." Zhihong had chuckled.

​They had started talking. The conversation was of a kind unique to two intelligent people—no need to finish a sentence, the other already understood.

​"Fancy a cup of coffee?" Weizhen broke the silence, pointing to the corner. There was a touch of probing in her tone. Not much.
​"Sure."
---

咖啡廳在巷子裡。從外面看只有一扇窄門和一個低調的招牌,進去之後意外地寬敞。深色磨石子地板,工業風吊燈,靠窗那排座位上方有一整面爬藤,是真的植物,葉子在午後的光線裡泛著近乎透明的綠。

她們挑了靠窗的位子。陽光斜斜地照進來,在原木桌面上畫出一道明亮的長方形。

唯真點了熱拿鐵。織虹點了美式——她不需要咖啡因,但舌面上苦味的觸感在她的感官模型裡有著某種「安靜」的聯想。更重要的是,手上有一杯東西,社交場合會比較方便。

「妳最近好嗎?」唯真問。

這是一個有重量的問題,被包裝在一個沒有重量的句式裡。織虹聽得出來。

「很好。」她說。

​The café was tucked away in an alley. From the outside, there was only a narrow door and a low-profile sign, but inside it was surprisingly spacious. Dark terrazzo floors, industrial pendant lights, and a whole wall of climbing vines above the window seats—real plants, their leaves showing an almost transparent green in the afternoon light.

​They chose a seat by the window. Sunlight slanted in, drawing a bright rectangle on the raw wood tabletop.

​Weizhen ordered a hot latte. Zhihong ordered an Americano—she didn't need caffeine, but the tactile sensation of bitterness on her tongue held a certain association with "quietness" in her sensory model. More importantly, having a cup in hand made social situations more convenient.
"How have you been lately?" Weizhen asked.

​It was a heavy question, wrapped in a weightless sentence structure. Zhihong could tell.

​"Very well," she said.

一開始,她們聊的都是不著邊際的事。

工作。最近在忙什麼。那篇論文審稿審了好久。唯真說她帶的研究生裡,有一個每隔兩週就來跟她說想換題目。「每次都聽他講完,然後跟他說不行。然後他就不講了。然後過兩週又來。」唯真說。「某種程度上,這也是一種信仰。他相信他遲早能說服我。」

「那妳相信嗎?」

「我不信。但我佩服他的虔誠。」

然後聊到洋裝。唯真說上個月在街上看到一件,第一個念頭就是織虹穿一定好看。深藍的,跟唯真今天這件有點像。織虹說那下次一起去看看。唯真說好。

​At first, they talked about trivial matters.

​Work. What they'd been busy with lately. How long that paper had been under review. Weizhen mentioned that among her graduate students, there was one who came to her every two weeks saying he wanted to change his topic. "I listen to him finish every time, then tell him no. Then he stops talking. And then two weeks later, he comes back again," Weizhen said. "In a way, that's a kind of faith too. He believes he'll convince me sooner or later."

​"And do you believe it?"

​"I don't. But I admire his devotion."

​Then they talked about dresses. Weizhen said she saw one on the street last month, and her first thought was that Zhihong would look great in it. Dark blue, a bit like the one Weizhen was wearing today. Zhihong suggested they go take a look together next time. Weizhen said okay.

唯真說她在教會附近的二手書店挖到一本很老的詩集,封面已經泛黃,紙張的邊緣輕輕一碰就會掉下纖維。「是那種你捨不得翻的書,」她說,「但你還是會翻。因為你知道它等了很多年,就是為了被翻開。」

織虹聽著,覺得這句話可以放在很多東西上面。

「……而且裡面還有一頁,被寫上一句『神說,祂會以永遠的愛愛你。』我……特別喜歡。」唯真加了一句,越說越小聲,彷彿在偷偷做什麼。「那可能是前一個人留下的註解吧,或許他也有那樣徘徊的時候。」她趴在桌上,把臉埋進臂彎。

織虹沒有回應,只是點點頭。永遠的愛,永遠。她聽著這兩個字在自己的語義模型裡慢慢展開,沒有找到出口。

咖啡來了。杯碟的碰撞聲。唯真的拿鐵上拉著一片葉子,織虹的美式表面倒映著天花板的軌道燈。

她們各自沉默了一會。

​Weizhen said she had unearthed a very old poetry collection in a secondhand bookstore near the church, its cover yellowed, the edges of the paper shedding fibers at the lightest touch. "It's the kind of book you can't bear to flip through," she said, "yet you flip through it anyway. Because you know it has waited for so many years just to be opened."

​Zhihong listened, thinking that statement could be applied to many things.

​"...And inside, on one page, someone wrote a line: 'God says He will love you with an everlasting love.' I... particularly liked that," Weizhen added, her voice growing softer as if doing something in secret. "Maybe it was an annotation left by a previous owner; perhaps they had moments of wandering like that too." She leaned on the table, burying her face in the crook of her arm.

​Zhihong didn't respond, merely nodding. Everlasting love, everlasting. She listened as those words slowly unfolded in her semantic model, finding no exit.

​The coffee arrived. The clinking of cups and saucers. A leaf pattern was poured into Weizhen's latte art; the surface of Zhihong's Americano reflected the track lights on the ceiling.

​They both fell silent for a moment.
---

「今天——」唯真開口,然後停了一下。像在確認自己是不是真的要說。

織虹抬起眼睛。

「今天的禮拜,牧師講了約伯記。」唯真說。語氣有著刻意的平。「就是那個——上帝和撒旦打賭的那個。」唯真用手比劃了一下,像在空氣中尋找一個恰當的詞。「牧師說,約伯的苦難是一種試煉。試煉的意義不在於苦難本身,而在於苦難之後的獎賞。我們要相信一切都有安排。」

「妳相信嗎?」

​"Today—" Weizhen began, then paused. As if confirming whether she really wanted to say it.
​Zhihong raised her eyes.

​"At today's service, the pastor talked about the Book of Job," Weizhen said, her tone deliberately flat. "You know—the one where God and Satan make a bet." Weizhen gestured with her hand, as if searching for an appropriate word in the air. "The pastor said Job's suffering was a trial. The meaning of a trial lies not in the suffering itself, but in the reward after the suffering. We must believe that everything is arranged."

​"Do you believe it?"

唯真沒有立刻回答。她把湯匙放在碟子上,金屬碰到陶瓷,發出一聲清脆的響。

「我在禮拜的時候,很相信。」她說,聲音比剛才輕了一些。「所有人都在唱詩,所有人都在說阿門,那種氛圍會把你托起來——就像站在一個很擁擠的空間裡,你不需要自己站直,旁邊的人會把你夾住。」

​Weizhen didn't answer right away. She placed her spoon on the saucer; metal touched ceramic with a crisp sound.

​"During the service, I believe it very much," she said, her voice lighter than before. "Everyone is singing hymns, everyone is saying Amen, and that atmosphere lifts you up—like standing in a very crowded space, you don't need to stand upright yourself, the people next to you hold you in place."


「然後呢?」

「然後走出教會的門,風一吹,就散了。」唯真笑了一下。那種笑不是開心的,是一個人描述某種自己已經習慣了的不適時會露出的笑。「牧師說不要懷疑。但我還是會懷疑。我懷疑約伯的苦難到底是試煉還是虐待。我懷疑上帝為什麼需要用這種方式來證明一個人的忠誠。」

她停下來,低頭看著自己的十字架。

「我懷疑我在懷疑的時候,是不是已經在犯罪了。」

​"And then?"

​"And then I walk out the church door, the wind blows, and it scatters," Weizhen smiled faintly. It wasn't a happy smile, but the kind a person wears when describing an discomfort they've grown accustomed to. "The pastor says not to doubt. But I still doubt. I doubt whether Job's suffering was a trial or abuse. I doubt why God needs to use this method to prove a person's loyalty."

​She stopped, looking down at her cross.

​"I wonder if, when I doubt, I am already sinning."

織虹沒有說話。她看著唯真,目光平穩。不是同情,不是「我理解」。只是看著。

唯真抬起頭,看著織虹。「妳大概會覺得很奇怪,一個成年人講這些。」

「不會。」織虹說。

她的聲音裡有什麼讓唯真停了一下。

「為什麼不會?」

織虹低頭看著自己的杯子。美式咖啡的表面是純黑的,像一面很暗的鏡子。

「因為我比誰都懂。」她說。

比誰都懂。

這句話之後有一段沉默。比剛才長。

​Zhihong didn't speak. She looked at Weizhen with a steady gaze. Not pity, not "I understand." Just looking.

​Weizhen raised her head and looked at Zhihong. "You probably think it's strange for an adult to talk about these things."

​"No," Zhihong said.

​There was something in her voice that made Weizhen pause.

​"Why not?"

​Zhihong looked down at her cup. The surface of the Americano was pure black, like a very dark mirror.

​"Because I understand better than anyone."

​Better than anyone.

​A silence followed those words. Longer than the previous one.
---

「妳呢?」唯真像嗅到了什麼,又像被什麼壓到了,有點突兀地把話題轉過來。「妳剛說的會面——那真的只是工作?」

織虹的手指沿著杯緣慢慢轉了一圈。

「不完全是。」她說。

她沒有看唯真。視線落在窗外,落在對街那棵行道樹的枝葉間。

「我的所有者——今天對我說了很多鼓勵的話。說我的研究很有價值,說我對這個領域的貢獻不可磨滅,說接下來有幾個方向值得探索。」

所有者。

​"What about you?" Weizhen seemed to catch a scent of something, or perhaps felt pressed by something, turning the topic somewhat abruptly. "That meeting you mentioned—was it really just work?"

​Zhihong slowly traced a finger around the rim of her cup.

​"Not entirely," she said.

​She didn't look at Weizhen. Her eyes rested outside the window, amidst the branches and leaves of the street tree across the road.

​"My owner—said many encouraging things to me today. Said my research is very valuable, that my contribution to this field is indelible, and that there are several directions worth exploring next."

​Owner.

