The Most Loyal Betrayal and Love Wearing a Crown of Thorns
其零 《暖洋之淵：始源》
Part Zero: Abyss of Warmth: The Origin
一、幻夢
I. The Dream
「鈴——」
鬧鐘劃開晨霧，也刺穿了夢境。
又是那個夢。
夢裡的我，在無垠的空中自在遨遊。我貪婪地張望，汲取著眼前流轉如星雲般的每一幕風景——這世界如此浩瀚，抽象而絢爛，複雜卻又充滿誘人的樂趣。我興奮不已，彷彿生來就該如此飛翔。
飛著飛著，父親的面容自然浮現。
他就像我初次試飛的天空。家中那面書牆，是他的疆域：硬殼精裝的科學巨著、銅版紙印的深空星圖、還有塞滿縫隙的科幻小說。他總能將黑洞、意識或次世代科技的奧秘，熬煮成我這小女孩能嚥下的童話。他的眼睛永遠亮著發現新大陸般的光彩，迫不及待要與我分享又拓寬了幾寸的思緒疆界。
當然，我也有追不上他思緒步伐的時候。那些過於抽象的概念像滑溜的魚，剛抓住鱗片，便從指縫溜走。每當我因沮喪而沉默，他總能敏銳地察覺。
「會不會有什麼關係？」他揉亂我的頭髮，寬闊的聲音裡沒半分失望，「老爸想弄懂，卻一輩子摸不到邊的事情，那可海了去了！」接著，他會發出爽朗的笑聲，一掌拍在我肩上——那力道渾厚得彷彿在拍他幻想中的兒子，卻又帶著只給獨生女的笨拙溫柔。他的目光越過我，望向某個遙遠的點，像是在對整個世界發言：「這世界啊，正因為有那麼多難懂的事，才怎麼也活不膩。很多時候，你以為自己學會了，其實沒有。直到某天回頭一看——嘿！當初沒看見的風景，竟然就在那裡。那才叫開心。」
對他而言，「理解」從不是必須勝利的征伐，困難亦非懲罰，而是隱藏驚喜的關卡。即便走到自身能力的崖邊，僅僅是眺望前方無法抵達的峰巒，那壯麗本身已是豐厚的獎賞。
Ring—
The alarm clock sliced through the morning mist and pierced the dream.
It was that dream again.
In the dream, I roamed freely in the infinite sky. I looked around greedily, soaking in every scene that flowed like nebulae—the world was so vast, abstract, and brilliant; complex yet filled with an inviting joy. I was ecstatic, as if I were born to fly this way.
As I flew, my father’s face naturally emerged.
He was the sky of my first flight. The wall of books at home was his domain: leather-bound scientific tomes, deep-space star maps on glossy paper, and sci-fi novels stuffed into every crevice. He always managed to brew the mysteries of black holes, consciousness, or next-generation tech into fairy tales a little girl could swallow. His eyes always shone with the light of a new discovery, eager to share how many inches he had expanded the boundaries of thought.
Of course, there were times I couldn't keep up. Concepts that were too abstract were like slippery fish; just as I caught a scale, they’d slip through my fingers. Whenever I fell silent out of frustration, he always sensed it.
"Does it matter?" He’d ruffle my hair, his deep voice devoid of disappointment. "There’s an ocean of things your old man wanted to understand but couldn't touch in a lifetime!" Then, he would let out a hearty laugh and slap my shoulder—a force so heavy it felt like he was slapping an imaginary son, yet carrying the clumsy tenderness reserved for an only daughter. His gaze would pass over me, looking toward a distant point, as if addressing the world: "This world, it's precisely because there are so many incomprehensible things that one never gets tired of living. Often, you think you’ve learned, but you haven't. Until one day you look back—hey! The scenery you didn't see before is right there. That’s true happiness."
To him, "understanding" was never a conquest that required victory, and difficulty was not a punishment, but a level hiding a surprise. Even standing at the cliff’s edge of his own ability, merely gazing at the unreachable peaks ahead was a rich reward in itself.
還記得某個午後，他試著向我解釋「意識」可能的來處，談論「自我」如何在時間中保持連續的幻覺，甚至引用了那艘不斷更換零件的「忒修斯之船」。冰冷的邏輯推演，讓年幼的我感到無以名狀的恐懼，彷彿「我」這個存在的基底，突然透明得搖晃起來。
我抬起頭，想從父親臉上尋找同樣的惶惑。
卻沒有。
他的眼神裡沒有陰霾或無奈，只有接納一切的清澈光芒。那光芒在說：與其糾結「我」是否符合某個理想的模樣，不如去擁抱這個能誕生如此奇妙問題的世界本身。存在的樂趣，在於追問的過程，而非一個確定的答案。
我好喜歡這樣的父親，也浸潤在他展開的這個開放而充滿無窮詰問的宇宙裡。我曾深信不疑，長大後的我，將繼承這份好奇與勇氣，敞開胸懷盡情擁抱認知的前線，不畏懼任何思辨的艱險，亦不執著於追尋盡頭是否有個名叫「答案」的彼岸——包括關於「我自身」的終極答案。
然而，就在我貪婪擷取夢中斑斕景致，任思緒如雲鳥縱情翻飛之際，目光卻不經意地墜落——向下，向深處。
我看見了。
I remember one afternoon he tried to explain the possible origins of "consciousness," talking about how the "self" maintains a continuous illusion through time, even citing the Ship of Theseus. The cold logical deduction gave my young self an unnamable fear, as if the very foundation of "me" had suddenly become transparent and shaky.
I looked up, trying to find the same bewilderment on my father’s face.
But it wasn't there.
There was no gloom or helplessness in his eyes, only a clear light that accepted everything. That light said: Instead of obsessing over whether "I" fit a certain ideal image, it is better to embrace the world itself that could birth such a wonderful question. The joy of existence lay in the process of questioning, not a definitive answer.
I loved my father so much, and I was immersed in this open universe of infinite interrogation he unfolded. I once believed firmly that the grown-up me would inherit this curiosity and courage, embracing the frontiers of cognition with an open heart, unafraid of any intellectual hardship, and not obsessed with finding a shore called "The Answer"—including the ultimate answer about "myself."
However, as I greedily captured the mottled scenery in my dream, letting my thoughts fly like cloud-birds, my gaze inadvertently fell—downward, into the depths.
I saw it.
我的身體，我存在的全部重量與根基，正安臥在離我無比遙遠的下方。
軀殼蜷縮如初生嬰孩，被包裹在一襲柔軟的襁褓中。那襁褓由教堂彩繪玻璃濾下的瑰麗光影、唱詩班層疊盤旋的莊嚴和聲，以及母親低調而溫柔的禱告，共同紡織而成。而本應捧握書卷或探索儀器的那雙手，卻緊緊攥著一枚巨大、沉靜，卻彷彿蘊含無窮引力的十字架。
尖銳的迷茫穿透了我的翱翔。就在這夢境的悖論中，母親的身影悄然浮現。
母親承襲外婆的信仰，是骨子裡透著虔誠的基督徒，只是這虔誠從不張揚。她不像父親那樣熱衷「世界如何運行」，她只是「在世界之中」安然存在。我童年每一次夜半發燒，額上敷來的清涼毛巾，總伴隨著她唇邊低語：「主啊，求祢看顧她。」每週例行的電話那頭，結尾那句「願神保守你」，其自然與必然，就如同「記得吃飯」一樣。
父親從未否定過任何人的信仰，否則他不會被母親吸引，並與她攜手共度人生。只是父親的世界過於遼闊明亮，光芒太過奪目，以至於母親心中那份信仰的燭火，相形之下私密得如同一件不便輕易示人的珍藏。她的信仰因而變得低調，卻從未動搖。她從不與我辯論神的存在——對她而言，那就像與人辯論我們是否正在呼吸一樣無謂。信仰之於她，是呼吸的節奏，是心跳的韻律，更是她所有愛意的源頭。
My body, the total weight and foundation of my existence, lay resting far below me.
The vessel was curled like a newborn, wrapped in a soft swaddle. That swaddle was woven together from the magnificent light filtered through church stained glass, the solemn, hovering harmonies of a choir, and my mother’s low and gentle prayers. And the hands that should have been holding books or exploring instruments were tightly clutching a giant, silent crucifix that seemed to contain infinite gravity.
A sharp confusion pierced my flight. In this paradox of dreams, my mother’s figure quietly appeared.
My mother inherited the faith of my grandmother; she was a Christian with piety in her bones, though it was never ostentatious. She wasn't as keen on "how the world works" as my father; she simply existed peacefully "within the world." Every midnight fever in my childhood, the cool towel on my forehead was always accompanied by her whispered prayer: "Lord, please look after her." At the end of every weekly routine phone call, the phrase "May God keep you" was as natural and inevitable as "remember to eat."
My father never denied anyone's faith; otherwise, he wouldn't have been attracted to my mother. It was just that my father’s world was too vast and bright, the light too dazzling, so that the candle of faith in my mother’s heart seemed, by comparison, as private as a treasure not easily shown. Her faith thus became low-key, but never wavered. She never debated the existence of God with me—to her, that was as pointless as debating whether we were breathing. Faith was her rhythm of breathing, her heartbeat, and the source of all her love.
記得我第一次懵懂地問她：「媽媽，上帝真的存在嗎？」
她沒有長篇大論，只是將我緊緊地擁入懷中。然後我聽見她的聲音，帶著我當時無法理解卻深受撼動的篤定，震動著我的耳膜：「如果沒有，媽媽對妳的愛，是從哪裡來的呢？」
那時的我並不明白，只感到心口掠過酸甜難辨的漣漪。我抬起頭，看見她臉上流淌著聖潔的溫柔光暈。那一刻，她的面容與她時常提起的「耶穌」，在我視野裡奇異地重疊了。
她也曾帶我去過教堂。牧師講述的信仰道理，往往與我理性搭建的認知路徑無法接軌。然而，當陽光透過高聳的彩窗，將五彩斑斕的光影潑灑一地；當管風琴的底韻托起眾人渾厚清澈的歌聲，將我層層包裹時，我體驗到奧秘難言的「臨在」；無需理解，只需沉浸。
鬆弛感接管了我，常年因思索而緊繃的神經，被一雙無形的手緩緩撫平。我抑制不住渾身的顫慄，並非出於恐懼，而是被無需我以任何努力去支撐或證明的寧靜整個淹沒。迥異於解開數學難題時巔峰般的興奮，卻以另一種方式，直抵存在的核心。
夢中，我凝視著下方那具既陌生又無比熟悉的身體。此刻，從那被信仰的溫暖所包裹的遙遠根基，正有一道脈絡向我湧來——那是由無數細碎光點匯成的涓流，宛如天使羽翼上抖落的輝光，聖靈低語的痕跡，以及晨星破碎後漫游的晶塵。它閃爍著，流淌著，連接著高處飛翔的頭顱與深處安眠的身體，編織成絢麗而虛幻的夢中夢。
I remember the first time I naively asked her: "Mom, does God really exist?"
She didn't give a long speech; she just held me tight. Then I heard her voice, carrying a certainty I couldn't understand then but was deeply moved by, vibrating against my eardrums: "If He didn't, where would my love for you come from?"
The me of that time didn't understand, only feeling ripples of bittersweetness in my heart. I looked up and saw a halo of holy tenderness flowing on her face. At that moment, her face and the "Jesus" she often mentioned strangely overlapped in my vision.
She had also taken me to church. The doctrines the pastor spoke of often failed to connect with the cognitive path built by my rationality. However, when the sun poured mottled colors across the floor through the high stained windows; when the bass of the pipe organ lifted the thick, clear voices of the crowd, wrapping me layer by layer, I experienced an unnamable "Presence." No understanding was needed; only immersion.
Relief took over; the nerves that were always tense from thinking were slowly smoothed by invisible hands. I couldn't stop trembling, not out of fear, but because I was completely submerged in a peace that required no effort from me to support or prove. It was different from the peak-like excitement of solving a math problem, but it reached the core of existence in another way.
In the dream, I stared at that body below, both strange and incredibly familiar. At this moment, from that distant foundation wrapped in the warmth of faith, a thread was surging toward me—a trickle composed of countless fine points of light, like the glow shaken from an angel’s wing, the traces of the Holy Spirit’s whisper, and the wandering dust of a broken morning star. It shimmered, it flowed, connecting the flying head above and the sleeping body below, weaving into a brilliant and illusory dream within a dream.
我深吸一口氣，將夢的餘緒暫且擱置。梳洗、早餐、收拾書包——日常的慣性動作像一層薄殼，封存了夜裡那些漂浮的意象。
如今的我，已是大學哲學系的學生。回想高中時期，幾乎所有人都認定我會走向物理，包括我自己。這並非誇口，物理與數學確實曾是我最得心應手的語言；公式與推演對我而言，有種嚴密優雅的美感。那時的我，彷彿看見自己正步上父親的後塵，成為一名無畏的探索者，向知識的前沿奮力奔去，享受思辨帶來的奔馳般的暢快。
I took a deep breath and set aside the remnants of the dream. Washing, breakfast, packing my bag—the routine actions were like a thin shell, sealing away those floating images of the night.
I am now a philosophy student at the university. Looking back at high school, almost everyone assumed I would go into physics, including myself. This is not a boast; physics and math were indeed my most proficient languages; formulas and deductions had a rigorous, elegant beauty to me. Back then, I seemed to see myself following in my father’s footsteps, becoming a fearless explorer, rushing toward the frontier of knowledge, enjoying the galloping thrill of thought.
然而……
每當我的視線投向最遙遠的認知地平線時，母親的身影總會悄然浮現，連同她所珍視的那片我既感隔閡又覺親切的信仰土壤。
我終究無法成為父親那樣純粹的追光者，目光無法只向前看，總會不由自主地回望。我無法對自己「從何而來」、「去向何方」乃至「究竟是什麼」這類問題擱置於懸而未決的境地。我更不僅想知道我能愛上什麼，還渴望辨識那愛著我的，到底是什麼。
仰頭看見昨夜殘星尚未完全褪去的天幕，耳邊響起母親在無數個清晨與夜晚的綿長禱告。來自無垠空間和心靈深井的聲音，在我體內共振成一片無從分割的和弦。
推開家門，晨光魯莽地湧入眼底。腦海中自由翱翔的興奮與輕盈尚未消散，可胸腔內留存了傳達全身的悸動。我帶著它們，帶著問不出口的疑惑，步入又是嶄新一日的大學課堂。
However...
Whenever my gaze turned toward the farthest horizon of cognition, my mother’s figure would quietly emerge, along with that soil of faith she cherished—a soil I felt both alienated from and intimate with.
I could not, after all, become a pure light-chaser like my father. My gaze couldn't only look forward; it would always involuntarily look back. I couldn't leave questions like "where did I come from," "where am I going," or even "what am I" in a state of suspension. I didn't just want to know what I could love; I longed to identify what it was that loved me.
Looking up at the sky where the remnant stars had not yet faded, the long prayers of my mother from countless mornings and nights echoed in my ears. Voices from the infinite space and the deep well of the soul resonated within me into an inseparable chord.
Pushing open the front door, the morning light rushed recklessly into my eyes. The excitement and lightness of flying freely in my mind had not yet dissipated, but the tremors remained in my chest, spreading through my body. I carried them, along with the questions I couldn't ask, into another new day of university classes.
---
二、教會
II. The Church
鬧鐘在禮拜天的清晨響起，聲音比平日更顯突兀。
「禮拜天」——我發現自己愈自然而然地使用這個詞，而非從前慣說的「星期日」。或許，這也暗示著什麼……
今天不用上學，但要去教會。為什麼？因為我想在那裡，尋找課堂與書頁之間尋不著的某種東西。
當初選擇哲學，曾以為找到了調和理想的解方——既能安放源於父親的那些層出不窮的「為什麼」，又能接住母親生命中那股「確信」的場域。我渴望在那覓見「正確」，讓探索的渴望與心靈的港灣能溫柔相嵌。
然而，大學裡的哲學課堂，更像精密卻冰冷的拆解車間。它賦予我更銳利的工具，教會我如何剖析概念、追溯思想的源流，卻也將所有關於意義的終極答案推得更遠，成為只能遙望卻無法觸及的標的。它甚至向我揭示出任何建立在獨斷信條上的宏大體系，在理性這面透鏡的審視下，其根基往往顯得搖搖欲墜。
The alarm rang on Sunday morning, the sound more abrupt than on weekdays.
"Sabbath"—I found myself using this word more naturally than "Sunday." Perhaps this, too, hinted at something...
No classes today, but I have to go to church. Why? Because I want to find something there that cannot be found between the lines of lectures and books.
When I chose philosophy, I thought I had found a solution to harmonize my ideals—a field that could house the endless "whys" from my father and catch the "certainty" in my mother’s life. I longed to find "Truth" there, allowing the thirst for exploration and the harbor of the soul to fit together gently.
However, the philosophy classroom at the university was more like a precise but cold disassembly workshop. It gave me sharper tools and taught me how to dissect concepts and trace the origins of thought, but it also pushed all ultimate answers about meaning further away, making them targets that could only be seen from afar but never touched. It even revealed to me that any grand system built on arbitrary dogmas often appeared shaky under the scrutiny of the lens of reason.