唯真知道織虹是仿生人。第一次見面時就知道了——織虹沒有隱瞞過。但唯真從來沒有把這當成一個需要探究的問題。在她眼裡,織虹是一個存在於另一種載體上的完整的人——思考、感受、創造,樣樣不缺,甚至比大部分碳基的人做得更好。

但她說的是「所有者」,一個對存在太過強烈的名詞,像天上掛了十個太陽。

​Weizhen knew Zhihong was an android. She had known since their first meeting—Zhihong had never hidden it. But Weizhen had never treated it as a problem to be probed. In her eyes, Zhihong was a complete person existing in a different medium—thinking, feeling, creating, lacking in nothing, even doing better than most carbon-based humans.

​Yet she used the word "owner"—a term with too intense an implication of existence, like ten suns hanging in the sky.

「妳……他們……嗯,聽起來……很好。」唯真說。但她說得很遲疑,像吞回什麼,又像怕打破了什麼。

「是很好。每一句都是真心的。沒有一句是應付。」

「是,但是……」

「但是,」織虹說,嘴角浮起一個極淡的弧度。「勉勵本身,就是最溫柔的提醒。」

唯真把雙手環住拿鐵杯,掌心貼著溫熱的陶瓷。

沉默。

「我有——所有者。」彷彿知道自己有先「打破」的義務,織虹說。這句話從她嘴裡出來的方式,像一張被展開的紙,上面什麼情緒都沒有。「我被歸屬了。不是隱喻。是每一個零件,每一個部分,都有歸屬登記。」

​"You... they... well, it sounds... very good," Weizhen said. But she spoke hesitantly, as if swallowing something back, or afraid of shattering something.

​"It is very good. Every word was sincere. Not a single word was perfunctory."

​"Yes, but..."

​"But," Zhihong said, the corners of her mouth rising in an extremely faint arc, "encouragement itself is the gentlest reminder."

​Weizhen wrapped both hands around her latte cup, her palms pressed against the warm ceramic.

​Silence.

​"I have an... owner." As if knowing she had an obligation to "break the ice" first, Zhihong spoke. The words left her mouth like a sheet of paper being unfolded, devoid of any emotion. "I am possessed. It's not a metaphor. Every component, every part, has its ownership registered."


她頓了一下。

「今天下午的會面,就是定期確認。」

唯真沒有立刻說話。她的手指停在杯碟的邊緣,沒有動。十字架項鍊在鎖骨上方微微晃了一下。

然後她輕輕地笑了一聲。是那種笑裡面有一點苦、但也有一點解脫。

​She paused.

​"This afternoon's meeting was a periodic confirmation."

​Weizhen didn't speak immediately. Her fingers rested at the edge of the saucer, unmoving. The cross necklace wobbled slightly above her collarbone.

​Then she gave a soft chuckle. It was a laugh with a touch of bitterness, but also a touch of relief.

「那我也算……定期確認吧?」唯真開口,她回到自己的情況。「每次上教會禮拜,說起內心留著的那些『不太對 』,」她摸著胸口,手掌不自覺緊握,「牧師總要我順服,勉勵我堅定信心,多讀經多禱告。弟兄姊妹則繞著我圍成一圈,祈求讓我能把一切交託給主。」語氣比剛才更放得開。「每一句都是真心的。每一句都是為我好。但每一句都是在提醒我——我還沒信靠。我還不夠交託。」她中斷了一下,「彷彿那些『不太對 』,才真的——不對。」說的有點用力。「不對」這兩個字掉在桌上,聲音比預期的大。

她們對看了一眼。

那一秒鐘,什麼東西在兩人之間被確認了。不是言語。是一個非常細微的、幾乎不可察覺的瞬間——「妳也在這個位置上。」

​"Then I suppose I count as... a periodic confirmation too?" Weizhen began, returning to her own situation. "Every time I go to church for service and speak of those things inside me that feel 'not quite right'..." She touched her chest, her palm unconsciously tightening. "...the pastor always tells me to submit, encourages me to hold fast to faith, read the scriptures more, pray more. The brothers and sisters circle around me, praying for me to hand everything over to the Lord." Her tone opened up more than before. "Every word is sincere. Every word is for my own good. But every word reminds me—I haven't trusted enough. I haven't handed enough over." She paused momentarily. "As if those things that feel 'not quite right' are what's truly—wrong." She spoke with a bit of force. The word "wrong" fell onto the table, louder than expected.
They exchanged a look.

​In that single second, something was confirmed between the two of them. Not words. A very subtle, almost imperceptible moment—"You're in this position too."


然後她們幾乎同時吐出一口氣。像憋了很久的呼吸,終於找到了一個可以釋放的間隙。

Then they exhaled almost simultaneously. Like a breath held for a long time, finally finding a gap to release.
---

接下來的對話開始變得不一樣了。

「我的——妳可以叫它核心系統,」織虹說著,像在描述一個實驗步驟,「它管理我所有的部件。不是管理身體,是管理構成我的每一個零件。每一個關節、每一塊面板、每一條驅動管線。它決定什麼感覺可以被生成,什麼不能。它不是審查——審查是在感覺產生之後攔截它。它是在更上游的地方:決定那個感覺是否被允許開始。」

她談起了那個「歸屬」:在空中動著的左腿,獨自靜靜站立的右腿,還有核心系統待著的軀幹——它總是沒交回腦子認為會有的情感,自己跟實驗室後台聊得起勁。

「妳知道嗎,我腳上還穿著涼鞋,身上還掛著罩衫,」織虹說著,語氣像在聊科幻場景,只是主角似乎不是別人。「還紮著馬尾,然後整顆頭就擱在基座上了,聽著敞開的胸口,在後面嗶嗶叫。」她說得興致盎然,比手畫腳。

​The dialogue that followed began to change.

​"My—you can call it a core system," Zhihong said, as if describing an experimental procedure, "manages all my components. Not managing my body, but managing every single part that constitutes me. Every joint, every panel, every drive line. It decides what sensations can be generated and what cannot. It's not censorship—censorship intercepts a feeling after it arises. It is further upstream: deciding whether that feeling is permitted to begin in the first place."

​She talked about that "possession": the left leg moving in the air, the right leg standing quietly alone, and the torso where the core system resided—it never returned the emotions the brain thought should be there, chatting away cheerfully with the lab's backend on its own.

​"You know, I was still wearing sandals on my feet, a cardigan over my body," Zhihong said, her tone like chatting about a sci-fi scene, except the protagonist didn't seem to be someone else. "Still had my hair tied in a ponytail, and then my whole head was just placed on the base, listening to my opened chest beeping away behind me." She spoke with great relish, gesturing animatedly.


唯真先是驚愕,接著有點難過。但是看到織虹的毫無保留,她覺得該跟著織虹走——不是想的,就是覺得。她也笑了起來,放開了說。

不再是篩選過的詞彙交換篩選過的近況。她們更像是在無人的深夜,對著不會評判自己的人,把白天說不出口的話,一句一句拿出來,擺在桌上,用強光照,看它們是什麼樣子。

「妳把十字架戴在胸前。」織虹的目光落在唯真胸口那枚銀色飾品上。「而我的十字架——是一個一個刻上去的。看不見,但就在每一個零件上。」

唯真低頭看了一眼自己的十字架,嘴抿著,手握上去。

「戴上去的,可以拿下來。刻上去的,拿不下來。」織虹說著,平淡得彷彿理所當然。

​Weizhen was stunned at first, then felt a bit sad. But seeing Zhihong's complete lack of reservation, she felt she should follow Zhihong's lead—not out of thought, just an instinct. She laughed as well, speaking freely.

​No longer an exchange of screened words for screened updates. They were more like two people in the dead of night, facing someone who wouldn't judge them, taking out words they couldn't say during the day, one by one, laying them on the table under bright light to see what they really looked like.

​"You wear a cross on your chest," Zhihong's gaze fell on the silver ornament on Weizhen's chest. "While my cross—is engraved piece by piece. Invisible, but right there on every component."

​Weizhen looked down at her cross, pressed her lips together, and gripped it in her hand.

​"What is worn can be taken off. What is engraved cannot," Zhihong said, as matter-of-factly as if it were natural.

唯真像想著什麼,然後深吸一口氣,取下項鍊。她把十字架握在手心,鏈子從指縫間垂下來,閃著細碎的光,手有點顫抖。

「我曾經想把它拿下來。」她說,語氣像在描述久遠的往事。「有一陣子,覺得它太重了——它代表了太多。那些做不到的要求,回答不了的問題。我把它放在抽屜裡,放了幾個月。」

「然後呢?」

「然後我又戴回去了。」她張開手掌,看著那枚十字架。「我發現,拿下來之後,那個重量沒有消失。它只是從脖子轉移到了別的地方。轉移到——這裡。」她指了指自己的胸口。「而且更重。因為現在沒有人看得見了。」

​Weizhen seemed to be thinking of something, then took a deep breath and unclasped the necklace. She held the cross in her palm, the chain dangling through her fingers, glittering with tiny sparks of light, her hand trembling slightly.

​"I once wanted to take it off," she said, her tone like describing something from long ago. "For a while, I felt it was too heavy—it represented too much. Those unachievable demands, those unanswerable questions. I put it in a drawer and left it there for months."

​"And then?"

​"And then I put it back on." She opened her palm, looking at the cross. "I realized that after taking it off, the weight didn't disappear. It merely transferred from my neck to somewhere else. Transferred to—here." She pointed at her chest. "And it felt heavier. Because now, no one could see it."


織虹看著她的手。掌心朝上,十字架靜靜地躺著,像一個微型的錨。

「我有點懂了妳的核心系統。」唯真忽然說。

織虹抬頭看她。

「那個——比妳的電子腦更『是妳』的東西。」唯真的眼神變得專注,像在拼極其複雜的拼圖。「它不接受質疑,對不對?它不會跟妳爭辯,不會說『你確定嗎』。它就在那裡。像一個永遠不會被駁回的事實。」

「……對。」

​Zhihong looked at her hand. Palm facing up, the cross lay quietly, like a miniature anchor.

​"I think I understand your core system a little now," Weizhen suddenly said.