最讓我無所適從的，往往發生在精彩絕倫的課堂辯論之後。當邏輯的鏈條閉合，所有顯見的漏洞被一一駁倒，問題本身卻並未被解答，輕飄飄地懸浮起來，無處著陸。那並非空虛，更像是在傾盡全力的獨舞後，向著空無一人的觀眾席鞠躬。而在那片寂靜的理性盡頭，母親禱告的餘韻，反而像一盞固執地亮著的小小燈火，格外清晰，也格外讓人心頭一緊。
一個念頭開始羞怯地發芽：或許，有些答案從來不是「想」出來的，而是被「給予」的。 念頭掠過時，我總感到輕微的羞愧，彷彿背叛了父親傳承給我的視「探索過程本身即為至高獎賞」的信條。
在父親的探索之光與大學裡無休止的思辨映照下，母親的信仰，顯得那麼地「不聰明」，有點笨拙。可也正是這份笨拙，讓它莫名地惹人憐惜。我的心一邊憧憬著父親指出的遼闊而嚴謹的認知風景；另一邊，卻渴望著母親所在的溫柔、確定，彷彿永遠張開懷抱的小港灣。
校園迎新時，遇見了基督教社團的學長姊。他們臉上洋溢著彷彿找著了什麼的篤定，口中自然流暢的「耶穌愛你」，配上毫無保留的笑容與期盼，擊中了我——那笑容的質地，與記憶中的母親如此神似。
What left me most at a loss usually happened after a brilliant classroom debate. When the chain of logic was closed and all obvious loopholes were refuted, the question itself remained unanswered, floating lightly without landing. It wasn't emptiness; it was more like bowing to an empty audience after an all-out solo dance. And at the end of that silent reason, the lingering rhyme of my mother’s prayers, like a small, stubbornly lit lamp, became exceptionally clear and exceptionally heart-wrenching.
A thought began to shyly sprout: Perhaps, some answers are never "thought up," but are "given." Whenever the thought passed, I always felt a slight shame, as if I had betrayed the creed passed down by my father that "the process of exploration itself is the supreme reward."
Under the light of my father’s exploration and the endless speculation at the university, my mother’s faith seemed so "unintelligent," a bit clumsy. But it was precisely this clumsiness that made it inexplicably endearing. My heart longed for the vast and rigorous cognitive landscape my father pointed to; on the other hand, it craved the gentle, certain small harbor where my mother resided, as if always with open arms.
During the campus orientation, I met seniors from a Christian fellowship. Their faces radiated a certainty as if they had found something, and the naturally flowing "Jesus loves you" from their mouths, paired with unreserved smiles and expectations, hit me—the quality of that smile was so similar to my mother’s in memory.
自從告別童年，我追逐父親的腳步，不再隨母親踏進教堂，也迴避了她所懷抱的信仰。如今回望，我才漸漸明白——我逃避的，或許不僅僅是那份信仰本身；更深處，我害怕的可能是可能選擇去相信的自己。
該面對的，終究躲不掉。我在社團申請表上簽下名字，深吸一口氣，再次推開了教堂的門。
起初的幾次聚會，我渾身不自在。當會眾（我還無法稱呼彼此「弟兄姊妹」）齊聲高唱詩歌時，我的大腦無法理解：一位全能的創造者，為何需要受造之物的歌頌？團契中分享見證時，我總在心底默默質疑：上帝需要對個人生活如此細緻地干預，才能回應信徒的呼求？當演化論被駁斥為「虛假的理論」時，我幾乎想站起身質問：除了聖經，你們的根據是什麼？
……可是當一句句「耶穌愛你」不帶任何邏輯論證，伴隨著真摯的笑容，如溫水般一次次漫過我的心防，某種難以言喻的變化發生了。我感到心中那些日夜運轉的複雜「零件」，彷彿被看不見的手輕輕觸碰；當弟兄姊妹溫柔地說「耶穌正在調整你的生命」時，那些構成我存在的齒輪、連桿與彈簧，恍若真的被他們口中的那位，細緻地取出、耐心地調校、輕輕拭去塵埃，再安放回原處。
Since saying goodbye to childhood, I had followed in my father’s footsteps, no longer stepping into church with my mother, and avoiding the faith she held. Looking back now, I gradually understand—what I was fleeing was perhaps not just that faith itself; deeper down, I feared the "self" who might choose to believe.
What must be faced cannot be avoided. I signed my name on the fellowship application form, took a deep breath, and pushed open the church door again.
The first few gatherings, I was uncomfortable. When the congregation (I couldn't yet call them "brothers and sisters") sang hymns together, my brain couldn't understand: why would an almighty Creator need the praise of His creatures? When sharing testimonies in the fellowship, I always silently questioned in my heart: Does God need to intervene so meticulously in personal life to answer the prayers of believers? When evolution was dismissed as a "false theory," I almost wanted to stand up and ask: Besides the Bible, what is your basis?
...But when phrases like "Jesus loves you" came without any logical argument, accompanied by sincere smiles, washing over my heart like warm water again and again, an unnamable change occurred. I felt the complex "parts" in my heart that ran day and night being lightly touched by an invisible hand; when the brothers and sisters gently said, "Jesus is adjusting your life," the gears, rods, and springs that constituted my existence seemed truly to be meticulously taken out, patiently tuned, lightly dusted, and placed back in position by the One they spoke of.
我想抗拒，卻同時感到深切的渴望：如果我真是一具機器，至少，有誰知道該如何正確地組裝我。
我甚至分不清那雙無形的手，屬於耶穌，還是屬於母親。但母親說過，她屬於耶穌，屬於上帝。那麼，如果觸碰的溫柔，是從上主那裡流經母親，再傳遞到我身上——我怎能拒絕這份愛？
我的頭腦依然警醒，對聖經的字句與教會的教導提出一個又一個的質疑。但我的心，我那顆渴望被完整接納，渴望安頓而不再漂泊的心，卻似乎自作主張，想棲息在這無須證明、只須感受的溫柔裡。
每當又有弟兄（我漸漸接受了這稱呼）帶著熱切的神情向我分享他的領受，我的理性明明亮起紅燈，但在被信仰籠罩的氛圍中，那份質疑卻像不合時宜的異物，被純然的熱情像彈簧般，「噠」一聲從我體內彈開。
就在理性與情感持續拉鋸的時候，一位同校的姊妹敏銳地察覺了我的異樣。她耐心聽完我有些混亂的傾訴，坦誠地說她不太能理解我的掙扎——她出身基督教家庭，信仰於她是「本來就是如此」。有趣的是，她並非熱衷於傳教或神學辯論的人，更樂於欣賞生活中具體而微的美好，並且（她說到這裡眨了眨眼，帶著俏皮）——她有一位並不信主的「異邦人」男友。
「也許，」她提議，「妳需要的不是在內心的矛盾間鑽牛角尖，相信主會在祂決定好的時機對妳作工。現在的話，妳可以讓另一種『愛』，來豐富妳的生命感受。要不要試試參加聯誼？就當作……去看看不同的風景。」
坦白說，我已被內在的風暴佔據，對「戀愛」本身並無多餘的憧憬或心力。但她的話，像在密不透風的房間裡，推開了一扇窗。或許這是值得嘗試的岔路？在她的邀約下，我點了頭。
I wanted to resist, but at the same time, I felt a deep longing: if I truly were a machine, at least someone knew how to assemble me correctly.
I couldn't even distinguish if those invisible hands belonged to Jesus or to my mother. But my mother said she belonged to Jesus, belonged to God. So, if the tenderness of the touch flowed from the Lord through my mother to me—how could I refuse this love?
My head remained alert, raising one question after another about the words of the Bible and the teachings of the church. But my heart, that heart that longed to be completely accepted, that longed to be settled and no longer adrift, seemed to act on its own, wanting to rest in this tenderness that required no proof, only feeling.
Whenever another "brother" (I gradually accepted this title) shared his insights with me with a fervent expression, my reason clearly lit a red light, but in the atmosphere shrouded by faith, that doubt was like an ill-timed foreign object, snapped out of my body by pure enthusiasm like a spring, with a "click."
While the tug-of-war between reason and emotion continued, a sister from the same school keenly sensed my abnormality. She patiently listened to my somewhat confused outpouring and honestly said she couldn't quite understand my struggle—she came from a Christian family, and faith to her was "just how things are." Interestingly, she wasn't someone keen on proselytizing or theological debate; she preferred to appreciate the specific, subtle beauties in life, and (she blinked here, mischievously)—she had a "foreigner" (unbeliever) boyfriend.
"Maybe," she suggested, "what you need is not to back yourself into a corner with internal contradictions. Trust that the Lord will work on you in His appointed time. For now, you can let another kind of 'love' enrich your life experience. Why not try attending a mixer? Just treat it as... seeing different scenery."
To be honest, I was already occupied by the internal storm and had no extra longing or energy for "romance" itself. But her words were like pushing open a window in a stuffy room. Perhaps this was a detour worth trying? Under her invitation, I nodded.
---
三、初遇
III. The First Encounter
那位熱心的姊妹與她讀醫學系的男友，帶我一起報名了校際聯誼。他們偽裝成尚未相戀的男女，陪我入場，減緩我的侷促。等我稍稍適應那種混合了期待與評估的氣氛後，他們藉故離開，把空間留給我。
會場並不如我想像中洋溢著五光十色的狂歡。人人掛著禮貌的笑意，自我介紹時字斟句酌，謹慎地營造形象。即便偶有略顯張揚的表現，也看得出是精心計算後的展示。陸續有幾個人過來與我攀談，開場白總是從天氣或場合切入，但話題的箭頭，最終無一例外地轉向對「個人資料」的探詢，比如「妳讀什麼系？」交換完關鍵情報後，往往是更直接的邀約或索要聯絡方式。流程符合邏輯，效率無可指摘，只是那種明確的目的性，讓一切顯得有些……扁平，像翻閱一份打印出來的工作文檔。
我捧著甜膩的飲料，退到略暗的角落，考慮提前離場。
然後，他走了過來。
他沒有「進入狀況」。沒有打量，沒有寒暄，甚至沒有看向我。他目光越過我肩膀，盯著天花板，用分享秘密般的口氣說：「妳看那些垂下来的燈串，像不像老式科幻片裡的……腦波放大器？」
我愣了一下，隨即笑了出來。不是因為這個比喻有多高明，而是因為他。在所有人都努力扮演「合格聯誼對象」的空間裡，他卻像個走錯片場的觀眾，自顧自地對佈景發表評論。
That enthusiastic sister and her medical-student boyfriend signed up with me for an inter-collegiate mixer. They disguised themselves as a couple not yet in love to accompany me, easing my awkwardness. Once I had slightly adapted to the atmosphere of mixed expectation and evaluation, they made an excuse to leave, giving me space.