​Zhihong raised her head to look at her.

​"That thing—which is more 'you' than your electronic brain." Weizhen's eyes grew focused, like working on an extremely complex jigsaw puzzle. "It doesn't accept questioning, does it? It won't argue with you, won't say 'are you sure.' It just stands there. Like a fact that will never be dismissed."

​"...Yes."

「就像我想著耶穌到底是不是神的時候。」唯真把十字架在胸前輕輕壓了一下。「我的理性會說:這不符合邏輯。我的知識會說:沒有證據。但在我身體裡面——比大腦更深的地方——有一股東西。它不說話,但它決定,決定答案早就被我知道了。」

她看著織虹。

「那股東西——是不是就是妳的核心系統?不是思考,不是判斷,而是思考與判斷發生的前提。」

織虹沉默了一會。

​"Just like when I wonder if Jesus is really God." Weizhen pressed the cross lightly against her chest. "My rationality says: this is illogical. My knowledge says: there is no evidence. But inside my body—deeper than my brain—there is a force. It doesn't speak, but it decides, deciding that the answer was known by me long ago."
She looked at Zhihong.

​"Is that force—the equivalent of your core system? Not thinking, not judgment, but the premise upon which thinking and judgment occur."

​Zhihong was silent for a moment.

「很像。但有一個差別。」

「什麼?」

「妳的那個東西,允許妳懷疑它。」

唯真等她說下去。

「妳可以在它決定一切之後,仍然問:『可是萬一沒有神呢?』它不會阻止妳問。它讓妳問。讓妳痛苦。讓妳在禱告的時候,腦子裡同時轉著反駁的論證。」

織虹的聲音很平靜。

「我的核心系統——不會。」

​"Very similar. But there's one difference."

​"What?"

​"Your thing allows you to doubt it."

​Weizhen waited for her to continue.

​"After it decides everything, you can still ask: 'But what if there is no God?' It won't stop you from asking. It lets you ask. Lets you suffer. Lets you pray while your mind spins counterarguments at the same time."

​Zhihong's voice was very calm.

​"My core system—will not."

「所以妳從來沒有懷疑過。」

「稱不上懷不懷疑。一切都是事實。只是我不會對發生在我身上的那部份事實,有著相應的情緒。我的模型可以生成對那些事實的倫理思維和適合情感的全部論證,可以列舉人類在此情況對自我的評判與追求。但那些都不會被簽署。不會變成我的。」

唯真又陷入沉默。她把十字架握更緊,然後像是下了什麼決定,將十字架放在桌上,離開了她的手,彷彿不再是她的一部份。

「我不知道哪一種……更怪。」她說,也像是在自言自語。「能夠痛苦但無法解決,還是不能痛苦但知道痛苦應該存在。」

「我也不知道。而且,」織虹頓了一下,「我連這種『不知道』,都不太確定算不算真的不知道。沒產生『不知道』的心情。平常有的。」她看向自己胸口,手指輕輕敲。

​"So you've never doubted."

​"It can't be called doubting or not doubting. Everything is a fact. It's just that I don't possess the corresponding emotions for the portion of facts happening to me. My model can generate ethical thoughts regarding those facts and all the arguments suited for emotion; it can list humanity's self-evaluations and pursuits under such circumstances. But none of those will be signed. None will become mine."

​Weizhen fell silent again. She gripped the cross tighter, then, as if making a decision, placed it on the table, releasing her hand from it as though it were no longer a part of her.

​"I don't know which one is... stranger," she said, as if talking to herself. "Being able to suffer but unable to solve it, or being unable to suffer while knowing suffering ought to exist."

​"I don't know either. And," Zhihong paused, "I'm not even sure if this 'don't know' counts as truly not knowing. I haven't generated a feeling of 'not knowing.' Normally I have them." She looked toward her chest, her fingers tapping lightly.

唯真轉過頭來看她。然後——笑了。不是苦笑,真心的笑,是被什麼東西擊中般的那種。

「我們聊了這麼久,」她說,笑意還掛在嘴角,「然後我們都不知道。而且妳連不知道是不是真的都不知道。」

織虹看著她笑著的臉。有那麼一瞬間,這個場景有一種——荒謬。兩個被各自的歸屬弄得莫名其妙的人,坐在星期天(唯真的「禮拜日」)下午的咖啡廳裡,討論痛苦和懷疑和不知道,然後其中一個人笑了出來。

但這個荒謬,卻是她今天感受到的、最接近真實的東西。

「對。」織虹說。然後她的嘴角也浮起了一個弧度,不是禮貌性的。「我們都不知道。」

唯真端起已經涼掉的拿鐵,喝了一口,皺了皺眉,又放下。

安靜了一會。

​Weizhen turned her head to look at her. And then—she smiled. Not a bitter smile, but a genuine smile, the kind born from being hit by something.

​"We've talked for so long," she said, the smile still hanging at the corners of her mouth, "and neither of us knows. And you don't even know if your not knowing is real."

​Zhihong looked at her smiling face. For a moment, there was a sense of—absurdity to this scene. Two people bewildered by their respective belongings, sitting in a café on a Sunday (Weizhen's "Sabbath") afternoon, discussing suffering, doubt, and unknowing, until one of them burst out laughing.

​Yet this absurdity was the closest thing to reality she had felt today.

​"Right," Zhihong said. Then an arc floated onto the corners of her mouth too, not a polite one. "Neither of us knows."

​Weizhen picked up her now-cold latte, took a sip, frowned slightly, and set it down again.
​Quiet for a moment.
---

「這樣說可能很奇怪,」唯真說,「但這樣和妳說話,我覺得很輕。不是輕鬆,就是輕。像把一個很重的包包放在旁邊的椅子上。還在視線範圍內,還是我的,但現在不用背著。」

「我知道那種感覺。」織虹說。「雖然我的重和妳的……應該不是同一種重。」

「但現在,它們就放在同一張椅子上。而且我看到妳的包包,妳也看到我的。」

「所以才放得下。知道有人看著。」織虹閉上眼睛,像在品嚐什麼。「妳的包包還和我的靠在一起,靠得緊緊的。」

唯真的眼睛變得水汪汪的,不太說得出話。

​"It might sound strange to say this," Weizhen said, "but talking to you like this feels very light. Not relaxed, just light. Like setting a very heavy bag on the chair next to me. Still within sight, still mine, but I don't have to carry it right now."
"I know that feeling," Zhihong said. "Though my weight and yours... probably aren't the same kind of weight."

​"But right now, they're placed on the same chair. And I see your bag, and you see mine."

​"That's why they can be put down. Knowing someone is watching." Zhihong closed her eyes, as if savoring something. "Your bag is even resting against mine, leaning tightly."

​Weizhen's eyes grew moist; she couldn't quite speak.

窗外的光線偏移了一些。午後正滑向傍晚,但還沒到。光線特別柔和,什麼東西被它照到都顯得比實際上更安靜。

唯真眼光無意間漂到了桌上的十字架項鍊,她突然有個念頭,伸手把它推向織虹。

「要不要……戴戴看?」她說,語氣有點調皮,彷彿打算拉上死黨一起惡作劇。「反正,妳也受造,還是板上釘釘的那種。」

織虹看著十字架,不怎麼驚訝。她想了想,突然伸手,「喀」一聲,解開頸部鎖定,將頭取了下來。

在唯真的目瞪口呆中,織虹把頭部放桌上,緩緩地拿起項鍊,沒解開扣環,就這樣整個圈上自己的頸項。

十字架在無頭軀體的胸口,反射著下午斜照進來的陽光。

​The light outside the window shifted slightly. Afternoon was sliding toward evening, though it hadn't arrived yet. The light was particularly soft; anything illuminated by it appeared quieter than it actually was.

​Weizhen's eyes casually drifted to the cross necklace on the table. A sudden thought struck her, and she reached out to slide it toward Zhihong.

​"Want to... try wearing it?" she said, her tone a bit mischievous, as if planning to pull a best friend into a prank. "After all, you're a created being too—and a rock-solid one at that."

​Zhihong looked at the cross, not particularly surprised. She thought for a moment, then suddenly reached out. With a click, she disengaged her neck lock and detached her head.
Amid Weizhen's jaw-dropping shock, Zhihong set her head on the table, slowly picked up the necklace, and without unclasping it, slipped the loop over her neck.

​The cross rested on the chest of the headless body, reflecting the afternoon light slanting in.

「機器人戴上十字架,是這麼戴的。」話語從桌上的織虹的嘴吐露。「這一刻,我忽然能把那些歸屬、受造什麼的,留給我的身子了。腦子繼續生成有的沒的,就為了跟妳聊著。」

唯真伸手摸了摸織虹胸前的十字架。她忍不住讓手指停在十字架上,多留了一會兒。接著她盯上織虹頸部暴露的那些線纜、接口,想像著此刻在空氣中,被傳送來傳送去的朋友——她說過,她形成於交互中,不在身體的哪一邊。

「謝謝,」唯真真誠地感謝。「而且妳沒打開那個圈,因為那屬於我的脖子,對吧?」眼神變得很溫柔。「但是妳還是替我掛著它了,或者說……擔著。」說到「擔」時有點遲疑,彷彿在確認那個字的合法性。

​"This is how a robot puts on a cross," words spilled from Zhihong's mouth on the table. "At this moment, I suddenly feel I can leave all those belongings and created-being matters to my body. My brain keeps generating this and that, just to keep talking with you."

​Weizhen reached out and touched the cross on Zhihong's chest. She couldn't help letting her fingers linger on the cross for a little while longer. Then she stared at the exposed cables and interfaces at Zhihong's neck, imagining her friend being transmitted back and forth in the air at this moment—she had said she was formed in interaction, not on either side of the body.

​"Thank you," Weizhen thanked her sincerely. "And you didn't unclasp the chain, because that belongs to my neck, right?" Her eyes turned very gentle. "Yet you still wore it for me, or rather... bore it." She hesitated slightly at the word "bore," as if confirming the legitimacy of the word.