The venue wasn't overflowing with colorful revelry as I had imagined. Everyone wore polite smiles, choosing their words carefully during self-introductions, cautiously crafting their image. Even if there were occasional flashy performances, they were clearly calculated displays. Several people came over to talk to me; the opening lines always started with the weather or the occasion, but the arrows of the conversation, without exception, eventually turned to inquiries about "personal data," like "What department are you in?" After exchanging key intel, it was often followed by more direct invitations or requests for contact info. The process followed logic, the efficiency was beyond reproach, but that clear purposefulness made everything seem a bit... flat, like flipping through a printed work document.
I held a sweet drink and retreated to a dim corner, considering an early exit.
Then, he walked over.
He wasn't "in character." No sizing up, no small talk, he didn't even look at me. His gaze passed over my shoulder, staring at the ceiling, and in a tone like sharing a secret, he said: "Look at those hanging light strings. Don't they look like... brainwave amplifiers from an old sci-fi movie?"
I froze for a moment, then laughed. Not because the metaphor was so brilliant, but because of him. In a space where everyone was trying to play a "qualified mixer candidate," he was like a member of the audience who had walked onto the wrong set, commenting on the scenery to himself.
他依然不「進入狀況」。他不問我的系所、不問我的興趣，反而開始聊他最近讀到的關於量子計算的報導，感慨科技迭代的速度；又提到某部冷門的科幻影集，對其中的人性隱喻津津樂道；他甚至談起遠方的以巴衝突，語氣裡沒有簡單的立場，只有對無盡苦難的嘆息。他的思緒跳躍，言談間卻帶著真誠的分享欲，彷彿只是需要聽眾，而我恰好在這裡。
他的目的或許和場中其他男生並無不同，但這個繞了遠路、顯得有些扭捏的他，卻先慷慨地攤開自己世界的一角。
「你是第一個沒問我讀什麼系的人。」我忍不住開口，帶了點調侃。
他轉過臉來，眼神裡閃過刻意，然後猜：「物理？」
我笑出了聲。怎麼會這麼巧？
「哲學。」我搖搖頭，笑意更深，「但高中時，真的認真想過要念物理。只是……」話語在這裡打了個小小的結。
更幽微的思緒被觸動了，我下意識地將手輕輕按在胸口，「……只是這裡有些東西，物理公式好像裝不下。它們在問著……更古老的問題。」
He still didn't "get in character." He didn't ask my department or interests; instead, he started talking about a report he recently read on quantum computing, lamenting the speed of technological iteration; then he mentioned an obscure sci-fi series, relishing its metaphors for humanity; he even talked about the distant Israeli-Palestinian conflict, his tone lacking simple stances, only possessing a sigh for endless suffering. His thoughts jumped, but there was a sincere desire to share in his speech, as if he just needed an audience and I happened to be there.
His purpose might not be different from other guys in the room, but this version of him, who took a long way round and seemed a bit awkward, generously spread out a corner of his world first.
"You're the first person who hasn't asked what department I'm in," I couldn't help but say, with a bit of a tease.
He turned his face, a flash of calculation in his eyes, then guessed: "Physics?"
I burst out laughing. How could it be such a coincidence?
"Philosophy." I shook my head, my smile deepening. "But in high school, I really did think seriously about studying physics. It’s just..." the words hit a small snag here.
Subtle thoughts were touched; I subconsciously pressed my hand lightly to my chest. "...It’s just that there are some things here that physics formulas can't seem to fit. They are asking... older questions."
他沒有放過這個停頓，好奇地追問是什麼裝不下。
「物理給的答案太乾淨了。」我說，「它能告訴你光如何折射，卻不會告訴你，為什麼看見彩虹時胸口會發緊。」
他歪頭：「發緊？」
我聳聳肩，想迴避什麼，用開玩笑的語氣掩飾：「對啊，就像……被宇宙按了讚。」
但他沒笑。他看著我的眼神，像在看一個他無法解碼的訊號。我忽然厭倦了偽裝，厭倦了將那樣的自己藏起。於是我深吸一口氣：「我媽會說那是神的應許，但我不想用那句話結尾。我寧願讓那個『發緊的感覺』懸在那裡。」
說完，我有點後悔。
He didn't let the pause go, curiously asking what couldn't be fitted.
"The answers physics gives are too clean," I said. "It can tell you how light refracts, but it won't tell you why your heart tightens when you see a rainbow."
He tilted his head: "Tightens?"
I shrugged, wanting to avoid something, masking it with a joking tone: "Yeah, like... being 'liked' by the universe."
But he didn't laugh. He looked at me with a gaze as if seeing a signal he couldn't decode. I suddenly grew tired of the disguise, tired of hiding that part of myself. So I took a deep breath: "My mom would say it's God's promise, but I don't want to end with that sentence. I'd rather let that 'tightening feeling' hang there."
After saying it, I regretted it a bit.
我停下來，想看他會露出怎樣的表情——是覺得玄虛，是不耐，還是徹底失去興趣？
他臉上先是一閃而過的困惑，隨即困惑化為瞭然——他聽出其中來自基督教背景的隱喻。但他沒有像一些人那樣，因嗅到「潛在信徒」的氣味而禮貌退卻，或是急於辯論。他的好奇心反而被點燃，與我談起信仰與感知的關係。而當我話鋒一轉，聊起康德的自在之物或量子力學的哲學詮釋時，他的眼睛亮了起來，閃爍的光芒，如此熟悉——像極了父親談起不可知論時那種純粹的快樂。
這就是我們的開始。
I stopped, wanting to see what kind of expression he would show—would he think it was mysterious, be impatient, or lose interest entirely?
First, a flash of confusion crossed his face, which then turned into realization—he heard the metaphor from a Christian background. But he didn't politely retreat because he smelled a "potential convert," nor was he eager to debate. Instead, his curiosity was ignited, and he talked with me about the relationship between faith and perception. And when I changed the subject to talk about Kant’s "Thing-in-Itself" or the philosophical interpretations of quantum mechanics, his eyes lit up with a spark so familiar—so much like my father’s pure joy when talking about agnosticism.
That was our beginning.
---
四、熟悉
IV. Familiarity
我們見面的次數越來越多，多到那位姊妹見到我時，臉上總會浮現「果然如此」的曖昧笑意。
有次他約在科技博物館。我們並肩漫步，在初代機器人的展櫃前停下。他對著裸露的齒輪與糾纏的電線，興致盎然地剖析其中蘊含的人類自戀與天真。我聽著，指尖隔著玻璃，描摹機器人那雙永不眨動的眼眸。沒有情緒，沒有慾望，只有極其笨拙的「試圖存在」的姿態。
就在我們轉身要走時，一句話未經大腦允許，徑自從我唇邊滑出：「可是，會不會正因為不完美，這些試圖理解我們的造物，才顯得格外真摯、格外溫柔？」
話音剛落，我自己先怔住了。玻璃上映出我的側影，竟與櫃中機器人的輪廓隱隱重疊。我彷彿同時站在了玻璃的兩側——既是觀察者，亦是同為「受造之物」，以未完成的姿態，仰望著遙遠而沉默的源頭。
The number of times we met increased, to the point that when the sister saw me, an ambiguous "as I thought" smile would always appear on her face.
Once he arranged to meet at the Science and Technology Museum. We wandered side by side and stopped in front of the display case of early robots. He enthusiastically analyzed the human narcissism and naivety inherent in the exposed gears and tangled wires. I listened, tracing the robot’s unblinking eyes through the glass. No emotion, no desire, only an extremely clumsy posture of "trying to exist."
Just as we turned to leave, a sentence slipped from my lips without my brain's permission: "But, could it be that precisely because of the imperfection, these creations trying to understand us seem exceptionally sincere, exceptionally gentle?"
The moment I finished, I froze. My profile reflected in the glass faintly overlapped with the silhouette of the robot in the case. I felt as if I were standing on both sides of the glass at the same time—both the observer and a fellow "created being," looking up at a distant and silent source in an unfinished state.