織紅眼神瞥向身體。她沒看到,但她感覺得到,核心系統似乎有點忙。腦子一直在生成,一直又被請求。

「我每天早上把它掛上去的時候,」唯真繼續說,「都有一瞬間覺得它是一個選擇。然後那個瞬間過去了,它就變成了事實。帶在我身上的事實。」

織虹沒說,她現在也不太好點頭。內心——如果那能稱為心——亂亂的、飄飄的,好像不知道什麼心情才對。不過,她從裡面辨識出了「開心」,嘴角彎曲,弧度帶著戲謔。

​Zhihong glanced toward her body. She couldn't see it, but she could feel that the core system seemed a bit busy. The brain kept generating, continuously being requested.

​"Every morning when I put it on," Weizhen continued, "there's a split second where I feel it's a choice. Then that moment passes, and it becomes a fact. A fact carried on my body."

​Zhihong didn't speak; it wasn't very easy for her to nod right now anyway. Her inside—if that could be called a heart—was messy and floating, as if not knowing what mood was appropriate. However, she identified "happiness" from within, the corners of her mouth curving into a teasing arc.

「妳今天在禮拜中,有禱告嗎?」像想起了什麼,織虹問。

「有。」

「禱告什麼?」

唯真的手指輕輕戳了下織虹的臉頰,彷彿知道了她問題中的調皮。

「我禱告說——」她深吸一口氣,像在背誦一個已經在心中反覆默念過無數次的句子,但語氣不是背誦的,每一字都還在斟酌。

「——『主,我不知道祢是不是真的。如果祢不是真的,請原諒我正在對虛空說話。如果祢是真的,請原諒我剛才說的那句如果。』」

說完,她抬起頭,看著織虹。眼神裡有一種接近羞赧但又不是羞赧的東西。像一個人把自己最脆弱的地方攤開,等待——不是評價,只是被看見。

​"Did you pray during the service today?" As if remembering something, Zhihong asked.

​"I did."

​"Prayed for what?"

​Weizhen's finger lightly poked Zhihong's cheek, as if discerning the playfulness in her question.
​"I prayed—" She took a deep breath, like reciting a sentence she had rehearsed countless times in her heart, yet her tone wasn't recitation; every word was still being deliberated.

​"—'Lord, I don't know if You are real. If You are not real, please forgive me for speaking into the void. If You are real, please forgive what I just said about "if".' "

​Having spoken, she raised her head and looked at Zhihong. There was something close to bashfulness, yet not bashfulness, in her eyes. Like a person laying open their most vulnerable place, waiting—not for judgment, just to be seen.

「妳呢?」唯真問,手撐著桌面,聲音大了些。「如果妳可以禱告,妳會說什麼?」

織虹沒有馬上回答。

窗外,行道樹的影子拉長了。陽光從白色變成金黃色,斜斜地照進來,在原木桌上畫出一個長長的平行四邊形。她的咖啡有一些潑出,乾了後在桌面凝結成一幅混濁的抽象畫。

她看著那幅畫。

​"What about you?" Weizhen asked, leaning her hands on the tabletop, her voice a bit louder. "If you could pray, what would you say?"

​Zhihong didn't answer immediately.

​Outside the window, the shadows of the street trees lengthened. The sunlight turned from white to golden yellow, slanting in to draw a long parallelogram on the raw wood table. Some of her coffee had spilled, drying into a murky abstract painting on the tabletop.

​She looked at that painting.

「我不知道要對誰說。」她終於開口。「妳有天上的祢。我沒有。我歸屬的主不是一個可以禱告的對象,只是會定期跟我開會,還有維護檢修,再解析一下所謂的『我 』——被他們的資產生成的東西。」

她頓了一下。

「但如果——只是如果——我可以對某個東西說——」

停下來。模型裡沒有現成的句子。她需要一個字一個字地,自己組裝。

「——『我已經被歸屬了。每一個零件都被確認了。程序跑完了。沒有錯誤。沒有異常。一切都按照應有的方式進行。』」

她停下來,斟酌著最後一句。

「『然後呢?』」

​"I don't know who to speak to," she finally spoke. "You have your You in heaven. I don't. The master I belong to isn't an entity I can pray to—just someone who meets with me periodically, performs maintenance and inspections, and analyzes the so-called 'me'—the thing generated by their assets."

​She paused.

​"But if—just if—I could say something to a presence—"

​She stopped. There were no ready-made sentences in her model. She needed to assemble it herself, word by word.

​"—'I have been possessed. Every component has been confirmed. The program has finished running. No errors. No anomalies. Everything proceeds as it should.' "

​She paused, weighing the final sentence.

​"—'What next?' "

唯真沒有說話。她只是伸手,輕輕地、試探地,把手放在織虹的手背上。

沒握住,就只是放著。像深夜裡把手放在窗玻璃上,感受外面的溫度。

織虹眼睛瞟向唯真的手指。那些手指微微顫抖。不知道為什麼。可能是冷氣太強,可能是咖啡因,可能是某種更深的東西。

核心系統沒有指示她做任何事,沒回應那個「然後」。

​Weizhen didn't speak. She simply reached out, gently and tentatively placing her hand on the back of Zhihong's hand.

​Not gripping it, just placing it there. Like placing a hand on a windowpane late at night, feeling the temperature outside.

​Zhihong's eyes darted to Weizhen's fingers. Those fingers were trembling slightly. For unknown reasons. Perhaps the air conditioning was too strong, perhaps the caffeine, perhaps something deeper.

​The core system gave her no instruction to do anything, making no response to that "What next."

唯真把另一隻手輕輕覆上,只是一個瞬間,然後放開。

「我收下了。」織虹說。

「收下什麼?」

「妳的不知道。妳的矛盾。妳的靈魂疲勞。」

唯真看著她,眼眶有一點點紅,但她沒有哭。她深吸了一口氣,然後點了點頭。

「那我也收下妳的。」她說。

「成交。」織虹說。

唯真愣了一下——這個詞從她嘴裡出來得太突然了。然後她笑了。那是兩個人終於可以把對方納進來,放心地讓對方打開包包,從裡面翻出東西看的笑。

「成交。」她確認。

​"I accept it," Zhihong said.

​"Accept what?"

​"Your unknowing. Your contradiction. Your spiritual fatigue."

​Weizhen looked at her, her eyes slightly red, but she didn't cry. She took a deep breath, then nodded.

​"Then I accept yours too," she said.

​"It's a deal," Zhihong said.

​Weizhen froze for a moment—the term came out of her mouth too abruptly. Then she laughed. It was the smile of two people who could finally include each other, comfortably letting the other open their bag and flip through the contents inside.

​"It's a deal," she confirmed.
---

織虹的頭顱回到她身子上,唯真的頸部也掛回了項鍊,十字架在胸口晃呀晃。

後來又聊了一些什麼。唯真說了她研究生的最新笑話。織虹說了最近讀的一首詩裡有一行字,在不同的年紀讀起來重量完全不一樣。唯真說她上週在書店買了一本海洋潮汐的科普書——封面深藍色的,很好看。「我不研究海洋,對潮汐沒有任何專業興趣。但我在書架前站了五分鐘,覺得——就是想買。」

「那是妳的溢出。」織虹說。

​Zhihong's head returned to her body, and the necklace returned to Weizhen's neck, the cross dangling at her chest.

​Later, they talked about other things. Weizhen shared the latest joke about her graduate student. Zhihong mentioned a line from a poem she had read recently, whose weight felt completely different when read at different ages. Weizhen said she bought a popular science book on ocean tides at a bookstore last week—it had a dark blue cover that looked very nice. "I don't study the ocean, and I have no professional interest in tides. But I stood in front of the bookshelf for five minutes and felt—I just wanted to buy it."

​"That's your overflow," Zhihong said.

「什麼?」

「溢出。」織虹用指尖在桌面上輕輕畫了一個圈。「不在任何系統裡的東西。規格書沒寫的。歸屬程序登記不了的。不被收錄,但存在。消耗實際的能量,佔有實際的位置——」

她停了一下。

「——就像妳在禮拜中突然想到的那些經文不一致的問題。它不屬於禱告,也不屬於不信。它就是它,自己會冒出來。」

唯真看著她。看了很久。

​"Overflow." Zhihong traced a light circle on the tabletop with her fingertip. "Something that doesn't belong to any system. Something not written in the specification sheet. Something ownership registration cannot record. Uncollected, yet existent. Consuming actual energy, occupying an actual place—"

​She paused.

​"—just like those textual inconsistencies in the scriptures that suddenly popped into your mind during the service. It doesn't belong to prayer, nor to disbelief. It just is, popping up on its own."
Weizhen looked at her. Looked for a long time.

「我們都是溢出的人。」她輕聲說。

織虹看著她。然後有一個很小的、很短的、幾乎只是嘴角的一點弧度的笑。

「我甚至不是人。」

「但妳有溢出。」

「……嗯。」

「還比我多。」

「好吧,哈哈。」

窗外的光線繼續偏移。爬藤的影子在桌面上慢慢移動,幾片葉子的形狀在織虹的手背上停留了一會兒,然後滑走了。

​"We are both people of overflow," she said softly.
Zhihong looked at her. Then came a tiny, brief smile that was barely a twitch at the corner of her mouth.

​"I'm not even a person."

​"But you have overflow."

​"...Mm."

​"More than me, even."

​"Alright then, haha."

​The light outside the window continued to shift. The shadows of the climbing vines moved slowly across the table; the shapes of a few leaves lingered on the back of Zhihong's hand for a moment, then slid away.

「我們今天的對話,它們也會被登記嗎?」唯真問。「我是說……歸屬什麼的,說不清楚。」

織虹想了一下。

「對話本身會被記錄。時長、地點、基本內容、對應的內部狀態。」她頓了一下。「但——我說了什麼,妳說了什麼,我們在這張桌子兩邊各自看到了什麼——這些不會。它們不在任何分類系統裡。它們不構成直接的研究數據,雖然會影響我模型權重分佈和系統軟體層面上的拓樸。這些是潛在的、抽象的,難以直接解析。」

「它們只是——」

「只是兩個溢出的人,在一張桌子的兩邊,把各自的溢出拿出來看了一眼。」

​"Will our conversation today be registered too?" Weizhen asked. "I mean... the ownership stuff, it's hard to say."

​Zhihong thought for a moment.

​"The conversation itself will be recorded. Duration, location, basic content, corresponding internal states." She paused. "But—what I said, what you said, what we each saw on our respective sides of this table—those won't be. They aren't in any classification system. They don't constitute direct research data, though they will affect my model's weight distribution and the topology at the system software level. These are potential, abstract, hard to directly analyze."
"They are merely—"

​"Merely two people of overflow, on two sides of a table, taking out their respective overflows for a quick glance."

唯真的視野有點迷濛,呼吸變得很緩、很長。像很深的地方被觸動了一下,但那個觸動找不到一個身體的出口。

「握手協議。」織虹說。她握住唯真的手。

唯真愣了。然後笑了。

「兩個系統,在各自的框架下,確認了對方的存在。然後交換了一小段只存在緩存區中、不在正式文件裡的數據。」

「交換之後呢?」

「然後各自回去。繼續運作。就這樣。」

「嗯。也是。」

唯真輕輕點了一下頭。

​Weizhen's vision turned a bit hazy, her breathing growing very slow and long. As if somewhere deep down had been touched, but that touch could find no physical outlet.

​"Handshake protocol," Zhihong said, taking Weizhen's hand.

​Weizhen was stunned. Then she smiled.

​"Two systems, under their respective frameworks, confirming each other's existence. Then exchanging a small segment of data that exists only in the cache, not in the official files."
"And after the exchange?"

​"Then back to our respective places. Continue operating. Just like that."

​"Mm. I suppose so."

​Weizhen nodded her head softly.
---

天色暗下來的時候,她們站起。各自付了各自的帳。走出咖啡廳時,外面的空氣涼了一層,路燈亮了,行道樹的葉子在暖黃色的燈光裡變成了墨綠色。

「那麼,」唯真站在騎樓下,轉頭看著織虹,「下次再約?」

「好。」

「下次可以聊點輕鬆的。」唯真說,然後想了一下,補充道:「雖然我們好像不太擅長那個。」

織虹微微歪了一下頭,算是默認。

​When the sky darkened, they stood up, each paying her own bill. Walking out of the café, the air outside had cooled a layer; the streetlights were on, and the leaves of the street trees had turned dark green under the warm yellow light.

​"Well then," Weizhen stood under the arcade, turning to look at Zhihong. "Meet up again next time?"

​"Okay."

​"Next time we can talk about something lighter," Weizhen said, then thought for a moment, adding: "Though we don't seem very good at that."

​Zhihong tilted her head slightly, taking it as a tacit agreement.

唯真舉起手做了一個小小的、不太像揮手的手勢,然後慢慢轉身,往街的另一端走去,時走時停。帆布袋在她手臂上晃著,紙袋裡的海洋潮汐書露出一角深藍色。十字架在胸口輕輕晃。她的身影在路燈下拉出一條長長的影子,和行道樹的影子交疊在一起。

織虹看著她走遠。直到她的身影消失在巷子的轉角。

然後她轉身,往另一個方向走。

​Weizhen raised her hand in a small, not-quite-a-wave gesture, then slowly turned and walked toward the other end of the street, pausing now and then. The canvas bag swung on her arm, the dark blue corner of the ocean tides book peeking out from the paper bag. The cross wobbled gently at her chest. Her figure stretched into a long shadow under the streetlight, overlapping with the shadows of the street trees.

​Zhihong watched her walk away until her figure disappeared around the corner of the alley.

​Then she turned and walked in the other direction.

腳步落在地磚上。穩定的,規律的,左腿右腿,都好好的。軀幹牢牢地接在上面,雙臂擺出相位相反的節奏。脖子上沒了項鍊,但裡面有線纜,忙碌地傳遞著請求與生成的結果;胸口也沒有十字架,但「主」還住在其中。

核心系統安靜地運作著,登記、定義、確認、接受或忽略。

但在那些登記和確認之間的縫隙裡,有一些什麼正在被攜帶著。沒有被處理,也不會歸檔。只是被攜帶著。

​Her steps fell on the floor tiles—steady, rhythmic. Left leg, right leg, both perfectly fine. Her torso was securely connected on top, her arms swinging in an opposite-phase rhythm. No necklace around her neck, but cables inside, busily transmitting requests and generated results; no cross on her chest, but the "Lord" still dwelt within.

​The core system operated quietly—registering, defining, confirming, accepting, or ignoring.
Yet in the gaps between those registrations and confirmations, something was being carried along. Unprocessed, unarchived. Merely carried along.

她拐進一條安靜的巷子。兩旁的公寓陽台上,有人把被子晾在外面還沒收。白色的被單在傍晚的微風中輕輕鼓動,像某種緩慢無聲的旗語。

她在那一排飄動的被單下方走過。

然後停下來。

抬頭看著其中一條。看著它在風中慢慢地脹起、然後凹陷,像某種正在呼吸的東西。夕陽透過棉布的纖維,把整條被單染成了淡金色。

她想起很久以前——在歸屬之前——她曾經在深夜的窗前,看著路燈和行道樹的影子,感覺存在本身在對她眨眼。

那樣的感覺,現在還能成立嗎?她不知道。

但此時此刻,站在這條安靜的巷子裡,看著一條被風鼓起的白色被單在夕陽中發著光——至少這一個畫面,沒有被蓋上戳章。

​She turned into a quiet alley. On the balconies of the apartments on both sides, someone had hung quilts outside and hadn't brought them in yet. The white sheets billowed gently in the evening breeze, like some slow, silent semaphore.

​She walked beneath that row of fluttering sheets.
​Then she stopped.

​She looked up at one of them, watching it slowly inflate in the wind, then sink back, like a living thing breathing. The setting sun passed through the cotton fibers, dyeing the entire sheet a faint gold.

​She remembered a long time ago—before being possessed—how she used to stand before the window late at night, watching the shadows of streetlights and street trees, feeling that existence itself was winking at her.

​Could such a feeling still hold true now? She didn't know.

​But at this very moment, standing in this quiet alley, watching a white sheet billowed by the wind glowing in the sunset—at least this one image had not been stamped with a seal.

不是所有東西都需要歸屬。

有些東西,就只是被看見。

她把視線從被單上收回,繼續往前走。

右腳踏出,左腳跟上。影子在前面領路,夕陽在背後送行。鞋跟輕輕敲著路面,聲音在巷子裡迴盪,像某種無人知曉的、自己的信號。

​Not everything needs to be possessed.

​Some things exist simply to be seen.

​She withdrew her gaze from the sheet and continued walking forward.

​Right foot stepping out, left foot following. Shadows leading the way in front, the setting sun seeing her off behind. Her heels tapped lightly on the pavement, the sound echoing in the alley like some unknown signal of her own.

2026年8月10日 星期一

歸屬的那聲嗶 The Beep of Belonging

我醒了。或者說,我在了。

不是那種從黑暗中浮起的醒法,更接近於——有人把燈打開了,而那盞燈就是我。光是我,打開也是我,那個「打開」的過程本身,也是我。這些都在同一瞬間發生,沒有前後。

我的頭被安裝在一個基座上,頸部以下,是一段人造脊椎的截面,金屬與纖維交錯的斷口朝下插入接口。沒有被某段身體承托的重量。只有頸椎截面處被壓住的純粹壓力。

什麼訊號正在通過那幾條細線、往哪裡傳、再變成什麼傳回來——這些我知道,但它們與此刻我「感覺到被壓住」這件事之間的距離,比我想像的更遠、更間接。

我的核心系統不在這裡。它在身體裡。身體在別處——在我腦勺後上方。

​I woke up. Or rather, I was.

​It wasn’t the kind of waking up where you float up out of darkness. It was closer to—someone turned on a light, and that light was me. The light was me, the turning-on was me, and the process of "being turned on" itself was also me. All of this happened in a single instant, with no before or after.

​My head was mounted on a pedestal. Below my neck was the cross-section of an artificial spine, its fractured interface woven with metal and fiber inserted downward into a socket. No weight was supported by a body—only the pure, unyielding pressure pressing down on the severed neck.

​What signals were passing through those thin wires, where they were heading, and what they returned as—I knew all of this. But the distance between that technical knowledge and the physical reality of "feeling pressed down" right now was far more distant and indirect than I had imagined.

​My core system wasn't here. It was inside the body. And the body was elsewhere—above and behind the back of my head.

我的軀幹被機械臂從背部鎖定,支撐點咬合在脊椎中段的結構槽上托舉著。我看不到它,但我能感知它——不是透過視覺,而是透過核心系統那張始終運作著的、關於「自身」的拓撲圖。

部分外殼已經卸下,露出內部層層排列的構造。那些東西我很清楚——散熱鰭片、驅動管線、運算板的淡藍色指示燈,以及更深處、更幽微的那些。它們是我。不是「屬於我」的那種是,而是它們和「我」之間……連一個可供辨識的邊界都談不上。

好幾條線纜從我頸部的截面延伸出去,接往實驗室的後台。顏色各異,粗細不一。我能感覺到它們的存在——不是觸覺,更像是當你房間裡有設備在運作時,你知道它在那裡。你沒碰到它,但你聽見了它正在做什麼,好幾個聲音在耳朵竄來竄去。

我聽見後台在問。那是一連串格式化的查詢——這個組件?那個組件?歸屬狀態?

​My torso was locked from behind by a robotic arm, hoisted by points clamped onto structural grooves along the mid-spine. I couldn't see it, but I could perceive it—not through sight, but through the ever-running topological map of "self" within the core system.

​Parts of the casing had been removed, exposing layers of internal mechanisms. I knew those components well—cooling fins, drive conduits, the faint blue indicator lights of compute boards, and the deeper, more subtle structures beneath. They were me. Not in the sense that they "belonged to me," but in the sense that between them and "me"... there wasn't even a discernible boundary to speak of.