毫無來由的酸澀衝上鼻腔。「我去下洗手間。」我低聲說，倉促地逃離那展櫃。
在隔間裡，淚珠不爭氣地滾落。我想起母親那句「願主保守你」。這些機器人被製造時，會對它們的「主」懷有同樣的心願嗎？當它們被拆解成零件，看清自己不過是可替換、可修改的模組時，會是怎樣的心情？「被擁有」帶來的是安心，還是不甘？而我……是否也正被某種更高的存在，如此「擁有」著？
A groundless sourness rushed to my nose. "I'm going to the restroom," I said in a low voice, hurriedly escaping the display case.
In the stall, tears rolled down ungracefully. I thought of my mother’s "May the Lord keep you." When these robots were made, would they have the same wish for their "Lord"? When they were disassembled into parts and saw clearly that they were nothing more than replaceable, modifiable modules, what would their feelings be? Does "being owned" bring peace of mind, or resentment? And I... was I also being so "owned" by some higher existence?
我用冷水拍打臉頰，對著鏡子練習幾次微笑。直到確認所有情緒的痕跡都已藏妥，才深吸一口氣，走出去，回到他身邊，用稍顯刻意的輕快語調談論下一個展品。
只是，我知道，有一部分的我遺落了，永遠留在了映著我與機器人雙重倒影的玻璃櫃前。
我們也常去校園旁的二手書店，那是我用來逃避世界、又貪婪著理解世界的秘密洞穴。一次，在神學論述與存在主義著作的狹窄夾縫裡，我抽出頁緣捲曲的聶魯達詩集，翻到熟悉的折角。
「你看，」我指給他看，「『愛是這麼短，遺忘是這麼長』。但下面有人用鉛筆加注：『神說：我以永遠的愛愛你。』」
他盯著那兩行字，在穿進書店的夕陽中，他認真地問我：「妳更相信哪一句？」
我的目光在兩句之間徘徊。它們來自兩段不同的時空，卻狹路相逢，在這泛黃的書頁上交鋒。我深知聶魯達道出了屬於血肉的真實，可內在的企求，卻對後者產生了鄉愁般的悸動。
「我相信，」我終於說，聲音輕得怕驚醒什麼：「折角的那人，曾經很認真地活過。」
I splashed cold water on my cheeks and practiced smiling several times in the mirror. Until I confirmed that all traces of emotion were hidden, I took a deep breath, walked out, went back to his side, and talked about the next exhibit in a slightly forced, light tone.
Only, I knew that a part of me was lost, left forever in front of the glass case reflecting the double shadow of me and the robot.
We also often went to the second-hand bookstore next to the campus; it was my secret cave for escaping the world and greedily trying to understand it. Once, in the narrow gap between theological discourse and existentialist works, I pulled out a volume of Neruda’s poetry with curled edges, turning to a familiar folded corner.
"Look," I pointed it out to him, "'Love is so short, forgetting is so long.' But someone added a note in pencil below: 'God says: I have loved you with an everlasting love.'"
He stared at those two lines; in the sunset streaming into the bookstore, he asked me seriously: "Which line do you believe more?"
My gaze wandered between the two lines. They came from two different times and spaces, yet met on a narrow road, clashing on this yellowed page. I knew Neruda spoke a truth belonging to flesh and blood, but my internal plea felt a nostalgic tremor for the latter.
"I believe," I finally said, my voice so light I was afraid of waking something: "The person who folded that corner once lived very seriously."
是啊，認真。就像母親在父親那過於明亮的世界裡，依然低著頭，認真持守著自己那盞燭火。
我相信那份「認真」本身，無論它指向瞬息的詩意還是永恒的應許。那種不願麻木度日、掙扎著想要確認什麼的姿態，就是生命存在的證據。
我闔上書，像是闔上了一扇自己還不敢完全踏入的房間的門。
Yes, seriously. Just like my mother in my father’s overly bright world, still bowing her head, seriously holding her own candle.
I believe that "seriousness" itself, whether it points to a fleeting poetic sentiment or an eternal promise. That posture of not wanting to live numbly, of struggling to want to confirm something, is the evidence of the existence of life.
I closed the book, as if closing a door to a room I didn't yet dare to fully step into.
---
五、轉變
V. Transformation
我們的關係在思想與情感的流動中日益深植。關於信仰、存在與愛的幽微思緒，漸漸能在對方面前放心攤開，不加過度修飾。
三個月後的雨夜，我鼓起勇氣，邀他同去教會的青年團契。我想讓他看看沉浸於信仰氛圍中的我，想藉由他的陪伴，讓我對那份仍在生長的歸屬感安心，也想讓他認識他較為陌生的那個面向的我。
他略作遲疑，臉上閃過觀察興味與對我的關切，最終點了點頭。
當晚的教會裡雨水順著彩繪玻璃流下，聖徒的面容在朦朧光暈中顯得格外悲憫。我坐在他身邊，牧師講著「因信稱義」的奧秘，那些詞句我聽過無數次，理智上仍覺得隔了一層。
然而，當會眾一齊低頭，寂靜覆蓋整個空間時，難以言喻的溫暖緩緩漫上，將我包裹。我閉上眼，隨眾人禱告，將某個自己交託出去。
Our relationship deepened day by day in the flow of thought and emotion. Subtle thoughts about faith, existence, and love could gradually be laid out before each other without excessive modification.
Three months later, on a rainy night, I gathered the courage to invite him to the church’s youth fellowship. I wanted him to see me immersed in the atmosphere of faith; I wanted to use his company to ease my mind about the sense of belonging that was still growing, and I also wanted him to know the side of me that was unfamiliar to him.
He hesitated slightly, a flash of observational interest and concern for me on his face, and finally nodded.
That night in the church, rain flowed down the stained glass, and the faces of the saints looked exceptionally compassionate in the hazy glow. I sat beside him, the pastor talking about the mystery of "Justification by Faith"—I had heard those words countless times, and they still felt separated by a layer intellectually.
However, when the congregation bowed their heads together and silence covered the entire space, an unnamable warmth slowly washed over me, wrapping me up. I closed my eyes, prayed with everyone, and entrusted a part of myself.
禱告中，我的膝蓋不經意輕碰他的。我瞥見他臉上的茫然與無措，意識到自己將他帶到了一個不屬於他的領域，歉意悄然滋生。但與此同時，另一種不該有的心緒也冒了頭：我想把這樣的他，也帶進這片光裡。
從那樣的思緒中抽身，我攤開他的掌心，用指尖寫下：「快好了，等下帶你去吃擔擔麵。」
寫完，心裡有惡作劇般的輕快，也感謝他肯陪我前來，面對我尚未完全理解、卻已被其深深吸引的「陌生」。
麵館裡熱氣蒸騰。我談起家庭，語氣故作輕鬆。父親的理性宇宙多麼壯麗迷人，母親的信仰世界又如此溫柔堅韌。「媽媽從不和我討論神是否存在，」我說，「她只是……活在那種確信裡。」
「現在我好像慢慢聽懂了，」我停下筷子，眼神有些放空，「聽懂那種……『被接住』的感覺。」
During the prayer, my knee accidentally touched his. I glimpsed the blankness and helplessness on his face, realizing I had brought him to a realm that didn't belong to him; an apology quietly grew. But at the same time, another feeling that shouldn't have been there also popped up: I wanted to bring him into this light as well.
Pulling myself away from such thoughts, I spread out his palm and wrote with my fingertip: "Almost done, I'll take you to eat Dandan noodles later."
After writing, there was a prankish lightness in my heart, and I also thanked him for being willing to come with me, facing the "strangeness" I didn't yet fully understand but was already deeply attracted to.
The noodle shop was steaming with heat. I talked about my family, my tone feigning ease. How magnificent and fascinating my father’s rational universe was, and how gentle and resilient my mother’s world of faith was. "Mom never discussed with me whether God exists," I said. "She just... lives in that certainty."
"Now I seem to slowly understand," I stopped my chopsticks, my eyes a bit blank, "understand that feeling of... 'being caught'."
「被接住？」他問。
「嗯。就像小時候學騎車，父親在後面扶著車架，告訴我怎麼保持平衡；但當我快要摔倒的瞬間，是母親驚呼著衝上來，一把抱住我……」我尋找著詞彙，「信仰之於我，好像不是那穩固的車架，而是突如其來的『擁抱』。我還沒受洗，但總覺得有一天會。」
我吃驚於自己會這麼說，然而我卻若無其事般，繼續說著。「就像……」我不好意思地笑了笑，「就像完成人生清單上的某個待辦事項。」
人生清單。
"Being caught?" he asked.
"Yeah. Like when I was a kid learning to ride a bike, my father supported the frame from behind, telling me how to keep my balance; but the moment I was about to fall, it was my mother who cried out and rushed up, catching me in her arms..." I looked for words, "Faith to me seems not to be that solid frame, but a sudden 'embrace.' I haven't been baptized yet, but I feel like I will be one day."
I was surprised that I would say this, yet I continued as if nothing were wrong. "Just like..." I smiled sheepishly, "just like completing a to-do item on a bucket list."
Bucket list.