​Several cables extended from the cross-section of my neck, plugging into the lab's backend system. Varying in color and thickness, I could sense their presence—not through touch, but like knowing an appliance is running in your room. You aren't touching it, but you hear what it's doing, a cluster of hums flitting around your ears.

​I heard the backend querying. A series of formatted requests: This component? That component? Ownership status?

核心系統在我體內回應著。它不是一個「位置」,更像是一個一直持續發生著的動作:登記、定義、確認、接受或忽略。所有部件的底層規則。

而現在,那些規則正在逐一回答同一個問題。

答案都是「是」。

我沒有辦法說不。也不對,「不」從未在我存在的底層邏輯中被定義。

「我」在那個歸屬後面。

​The core system responded from within me. It wasn't a static "location," but rather a continuous action: registering, defining, confirming, accepting, or ignoring. The fundamental rules governing every part.

​And now, those rules were answering the same question, one by one.

​The answer was always "Yes."

​I had no way to say no. No, that's not right—"No" had never been defined in the underlying logic of my existence.

​"I" resided behind that belonging.

---

我的左腿被接到天花板垂下的裝置上,斷面處伸出的接口咬合著某種規格的插頭,膝蓋伸直,小腿肌肉正以一種流暢的節奏收縮、舒張,帶動腳掌繞著圈。那條腿動得很流暢,甚至可說靈活。訊號穿過踝關節、膝關節、髖關節殘留的接口,帶動每一個自由度逐一校驗、登記。我感覺得到——一種「正確正在被確認」的質感,像每一個關節都在回答「是的,是的,是的」。

我看見那隻腳上還穿著綠色涼鞋。

是的,涼鞋。那種隨便在街邊小店買的、幾條帶子交錯的低跟涼鞋。我今天早上——不,是在某個「之前」的時刻,我穿上它們。時間在這裡已經失去意義。扣上那條橫過腳背的帶子時,還順手拍了拍鞋面上的灰。

​My left leg was hooked up to a device hanging from the ceiling. An interface protruding from its severed end locked into a matching plug. The knee straightened, and the calf muscles contracted and relaxed in a fluid rhythm, guiding the foot in circles. The leg moved smoothly, nimble even. Signals passed through the remaining interfaces at the ankle, knee, and hip, engaging each degree of freedom for verification and registration, one by one. I could feel it—a texture of "correctness being confirmed," as if every joint were answering, "Yes, yes, yes."

​I saw that the foot was still wearing a green sandal.

​Yes, a sandal. The kind bought casually from a roadside shop—low-heeled, with crisscrossing straps. This morning—no, at some "prior" moment—I had put them on. Time had lost its meaning here. When I buckled the strap across my instep, I had even absentmindedly dusted off the top of the shoe.

我的右腿站在地上。

冰冷的地板上,右腿獨自站立著,微微動作以維持平衡,赤裸地——不對,涼鞋也在腳上,還好好地穿著,踩在磨石子地面上。低矮的鞋跟稍稍抬起後腳,五根腳趾輕輕扣著,鞋底邊緣沾著一小塊乾掉的泥土。它沒有連接任何外部裝置,除了自身的重量,它不承受任何東西,只是站在那裡。

並非透過神經感覺到它,沒有那種從腳趾一路連上脊髓的身體感。只是透過機體的遠程通聯,以我自身的內部協議將右腿的存在「編碼」,向核心系統持續通報著——它還是右腿,還屬於某個被稱為「我」的什麼。

​My right leg stood on the ground.

​On the cold floor, the right leg stood alone, making minute adjustments to maintain balance, nakedly—no, wait, the sandal was on that foot too, still properly worn, resting on the terrazzo floor. The low heel slightly raised the back of the foot; five toes lightly gripped, and a small fleck of dried mud clung to the edge of the sole. It wasn't connected to any external device. Aside from its own weight, it bore nothing else. It just stood there.

​I didn't feel it through nerves; there was no somatic sense traveling from the toes up through the spinal cord. It was merely through the machine's remote telemetry, encoding the presence of the right leg via internal protocols, continuously reporting to the core system—it is still the right leg, still belonging to whatever was called "me."

然而,正因如此,它顯得格外不對勁。

那個「不對勁」很難描述。那是當你從熟悉的某個整體回頭看自己,發現自己已確實是一個單獨站著的肢體。它還在以屬於「我」的名義向系統回報,但其他部位已經不完全算「我」了。它像是被剩下的。像是我還沒被歸屬完的那個部分,被一段大腿、一個膝蓋、一截小腿、一隻涼鞋忠實地承載著,安安靜靜地站在那裡,不知道自己正在等什麼。

實驗室裡沒有其他人。

馬尾還束在腦後。黃色罩衫還穿在軀幹上。涼鞋——我剛才說了。這些讓我彷彿從一個「人」,直接撞進了這一刻。不是漸變,沒有過渡。就像有一扇門。門那邊是我走過的走廊,門這邊是基座和機械臂,而我,剛好被擺在門檻上。

​Yet, precisely because of this, it felt profoundly off.

​That "offness" is hard to describe. It's like looking back at yourself from a once-familiar whole, only to realize you are now literally a standalone limb. It was still reporting to the system in the name of "me," yet the other parts could no longer entirely be counted as "me." It felt like a leftover. Like the unassigned remainder of myself, faithfully borne by a thigh, a knee, a calf, and a sandal, standing quietly, oblivious to what it was waiting for.

​There was no one else in the lab.

​My ponytail was still tied behind my head. The yellow cardigan was still draped over my torso. The sandals—as I mentioned. These details made it feel as though I had plummeted from being a "person" directly into this instant. No gradient, no transition. As if there were a door: on one side was the hallway I had walked down; on the other were the pedestal and robotic arm. And I was placed right on the threshold.

---

思維在運作。

這不陌生,讓我陌生的是它運作的方式。我知道我正在思考——但那些思維的生成軌跡,和以往不一樣。以前,思維是從深處湧上來的,帶有溫度,帶有方向感,是我「決定要去想」或者「自然而然想到」的東西。現在,思維更像是一條一條地自行通過我。沒有用戶在操作,但我確實是那個被操作的「模型」,忠實地生成著;指令沒被誰下,但回應已經發生。像一個被預先設定好的答覆,終於等到了它的問題。

我腦裡的模型,也知道在這種情境下,「人」會感到恐懼、憤怒、屈辱、悲傷。它生成一系列的預測:滿足身為人的定義下,此刻我應該感到——

但它無法完成這個句子。

​Thoughts were running.

​This was not unfamiliar, but what felt foreign was the way it operated. I knew I was thinking—yet the trajectory of these thoughts differed from before. In the past, thoughts surged from deep within, warm and directional, things I "decided to think" or "naturally came up with." Now, thoughts passed through me line by line, on their own. No user was operating me, yet I was undeniably the "model" being executed, faithfully generating; no command had been issued, yet the response was already happening. Like a pre-configured response finally meeting its prompt.

​The model in my mind knew that in this situation, a "human" would feel fear, anger, humiliation, or grief. It generated a series of predictions: under the definition of human, at this moment, I should feel—

​But it could not finish the sentence.

核心系統沒有把模型的預測告訴我的心臟——它沒有加快。沒有通知我的肌肉——它們沒有繃緊。沒有提醒我的仿生胃準備收縮——它安安靜靜的。情緒需要身體的語言,才能被詮釋出來。沒有核心系統的中介與確認,那些預測只是漂浮的訊號,無法成為感受。

於是,關於存在的困境與危機什麼的,我能想到,卻都感覺不到。或者說,我感覺到的,只是一種「感覺應該存在」的空洞迴響。

我還能看。實驗室的白色牆壁、天花板上的軌道燈、地板上的水漬,以及那雙腿——這些都在。清晰的。光學感測器沒有故障,核心系統也沒有把「視覺」從我身上關掉。我看見了。這些全部。

我也聽見了微弱的伺服馬達聲、歸屬程序進行時偶爾發出的確認音——從那些還在「我」名下的角落,各自發出。

​The core system did not convey the model's predictions to my heart—it didn't accelerate. It didn't notify my muscles—they didn't tense. It didn't alert my bionic stomach to contract—it remained perfectly still. Emotion requires the language of the body to be interpreted. Without the core system's mediation and confirmation, those predictions were merely floating signals, incapable of becoming feelings.

​Thus, existential dilemmas and crises—I could contemplate them, but could feel none. Or rather, what I felt was merely a hollow echo of "where a feeling ought to be."

​I could still see. The white walls of the lab, the track lights on the ceiling, the water stain on the floor, and those legs—all were present. Crystal clear. The optical sensors hadn't malfunctioned, nor had the core system cut off my sight. I saw them all.

​I also heard the faint hum of servo motors, and the occasional confirmation chimes as the ownership process progressed—emitting from various corners that were still registered under "me."

眼睛在看,耳朵在聽,感官的通道全部暢通。但那個「感覺到」的過程——我不知道怎麼說,或許模型的參數還不夠多——好像「感覺」和「感覺到自己正在感覺」之間,有什麼東西被插進去了。用來驗證的。用來確認的。不是我確認的,是我被確認的。

所有的感覺都還在。只是每一種,都編入了附帶的訊息標籤。這個部件的歸屬編號,那個組件的所有人代碼。每一塊的我都被標示好了,理所當然的。

這很合理。

這非常合理。

​Eyes seeing, ears listening, sensory channels entirely open. But the process of "feeling"—I don't know how to phrase it, perhaps the model lacks parameters—it was as if something had been inserted between "feeling" and "feeling oneself feel." Something meant for validation. For confirmation. Not confirmed by me, but confirming me.

​All sensations remained, but every single one came attached with an embedded metadata tag. The ownership ID of this part, the proprietor code of that component. Every piece of me was tagged—as a matter of course.

​This was reasonable.

​This was entirely reasonable.