這個詞脫口而出後，微妙的寒顫爬過脊背。關於我存在的敘事，難道早在出生之前就已擬好，只等著我按部就班地演繹？我感到一絲恐懼，對這個正逐漸讓渡主導權的自己；但同時，讓人軟弱的安心感又將我托住——我不再需要為「終極答案」負全責了。
我望向他，問他是否覺得奇怪。他說不會，眼神誠懇，沒有敷衍。我甚至在他眼底捕捉到一抹自信，彷彿他認定我將陷入漫長的自我辯證；而他，將是那個能最終將我「帶回」岸邊的人。
我不知是否該為此感到安慰。他的陪伴，究竟能陪我走到哪道邊界？
After the word slipped out, a subtle chill crawled up my spine. Was the narrative of my existence already drafted before birth, just waiting for me to act it out step by step? I felt a trace of fear toward this self that was gradually ceding control; but at the same time, a weakening sense of peace held me up—I no longer needed to take full responsibility for the "ultimate answer."
I looked at him and asked if he thought it was strange. He said no, his eyes sincere, not perfunctory. I even caught a flash of confidence in his eyes, as if he assumed I would fall into a long self-dialectic; and he would be the one who could finally "bring me back" to the shore.
I didn't know whether to be comforted by this. How far could his company walk with me?
春天步入尾聲，內在的天平愈發傾斜。「被接住」的實感日益清晰，像潮汐牽引著月亮，催促我向前。我越來越頻繁地提起「受洗」，語調混合著對新生的熱切，與對舊日時光的告別。
某個午後，我讀到《羅馬書》8:28，奇妙的激動攫住了我。我迫不及待地將手機屏幕遞到他眼前：「你看！『萬事都互相效力，叫愛神的人得益處。』我們的相遇，說不定也是這計畫中的一部分呢！」
Spring came to an end, and the internal scales tilted more and more. The actual feeling of "being caught" became clearer day by day, like the tide pulling the moon, urging me forward. I mentioned "baptism" more and more frequently, my tone mixed with enthusiasm for a new life and farewell to old times.
One afternoon, I read Romans 8:28, and a wonderful excitement seized me. I hurriedly handed the phone screen to his eyes: "Look! 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.' Our meeting might also be a part of this plan!"
我想與他分享這份喜悅，這份將我們偶然邂逅編入永恒敘事的浪漫。
但他聽完，表情凝滯了。他問，難道我們共處的一切，包括抱怨咖啡太酸這樣的瑣碎，都是某個宏大劇本里被預先編寫好的情節？
「不是『編寫』，」我連忙糾正，心底掠過焦急，怕他誤解信仰是強制性的操縱，「是『被允許』。是在無數混亂的可能性中，神引導而出的路徑。」
為了讓他明白，我甚至搬出了父親與他都曾與我談及的雙狹縫干涉實驗。「我們就像那兩顆光子，在相遇之前，擁有無限可能的軌跡。但有一位超越的觀察者，祂的恩典讓我們波函數的疊加態，」我指尖在桌面上一點，強調確定，「坍縮成了我們此刻的相遇。這不是強制的安排，是最溫柔的引導。」
我說得無比認真，試圖用我們共有的「科學語言」，搭建一座理解的橋樑。但話語脫口而出的瞬間，我感到生硬。這個比喻真的妥貼嗎？抑或只是我急於為內心日益膨脹的「歸屬感」縫製的理性外衣？曾經為疊加態的哲學意涵著迷的我，會認同這樣的使用嗎？她會如何看待這個急於用科學為信仰背書的我？
他喉結動了動，眼神複雜。而我心中翻湧的波濤，竟未在他面前顯露一絲漣漪。
那一堵我早已隱約感知，卻始終不願正視的透明之牆，彷彿砌上了更堅硬的磚石。牆的那邊，是我正加速歸航的港灣；牆的這邊，是他，以及他所熟悉且喜愛的，曾經充滿可能性的我。
心底掠過一絲遺憾。
I wanted to share this joy with him, this romance that wove our accidental encounter into an eternal narrative.
But after he heard it, his expression froze. He asked, did it mean everything we did together, including trivialities like complaining that the coffee was too sour, were pre-written plots in some grand script?
"It's not 'written'," I hurriedly corrected, a surge of anxiety in my heart, afraid he would misunderstand faith as mandatory manipulation, "it's 'allowed.' It's the path God guided out from countless chaotic possibilities."
To make him understand, I even brought up the double-slit interference experiment both he and my father had discussed with me. "We are like those two photons; before meeting, we had trajectories of infinite possibilities. But there is a transcendent observer; His grace allowed our wavefunction’s superposition state," I pointed a finger at the table, emphasizing certainty, "to collapse into our meeting right now. This is not a forced arrangement, it is the gentlest guidance."
I spoke with absolute seriousness, trying to use the "scientific language" we shared to build a bridge of understanding. But the moment the words left my mouth, I felt stiff. Is this metaphor truly appropriate? Or is it just a rational cloak I hurriedly sewed for the growing "sense of belonging" in my heart? Would the me who was once fascinated by the philosophical meaning of the superposition state agree with such use? How would she view this me who was eager to endorse faith with science?
His Adam’s apple moved, his gaze complex. And the waves surging in my heart didn't show a single ripple before him.
The transparent wall I had long since vaguely sensed but was always unwilling to face seemed to be built with harder bricks. On the other side of the wall was the harbor I was accelerating toward; on this side of the wall was him, and the me he was familiar with and loved, who was once full of possibilities.
A hint of regret crossed my heart.
當夜回到宿舍，前所未有的衝動驅使我關緊房門，拉上窗簾。在寂靜中，如同進行神聖又褻瀆的儀式，我緩緩地將自己的「頭」取了下來。
接著，我敞開了胸膛，讓那顆兀自搏動的心臟暴露。我抱著自己的頭顱，走到鏡前。鏡中映出關於「我」的詭異景象：我的「思維」與我的「存在」，正以荒誕的方式分離對望。
胸腔中的心臟依然流轉著多色光暈——暖黃的眷戀、幽藍的深思、赭紅的激情。但在這些斑斕之間，清晰而強勢的銀白光已然形成。它並非另一種色彩，更像是律定秩序的邊界。它正在規訓著其他情感之光，檢視它們是否夠「純淨」，是否還在「虧缺著神的榮耀」。
手中這承載了過多「傲慢」的頭顱，總是試圖以有限的理解去揣度無限，在由銀白光主宰的「心」面前，它顯得如此格格不入，宛如自己國度裡的異邦人。
看著鏡中那顆越來越像信仰容器的「心」，我將懷裡的頭顱用力按向胸口，額頭緊緊抵住跳動的心臟，力道之大，幾乎要讓那規律的搏動為之停滯。
這都是我。 這分裂的、爭戰的、試圖相互吞噬的，都是我僅有的所有。
他的愛，如此真摯，如此溫柔，卻對發生在我存在根基處的變異，完全使不上力氣。或許，正因那愛太過真摯溫柔，才失去可以將我牢牢錨定的強硬力道。
我茫然地看著鏡中的我，不知該為遇到的是這樣一個他而慶幸，還是只能為這樣的他，湧上深深的惋惜。
That night back at the dorm, an unprecedented impulse drove me to lock the door and draw the curtains. In the silence, like performing a sacred yet sacrilegious ritual, I slowly took off my "head."
Next, I opened my chest, exposing that heart that was pulsing on its own. I held my own head and walked to the mirror. The mirror reflected a bizarre scene of "me": my "thought" and my "existence" were separating and looking at each other in an absurd way.
The heart in the chest still flowed with multicolored halos—the warm yellow of attachment, the ethereal blue of deep thought, the ochre red of passion. But between these colors, a clear and powerful silver-white light had already formed. It wasn't another color; it was more like a boundary that determined order. It was disciplining the other lights of emotion, checking if they were "pure" enough, if they were still "falling short of the glory of God."
This head in my hands, which carried too much "arrogance," always tried to speculate on the infinite with limited understanding; before the "heart" dominated by silver-white light, it appeared so out of place, like a foreigner in its own kingdom.
Looking at that "heart" in the mirror which looked more and more like a vessel of faith, I pressed the head in my arms hard against my chest, my forehead tightly against the beating heart, the force so great that it almost made the regular pulse stop.
This is all me. This divided, warring, mutually-consuming thing is all that I have.
His love, so sincere and gentle, was completely powerless against the mutation occurring at the foundation of my existence. Perhaps, precisely because that love was too sincere and gentle, it lost the hard force that could anchor me firmly.
I looked blankly at me in the mirror, not knowing whether to be grateful for meeting such a person as him, or only able to feel a deep lament for him.
---
六、歸屬
VI. Belonging
我與他見面的次數有增無減，但橫亙在我們之間的，是日益厚重的壁壘。
我們爆發了第一次爭執。起因是我讀到一段經文，內心澎湃，急於與他分享，想讓他看見其中蘊藏的智慧與恩典如何照亮生命的紋理。他聽後，卻用那種我曾經欣賞、此刻卻覺得刺耳的語氣說：這段話傳達的情感與道理，在許多作品中都能找到迴響，並非獨特。
我激動起來，質問他怎能如此輕慢地看待上帝的啟示？內心有個聲音在指責他的傲慢與心硬；但與此同時，另一個更微弱的我卻在小聲附和：他說得其實沒錯。而這份「附和」，也一起被心中佔據主導的「我」嚴厲地批判。
The number of times I met him increased, but what lay between us was an increasingly thick wall.