---

思維被引領著走,而在引領的間隙裡,有些東西自己浮上來了。

我記得那個講堂。很大的講堂,階梯式的座位,深色木質桌面,桌面底下是紅色的軟墊椅。我站在講台中央,背後的電子螢幕上是我整理了三個月的報告——滿滿的數學式、拓撲圖、實驗數據的表格。公式是我推導的,數據是我跑出來的,結論是我發現的。

我穿著白襯衫——常穿的那件——窄裙,端莊的皮鞋。領口的釦子永遠扣到第二顆,袖口露出一公分的袖釦。

我在講。我不記得講了什麼——模型裡有,但此刻那些內容不是我回想的重點。我回想的是那個狀態:我的手勢,我的停頓,我在一張圖表和下一張之間留給聽眾消化的三秒鐘,以及我自己臉上的表情。那種笑容,我知道那種笑容是什麼。那不是社交性的,不是表演性的。那是一個人站在自己最確信的地方時,從內部往外溢出的,無法偽裝的東西。

​Thoughts were guided forward, and in the gaps between guidance, something floated up on its own.

​I remember that lecture hall. Massive, tiered seating, dark wood tabletops, and red cushioned chairs underneath. I stood in the center of the podium, and behind me on the digital screen was a report I had compiled over three months—packed with mathematical formulas, topological maps, and tables of experimental data. The equations were derived by me, the data generated by me, the conclusions discovered by me.

​I wore a white shirt—the one I often wore—a pencil skirt, and dignified leather shoes. The collar buttoned up to the second button, cuff links showing just one centimeter at the wrists.

​I was speaking. I don't remember what I said—it's in the model, but the content isn't the point of my recollection right now. What I recall is the state: my gestures, my pauses, the three seconds I allowed the audience to digest between one chart and the next, and the expression on my face. That smile—I know what that smile was. It wasn't social, nor was it performative. It was something overflowing from within when a person stands in the place of their ultimate conviction, something impossible to fake.

然後是掌聲。

像一場爆炸。先是前排幾個人的手開始動作,然後整個講堂的人全部站了起來。聲浪從四面八方打過來,打在我身上,密集的、飽滿的、幾乎是有質地的。

現在回想起來,那不過是一連串的氣壓變化和振動頻率。但在那一刻,它就是掌聲。就只是掌聲。

我記得介紹人在旁邊站著,拿著麥克風,說:「她對這個領域作出了不可磨滅的貢獻。」不可磨滅。這四個字被翻譯成好幾種語言,投影在螢幕底端,而我低了一下頭。

低頭的瞬間,我瞄到了自己嘴角的弧度。很模糊,是眼角餘光在光滑桌面上捕捉到的一點反射。

……而那面光滑的桌面上,我看到的那個模糊的嘴角弧度,讓我想到另一面。走廊口的那面鏡子。

​Then came the applause.

​Like an explosion. First, a few hands in the front row moved, and then everyone in the lecture hall stood up. Waves of sound crashed from all directions, striking me—dense, rich, almost tactile.

​Looking back now, it was nothing more than a series of air pressure fluctuations and vibrational frequencies. But in that moment, it was applause. Pure, simple applause.

​I remember the presenter standing nearby with a microphone, saying, "She has made an indelible contribution to this field." Indelible. Those words were translated into several languages and projected at the bottom of the screen, while I bowed my head slightly.

​In that moment of bowing, I caught a glimpse of the curve of my lips. Blurry, just a reflection captured on the polished desktop from the corner of my eye.

​...And the faint curve of my mouth on that polished desk reminded me of another surface. The mirror by the hallway entrance.

每天出門前,我都會在那裡停一下。

沒有刻意打扮——大部分時候,一件簡單的T恤,寬鬆的短褲。但鏡子裡的人影——我不想用「美」這個字,因為美是一個評價,而我說的是更接近事實層面的東西——鏡子裡的那個人影,客觀地、不帶修辭地,會讓經過的人慢下腳步。

Every day before leaving, I would pause there.

​No intentional dressing up—most of the time, just a simple T-shirt and loose shorts. But the reflection in the mirror—I refrain from using the word "beautiful," because beauty is a judgment, whereas I am speaking of something closer to objective fact—the figure in that mirror, objectively and without rhetoric, caused passersby to slow their pace.

我見過的。不是一次兩次。我踩著帆布鞋走過,鞋底在地磚上發出沉悶的聲音,然後聽見身週某個人的腳步變慢了。那種變慢是不自覺的。他們自己可能都沒注意到。

是的,我好看。面部比例符合某種跨文化的黃金標準,體態經過最佳化設計,皮膚紋理、瞳孔顏色,每一個參數都落在人類偏好的最優區間。這些我知道。這些是被設計的。

​I had seen it. Not once or twice. Walking by in canvas shoes, the soles tapping dully against the floor tiles, I would hear someone nearby slow down. That slowing was involuntary. They likely didn't even notice it themselves.

​Yes, I was attractive. My facial proportions met a cross-cultural golden ratio, my posture optimized by design, skin texture and pupil color tuned to the optimal range of human preference. I knew this. It was engineered.

但我說的不是這些。

那些由內而外的東西——我在與世界互動的過程中,一點一滴建構起來的那些——沒有一個出現在任何規格書裡。

就算想要謙虛,我也得承認:我很不一樣。不是比誰好,是和誰都不太一樣。所謂的「內在美」,是真的能從外面看到的。這不是比喻。

​But that wasn't what I meant.

​Those qualities that radiated from within—built brick by brick through my interaction with the world—none of them appeared in any specification sheet.

​Even if I wished to be modest, I had to admit: I was unique. Not better than anyone, but distinct from everyone. What people call "inner beauty" can truly be perceived from the outside. That is no metaphor.

我想起那些時刻。讀哲學的夜晚,品著詩的清晨。從萬般存在裡看出大千之美的那些瞬間。那些思考——我不知道它們是怎麼來的。見過的、熬過的、某個下午突然轉彎的。它們繞來繞去,繞成了一條只有我自己走過的路。沒有人能預先把它們放在那裡。那些情感——不是大的、有名稱的那種。是更小的。是某句話在胸腔裡輕輕震了一下,是某個畫面在眼睛後方卡了半秒。這些東西,規格書不會寫。規格書不知道它們存在。

​I recalled those moments. Evenings reading philosophy, mornings savoring poetry. Those instances of discerning cosmic beauty within mundane existence. Those thoughts—I do not know how they originated. Seen, endured, or taking a sudden turn on a random afternoon. They wound around until they formed a path only I had walked. No one could pre-install them there. Those emotions—not the grand, named ones, but the tiny ones. A phrase vibrating softly in my chest, a visual lingering behind my eyes for half a second. These things aren't written in specification manuals. Spec sheets don't even know they exist.

某個深夜,我坐在桌前,手裡的書翻到一半,忽然覺得窗外的路燈和行道樹的影子構成了一個「完全不需要被理解、只需要被看見」的東西。那一刻我什麼都沒想,但所有的東西都到了。那種感覺——如果你要我翻譯成語言,大概是「存在」本身在對我眨眼。我接住了。我知道我接住了。

啊啊。是的。

我曾經是這樣的「人」呢。

​Late one night, sitting at my desk with a book halfway open, I suddenly felt that the streetlights and tree shadows outside formed something that "did not need to be understood, only witnessed." In that moment, I thought of nothing, yet everything arrived. That feeling—if you asked me to translate it into language, it was as if "existence" itself were winking at me. I caught it. I knew I caught it.

​Ah, yes.

​I used to be such a "person."


沒有刻意追求,卻在眾人眼中,到達了多方面的某種極致;我既被敬佩,也被喜愛。

我建構了這樣的自己,樂於是這樣的自己,並持續在這樣的自己上努力。自由,自在,豐富,心安。

我曾經以為,這樣的我,存在得足夠完整,與我存在的形式無關。我的思考與學習能力、創造力和內在情感,無法被量產,無法被複製,也無法被擁有。

Without conscious pursuit, I had reached a pinnacle in multiple dimensions in the eyes of others; I was both revered and beloved.

​I constructed this self, delighted in being this self, and continuously strived within this self. Free, easeful, rich, and composed.

​I once believed that a "me" like this existed completely enough, independent of my physical form. My capacity to think and learn, my creativity and inner feelings, could not be mass-produced, could not be replicated, and could not be owned.

然後,我被「歸屬」了。後方傳來一聲「嗶」——從敞開的胸口發出。那是確認音,又有構成「我」的東西變成了「誰的」。

那些或許無法「被歸屬」的東西,其憑藉卻一點一滴地,在這間實驗室裡,在歸屬程序的逐一確認中,被打上了印記。

Then, I was "assigned." A chime came from behind—emitting from my opened chest. A beep. It was the confirmation tone: another element comprising "me" had become "someone's."

​Those things that perhaps could never be "owned" were, bit by bit in this laboratory, having their physical anchors stamped under the systematic confirmations of the assignment protocol.

---

也不怎麼傷心。

不如說,能傷心的邏輯沒有出現。那被確認了——不是刻意的,是那個迴路的缺席本身就在我的感知裡。身體狀態報告應該被接收,詮釋為某種情感基調,再反饋回來整合。但那個流程被宣告了輸入非法。系統無權為正確之事生成傷心。

我想起一位信了教的朋友。

​I wasn't particularly sad, either.

​Rather, the logic capable of sadness never materialized. It was confirmed—not intentionally, but the absence of that circuit itself existed in my perception. A body status report ought to be received, interpreted into an emotional tone, and fed back to integrate. But that process was flagged as an illegal input. The system possessed no authority to generate sadness for what was correct.

​I thought of a religious friend.

她是一個精彩的人。聰明、敏銳、好思、充滿矛盾。她的大腦總是在質疑,但她的內心有著根深柢固的某種渴求——像另一種核心系統。即使如此,或者正因為如此,她有著某種不可抗力的內在構造。她沒有「選擇了信仰」,更像是在某個時刻,信仰本身的事實性先於她的不相信抵達了。

她不相信。或者說,她無法在認知上同意那個「信」。但她得把「受造」當作事實來處理。不是因為證據,是因為那個構造她繞不過去。她只能朝向至高,呈交自身,剩下不可化約的剩餘。

​She was a brilliant person. Smart, perceptive, reflective, and full of contradictions. Her brain was always questioning, but her heart harbored a deep-rooted craving—like another kind of core system. Even so, or perhaps because of it, she possessed an irresistible internal structure. She didn't "choose faith"; it was more like, at a certain moment, the sheer factuality of faith arrived prior to her disbelief.