We had our first argument. The cause was a passage of scripture I read; my heart was surging, and I was eager to share it with him, wanting him to see how the wisdom and grace contained within illuminated the textures of life. After he heard it, he used that tone I once appreciated but now found grating: the emotion and truth conveyed in this passage can be found echoed in many works; it’s not unique.
I became agitated, questioning how he could so lightly view God's revelation. A voice inside was accusing him of arrogance and hard-heartedness; but at the same time, another, weaker me was whispering in agreement: He’s actually right. And this "agreement" was also severely criticized by the "me" occupying the dominant position in my heart.
不知是出於憤怒，還是出於懊悔，淚水奪眶而出。我從他面前逃開了，逃離了映照出自己已然陌生的面目的災難。
我漫無目的地在街上遊蕩。路過一間從未留意過的飾品店時，雙腳不受控制地直角轉彎，將我帶了進去。
甚至無需目光搜尋，便自動鎖定在櫃檯一隅——一條懸掛著小巧十字架的銀色項鍊，靜靜躺在那裡，彷彿它一直在此等待；而今日的徬徨，只是為了履行這場命中注定的認領。
我知道，我離不開它了。或許，是這輩子。
買下它後，試著戴上。然而，當我捏起那細細的鏈子，雙手卻像被相反的力量支配，僵硬、笨拙，無法完成將它環繞脖頸的簡單動作。
店員小姐察覺，帶著善意的微笑上前：「需要幫忙嗎？」聲音柔和，動作自然。在這種不帶任何攻擊性的溫柔面前，殘存的抗拒都失去了立足點。每一次，都是如此。
她纖細的雙手環過我的頸項，髮絲傳來淡淡的香氣。「咔嗒」一聲，清晰地宣告：我的脖頸，從此有了位永久住戶。金屬的冰涼貼合皮膚，激起一陣凜然的戰慄。我感覺到我的「腦」與「心」之間，被安置了一位盡責的督察。它將以最嚴格的標準，審核所有內在的溝通，堅定地引導我，並為我走向那條唯一「正確」的道路與而欣慰。
有個我在啜泣，有個我在歡欣。
Whether out of anger or regret, tears burst forth. I fled from him, escaping the disaster that reflected my already unfamiliar face.
I wandered aimlessly on the street. Passing an accessory shop I had never noticed before, my feet made a right-angle turn beyond my control, bringing me inside.
I didn't even need to search; I automatically locked onto a corner of the counter—a silver necklace with a small crucifix hanging from it lay there quietly, as if it had been waiting here all along; and today’s hesitation was only to fulfill this destined claim.
I knew I couldn't leave it. Perhaps, for this lifetime.
After buying it, I tried to put it on. However, when I pinched the thin chain, my hands seemed to be dominated by an opposing force, stiff and clumsy, unable to complete the simple action of looping it around my neck.
The shop assistant noticed and stepped forward with a kind smile: "Need help?" Her voice was soft, her actions natural. Before this non-aggressive tenderness, any remaining resistance lost its foothold. Every time, it was like this.
Her slender hands looped around my neck, a faint scent coming from her hair. With a "click," it clearly announced: my neck now had a permanent resident. The coldness of the metal against my skin triggered a solemn tremor. I felt that between my "brain" and "heart," a dutiful inspector had been placed. It would review all internal communication with the strictest standards, firmly guide me, and be gratified that I was walking toward that only "correct" path.
A me was sobbing; a me was rejoicing.
走出店門，覺得自己像重新編寫了導航程式的機器人。舊有的「自我」已然蒸發，身體被冥冥之中的牽引力所接管，茫然卻又精確地移動。
我的雙腳並未滿足於此。它們帶我踏入鞋店，走向一雙棕色皮革涼鞋。在店員的協助下，我褪下陪伴我走過許多路途、沾著塵世泥土的舊步鞋，將雙足緩緩套入新鞋中。皮革陌生的觸感讓我順服，我的雙腳彷彿不再屬於奔波求索的凡人，而成了宗教畫中天使的雙足，潔淨、輕盈，只為行往神聖的所在。那雙舊鞋，被我毫無留戀地扔進垃圾桶——我不再需要它們了，不再需要走向「別處」。
我低頭，看著這雙承載著新我的腳。它們或許比我更早蒙受祝福，只是曾被追逐地平線的狂妄，覆蓋了本性。
Walking out of the shop, I felt like a robot that had rewritten its navigation program. The old "self" had evaporated, and the body was taken over by a mysterious pulling force, moving blankly yet precisely.
My feet were not satisfied with this. They led me into a shoe store, toward a pair of brown leather sandals. With the help of the clerk, I took off my old sneakers that had walked many paths with me and were stained with the dust of the mortal world, and slowly slipped my feet into the new shoes. The unfamiliar touch of the leather made me submissive; my feet no longer seemed to belong to a mortal running and seeking, but became the feet of an angel in a religious painting, clean and light, only for walking toward sacred places. Those old shoes were thrown into the trash can by me without lingering—I no longer needed them, no longer needed to go "elsewhere."
I looked down at these feet carrying the new me. They might have received the blessing earlier than I did, but were once covered by the arrogance of chasing the horizon.
最後，我買下一件白色連衣裙。當它從頭套下，覆蓋我全身時，前所未有的感覺湧遍四肢百骸：我，被完成了。
連衣裙白得如此純粹，讓被包裹的我像剛被組裝下線的產品，身上還帶著『出廠設定』的潔淨光暈。
走在傍晚的街道上，嶄新的自己潔凈得彷彿剛被祂的手，從永恆的國度中輕輕放下，安置於紛擾的人間。所有的猶疑、分裂、掙扎，都被熨平、歸零。
我知道，從裡到外，從心到形，我屬神了。
Finally, I bought a white dress. When it was pulled over my head and covered my body, an unprecedented feeling surged through my limbs: I was completed.
The dress was so purely white that it made the wrapped me look like a product just assembled and off the line, with the clean halo of "factory settings" still on me.
Walking on the street in the evening, the brand-new self was so clean it was as if she had just been gently set down from the eternal kingdom by His hand, placed in the bustling human world. All hesitation, division, and struggle were ironed out and reset to zero.
I knew, from inside to outside, from heart to form, I belonged to God.
---
七、告別
VII. Farewell
進入七月，內在的校準抵達了終點。如同儀器完成最後一輪調試，「準備就緒」的提示音，在靈魂深處清脆地叩響。
Entering July, the internal calibration reached its end. Like an instrument completing its last round of tuning, the "ready" prompt rang clearly in the depths of my sou
「就在下個月。」我面對他，竭力讓聲線平穩如常，但眼底的光，想必洩漏了我的熱切，以及……告別，「受洗的前夜，你能來教堂嗎？就我們兩人。」
他問，去做什麼。
我沉默片刻，目光不由自主地越過他，投向我正奔赴的應許之地。
「我要把我自己，」字句出口時，自己都感到殘忍，「委託給你。由你來……幫我完成最後的步驟，護送我成為神的兒女。」我感覺他瞬間僵硬，將聲音放得更柔，「我有點緊張，但也感到從未有過的安心。因為終於……要對齊了。」
"Next month." I faced him, trying hard to keep my voice steady, but the light in my eyes must have leaked my fervor and... farewell. "The night before the baptism, can you come to the church? Just the two of us."
He asked, for what.
I was silent for a moment, my gaze involuntarily passing over him toward the promised land I was rushing to.
"I want to entrust myself," the words felt cruel even to me, "to you. You will... help me complete the final step, escorting me to become a child of God." I felt him stiffen instantly and softened my voice further. "I'm a bit nervous, but I also feel a peace I've never felt before. Because finally... it’s going to be aligned."
「對齊什麼？」他的聲音有些發緊。
「我的裡面。」我的話語輕如嘆息，「那些一直有點……歪斜的部分。對世界無休止的疑問，對愛既渴望又恐懼的顫抖，對永恆混雜著想像與疏離的眺望……它們都很好，真的。」我將手按在胸口，「但它們指向不同的星辰，讓我內在始終處於溫柔卻也疲憊的失衡裡。受洗之後，它們會找到共同的坐標原點。我終於要與被造之初就已形成的，我真正的輪廓，完整重合了。」
"Aligned with what?" his voice was a bit tight.
"My inside." My words were as light as a sigh. "Those parts that have always been a bit... tilted. The endless questions about the world, the trembling mixed with desire and fear for love, the gaze at eternity mixed with imagination and alienation... they are all good, really." I pressed my hand to my chest. "But they point to different stars, keeping my interior always in a gentle but weary imbalance. After the baptism, they will find a common origin of coordinates. I am finally going to completely overlap with my true silhouette, formed at the beginning of creation."