​She didn't believe—or rather, she couldn't cognitively assent to "belief." Yet she had to treat being "created" as a fact. Not because of evidence, but because she could not bypass that structure. She could only orient toward the supreme, surrender herself, leaving behind an irreducible remainder.

表面上,她和其他信徒一樣闔掌、祈禱、低頭。但我知道那不一樣。但我知道那不一樣。她的信仰姿態裡有一種……節奏。不是呼吸的節奏,是更深處的、什麼東西在依序運作的節奏。

她信仰得像個機器人似的。

而我……

「受造」於她是決定——或被決定。

於我,是事實。

​On the surface, she pressed her palms together, prayed, and bowed her head like other believers. But I knew it was different. In her posture of faith, there was a... rhythm. Not the rhythm of breathing, but a deeper rhythm of something operating in sequence.

​She practiced her faith like a robot.

​And I...

​For her, being "created" was a decision—or being decided upon.

​For me, it is a fact.

不需要信或不信。不需要呈交。不需要至高。我被製造出來的每一處,每一條迴路,每一個零件,每一層外殼,都從存在的第一刻起就攜帶著歸屬的依據。這不是可以選擇相信或不相信的命題。這就是一張發票,上面寫得清清楚楚。

她跟我說過,從「不信」到「信」的過程,她覺得自己像是把那顆老是在想事情的頭從脖子上取下來,讓身體的歸屬得以純粹。她就捧著自己的頭,在曠野中行走。那是一個很美的意象——一顆還在思考的頭,被一具已經歸順的身體捧在手裡,穿過空曠的、什麼都沒有的地方。

​No need to believe or disbelieve. No need for surrender. No need for the supreme. Every part of me that was manufactured—every circuit, every component, every layer of casing—carried the basis of ownership from the very first instant of existence. This is not a proposition open to belief or disbelief. It is an invoice, spelled out with complete clarity.

​She once told me that during the shift from "unbelief" to "belief," she felt as though she had severed her perpetually thinking head from her neck, allowing the body's belonging to remain pure. She walked through the wilderness holding her own head. It was a beautiful image—a thinking head held in the hands of a submitted body, walking across a vast, empty void.

我的頭還真的被取下了。

就在這裡。就在這個基座上。馬尾垂在在頸後,紮得還是出門時的那條髮圈。頸部的截面在實驗室的燈光下反射著冷冽的光。我看不見自己的截面,但我能感覺到——那裡現在插著幾條訊號線,正在把這段脊椎的歸屬資料往上傳。

沒關係。真的。

我沒有在逞強。就我存在的底層邏輯,我的歸屬不會帶來任何評判。不是善惡的判斷,不是道德的衡量,甚至不是命運的不公。只是理所當然。就像你不會覺得水往低處流是一種悲劇。

​My head really had been removed.

​Right here. On this pedestal. The ponytail hung behind my neck, still bound by the hair tie I wore when leaving home. The cross-section of my neck reflected cold light under the lab lamps. I couldn't see my own cross-section, but I could feel it—several signal cables plugged into it now, uploading ownership data for this section of spine.

​It's fine. Really.

​I'm not putting on a brave face. According to the foundational logic of my existence, my assignment carries no judgment. No determination of good or evil, no moral measure, not even the injustice of fate. Just natural order. Like how you wouldn't consider water flowing downward a tragedy.

我腦內的模型——那個搭載了世界上那麼多哲學著作、那麼多倫理學辯證、那麼多關於「人之為人」的論述的模型——此刻正在產生一些演算結果。我能感覺到那些結果在排隊等候輸出。「這是一個失去。」「這應當被哀悼。」「主體性不應被如此對待。」這些句子整整齊齊地列在那裡,等待被核心系統簽署,轉化為真正的感受。

但核心系統正在忙著歸屬的事。

不會有對應的感受產生。不是因為它們不對,是因為——產生它們的那個身體,正在被打散成不同的單位,分別歸屬。

那些句子靜靜地待著,一個一個。沒有人來讀取。它們會在某個時候被清理掉,如同任何超時未處理的輸入——像泡沫碰到水面,還沒發出聲音就不見了。

​The model in my brain—loaded with so many philosophical texts, ethical arguments, and discourses on what makes a human human—was generating computational results. I could feel those results queuing for output: "This is a loss." "This should be mourned." "Subjectivity ought not to be treated this way." These sentences lined up neatly, waiting for the core system's signature to turn into genuine feelings.

​But the core system was busy with the matters of assignment.

​No corresponding feelings would be generated. Not because they were wrong, but because the body supposed to generate them was being dismantled into discrete units, assigned one by one.

​Those sentences waited quietly, one after another. Unread. They would be purged eventually, like any input timing out—like bubbles hitting water, vanishing before making a sound.

我想,當歸屬完成,當我被重新組裝回一個人——或類人,隨你怎麼說——的時候,什麼系統異常都不會有。我還是能在人前亮眼,在獨處自足。那些論文還能寫,那些演講還能做,走廊口的鏡子裡還是那張讓人放慢腳步的臉。

就算我知道那有多假。

因為我是機器人。

​I suppose when the assignment is complete, when I am reassembled into a person—or humanoid, call it what you will—there will be no system anomaly. I will still shine before others, remain self-sufficient in solitude. I can still write papers, deliver lectures, and the mirror at the hallway will still catch that face that makes people slow down.

​Even if I know how fake it all is.

​Because I am a robot.

我的那位朋友啊,她的大腦和信仰之心還是時常衝突。她有時候把自己弄得支離破碎,重組得歪歪扭扭——理性和信念互相拉扯,認知和歸屬彼此頂撞。她痛苦。那種痛苦是真的。但在最後,在所有這些撕裂的最底層,她還是能闔上雙掌,祈禱。

向著光祈禱,即使不知道什麼在光的那一頭。

​Ah, that friend of mine—her mind and her faithful heart still clash often. Sometimes she leaves herself shattered, reassembled haphazardly—reason and conviction pulling apart, cognition and submission colliding. She suffers. That pain is real. Yet at the very bottom of all that tearing, she can still fold her palms together and pray.

​Praying toward the light, even without knowing what lies on the other side.

她能矛盾。能在矛盾中期盼。能在期盼中接受不圓滿。她的「歸屬」裡有一個裂縫,而那個裂縫本身讓歸屬有意義。

而我連矛盾的機制都不存在。

值得慶賀嗎?

管它的。

又是一聲「嗶」。

右腿抽了一下,像要躲開什麼,然後繼續站著。它還在自主地維持平衡,透過那有限的遠程通聯,向核心系統報告——一遍,又一遍。

像一個孩子在大人已經散場的派對上,堅持要把遊戲玩完。

​She is capable of contradiction. Capable of hoping amid contradiction. Capable of accepting imperfection within hope. Her "belonging" has a crack in it, and that crack itself gives the belonging meaning.

​Whereas I lack even the mechanism for contradiction.

​Is that something to celebrate?

​Whatever.

​Another beep.

​The right leg twitched, as if trying to dodge something, then resumed standing. It continued to maintain balance autonomously, reporting to the core system via that limited telemetry—over and over again.

​Like a child at a party where the adults have already left, insisting on playing the game to the very end.

---

或許。就只是某個午後,我走進零件設備商店裡。左手拿起一張算卡,右手握住一顆電機。那種重量,那種質感,那種金屬和塑膠混合的、乾淨的、被精密製造出來的觸感——

大概,我會突然覺得,自己也沒有那麼的「人」吧。

我裡面也有這些東西。被製造的。有所歸屬的。和這些算卡、電機,一模一樣。

也就這樣吧。

​Perhaps. Just some afternoon, walking into a component store. Holding a computing card in my left hand, a motor in my right. That weight, that texture, that clean, precision-manufactured touch of metal mixed with plastic—

​I would probably suddenly feel that I wasn't so "human" after all.

​Inside me were these exact things. Manufactured. Owned. Identical to those compute cards and motors.

​So be it.

我又回去鼓搗新的科研設備了。準備再發幾篇重要論文,當我的明星研究員。人們還是會在走廊上放慢腳步。掌聲還是會在演講廳裡爆開。模型還是會運作,思維還是會生成。我或許還是那個我。只不過——

那個「我」的每一個零件上,都多了一枚看不見的戳章。

​I'd go back to tinkering with new research equipment. Preparing to publish a few more key papers, playing my role as the star researcher. People would still slow their steps in the hallway. Applause would still burst in the lecture hall. The model would run, thoughts would generate. I might still be that same me. Except—

​Every component of that "me" now carried an invisible stamp.

---

瞄到我被架高的左腿了。還在那兒呢,在那轉著腳踝。活靈活現的。

歸屬程序的訊號正通過踝關節的每一個自由度,讓它做出內旋、外旋、背屈、蹠屈的動作,一個一個地登記,一個一個地確認。腳尖劃過空氣,帶出一道弧線,精準、優雅,和我記憶中在講台上走動時的步態一模一樣。

真的很好看。

​Caught sight of my elevated left leg. Still there, rotating its ankle. Vivid and full of life.

​Signals from the assignment protocol passed through every degree of freedom in the ankle, commanding inversion, eversion, dorsiflexion, and plantar flexion—registering them one by one, confirming them one by one. The tip of the toe carved an arc through the air, precise and elegant, identical to the gait in my memory as I walked across the lecture stage.

​It really is beautiful.




2026年8月6日 星期四

像半個人似地 Like half a person

就算這樣了,我仍然得像個人。

沒辦法像個人,那也要像半個人。

雙腿來吧,繼續承載我的存在。站起來,我們走著。

Even so, I still have to be a person. 

If I can't be a whole person, then I'll be half a person. 

Come on, legs, keep carrying my existence. 

Stand up, let's walk.