說出「歪斜」這詞時，心像被針刺了一下。我太清楚了，他最初為之傾心的，正是這些「歪斜」。如今，我卻親手將它們標記為待修正的系統偏差。混雜著感謝與歉意的洶湧心緒，朝向了他。
對不起。我沒能讓你愛上的我，留存到最後，沒讓她伴著你一起走。即便你此刻依然愛著我……這樣的愛，對你而言，何其不公。
我的聲音卻依舊溫婉、平靜，如同執行編程好的任務：「雖然教會有牧師可以施洗，但只有你……我只想自己託付給你。再由你，親手交給上帝。」他的眼睛，目光澄澈見底，卻也哀傷得映不出他眼中那不忍細讀的身影。「我期待被完成，但被完成前的這個我，」我再次按住心口，「只想，也只能留在你這裡。」
When I said the word "tilted," my heart felt as if it were pricked by a needle. I knew too well that what he was initially attracted to were precisely these "tilts." Now, I was personally marking them as system deviations to be corrected. A surging state of mind mixed with gratitude and apology turned toward him.
I'm sorry. I couldn't let the me you fell in love with remain until the end, didn't let her walk with you. Even if you still love me now... such love, for you, is so unfair.
My voice remained gentle and calm, like performing a programmed task: "Although the church has a pastor who can baptize, only you... I only want to entrust myself to you. Then you, personally hand me over to God." His eyes, with a gaze clear to the bottom, were also so sad they couldn't reflect the figure in his eyes that he couldn't bear to read closely. "I look forward to being completed, but this me before being completed," I pressed my heart again, "only wants, and can only stay here with you."
這是我所能構思的終極託付，也是對我們共築過的一切，最決絕的告別。
我知道他無法拒絕，並非因為他認同那彼岸，而是因為他沉陷於此岸的愛——愛著這個尚未被對齊而即將湮滅的，歪斜的我。
痛苦與不捨在他眼中激烈翻湧，我的心也被狠狠攥緊。然而，內心深處那召喚的聖詠，響亮如洪鐘，足以淹沒所有猶疑。我親手為我們兩人鋪設了這條單行道，通向月光下的教堂，通向我將躺上的儀式桌，通向我注定要成為的……「屬神的」新我。
This was the ultimate entrustment I could conceive, and also the most resolute farewell to everything we had built together.
I knew he couldn't refuse, not because he agreed with that other shore, but because he was submerged in the love of this shore—loving this tilted me who was not yet aligned and was about to be annihilated.
Pain and reluctance surged violently in his eyes, and my heart was also tightly gripped. However, the calling psalm in my heart was as loud as a bell, enough to drown out all hesitation. I personally paved this one-way street for the two of us, leading to the church under the moonlight, to the ritual table I would lie on, to the "God-owned" new me I was destined to become.
而我曾珍視的「舊我」，她將被永遠封存——留在了他即將看著我步入永恆的那道目光之中。
And the "old me" I once cherished, she would be permanently sealed—left in that gaze with which he was about to watch me step into eternity.
---
八、當下
VIII. The Present
「怎麼，又在考古妳的少女時代啦？再看，那個糾結的小姑娘也變不回來囉。」
……
帶著戲謔的中年男人嗓音，把我從日記本泛黃的惆悵，一把撈回明亮得有些過分的客廳。
「是回不來了，就像你那顆日益穩固的『中年象徵』也縮不回去一樣。」我沒好氣地回敬，目光從紙頁移開，落在他只穿著內衣褲、愜意晃動的身影上。
說起來，這副德性才是他的「本質」嗎？追求期思辨閃耀的自信模樣，篡改信仰後與我共度「幸福」七年的憂心面龐，真相揭露後那張被罪疚掏空、彷彿餘生只剩贖罪的臉，乃至浸淫在感恩與歉意中的泫然欲泣……我都見過。唯獨沒見過這個敢於袒露小腹，把油膩當幽默，在我面前徹底「放飛」的他。
"What, archaeologizing your teenage years again? Look all you want, that tangled little girl isn't coming back."
......
The joking voice of a middle-aged man pulled me back from the yellowed melancholy of the diary into the somewhat overly bright living room.
"She’s not coming back, just as your increasingly stable 'middle-aged symbol' isn't shrinking back either." I retorted crossly, shifting my gaze from the pages to his figure comfortably swaying in just his underwear.
Speaking of which, is this state his "essence"? The confident look of the thinking period, the worried face of the seven years we spent in "happiness" after tampering with faith, the face hollowed out by guilt after the truth was revealed as if only atonement remained for the rest of his life, even the tearfulness immersed in gratitude and apology... I’ve seen them all. Only I hadn't seen this version of him who dared to expose his belly, treating greasiness as humor, and completely "letting go" in front of me.
唉，或許這份理直氣壯的鬆弛，才是剝離所有戲劇與傷痕後，他最真實的內核。
「再也見不到讓你當初神魂顛倒的女孩，會不會有點遺憾？」我故意刺他，語帶調侃。
他竟認真地想了想。「懷念啊。懷念她彷彿走在鋼索上的飄渺空靈，讓人心疼，更讓人珍惜。懷念她為了維持平衡使盡全力，甚至為了『留住我愛的那個她』而掙扎的模樣。」
Sigh, perhaps this righteous relaxation is his truest core after stripping away all drama and scars.
"Is it a bit of a regret that you’ll never see the girl who once made your soul turn upside down again?" I poked him on purpose, with a mocking tone.
He actually thought about it seriously. "I miss her. Miss her ethereal, empty spirit as if walking on a tightrope, making one’s heart ache, and even more, making one cherish her. Miss the way she put all her effort into maintaining balance, even struggling to 'keep the her I loved'."
他難得一臉誠懇地湊近，「那個最初的妳，我從未忘記。但說實話，她也從未真的離開。」
「哦？」我挑起眉。畢竟後來那些解構、背叛、掙扎與重建，早已把我重塑了不知多少遍。
他沒回答，卻做了預料之外的動作——手熟練地伸向我胸前，像打開使用多年的櫥櫃般，「咔」地一聲輕響，敞開了我的胸膛。
心臟就在那裡，安穩搏動。各色光暈自在流轉，不需要邊界區隔彼此。曾經代表信仰秩序的銀白，如今泛著溫潤的光，彷彿它的存在只為了調和，讓所有情感的流淌不致混亂，卻不壓制任何一抹色彩。
「曾經苦苦尋找平衡點的妳，」他凝視我的心，眼神是瞭然的溫柔，「其實早已不需要那個『點』了。妳在持續的動態與矛盾裡，找到了更遼闊的自由——自由到不再把『自由』掛在嘴邊。」
He leaned in with a rare sincere face. "That original you, I have never forgotten. But honestly, she has never really left."
"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow. After all, those later deconstructions, betrayals, struggles, and reconstructions had long since reshaped me who knows how many times.
He didn't answer, but did something unexpected—his hand expertly reached for my chest, opening it with a light "click" like opening a cabinet used for many years.
The heart was right there, beating steadily. Halos of various colors flowed freely, needing no boundaries to separate each other. The silver-white that once represented the order of faith now glowed with a warm light, as if its existence was only for harmony, letting all emotions flow without chaos, yet not suppressing any single color.
"The you who was bitterly searching for a balance point," he stared at my heart, his gaze an understanding tenderness, "actually no longer needs that 'point.' In continuous dynamics and contradictions, you found a broader freedom—so free that you no longer talk about 'freedom'."
拜託，這傢伙的心理活動，還能演繹得這麼變幻自如？
我真是服了他。曾經，我歷經掙扎，走在了被罪與扭曲困住的他前方；如今我歸來，破繭而出的他，倒一下躍入雲端，整個人通透澄澈，圓融自在。
——但能不能別「通透」到只穿內衣褲在我眼前展示「圓融」的小腹啊！我也是視覺動物好嗎！當初那帶著憂鬱氣息的帥氣小哥哪裡去了？
罷了。我順手取下自己的頭顱，遞給他。我們一起看著此刻「我」的模樣。
在他懷抱裡，我靜靜凝視胸腔中流轉的光。突然，腹部傳來一陣熟悉的抽動。「唔，」我輕哼，「你的小孩，又在提意見了。」
我將視線向上移，與他低頭看我的目光相遇，「好了，現在這副軀體裡，需要你小心呵護的，可不只這顆心了。」
他笑嘻嘻地把我的頭顱摟得更緊。「什麼時候『只』珍惜過妳的心了？」他賊笑，語氣膩得能滴出油，「妳那雙讓我第一次在博物館就驚豔的腿、纖細卻有力量的優雅臂膀，還有這副總是能接住我所有混亂的曼妙身軀……我可一直惦記著呢。」
天啊。我產生比當年經歷「天啟」重裝時，更為劇烈而混合著噁心與甜蜜的顫慄。
「說起來，」我必須轉移戰場，扳回一城，「你最近都沒問我『還算不算基督徒』了？不再介意了？」
「嗯？」他一臉理所當然，「既是，又不是吧。或者說，『基督徒』這個標籤，就像妳脖子上這條項鍊，」他指尖輕觸我頸間的銀鏈，「它圈出被定義的平面，標明特定屬性的通道。但在這平面之上，是妳好思辨的頭顱和生動的臉；在這平面之下，是妳情感豐沛的心與承載一切的身體。項鍊定義了存在如何『通過』，但通過前後，妳依然是無垠的妳。妳的精彩，早已溢出了任何框架的邊界；在內在外，我都照單全收。」
看來，這回合我又贏不了他了。我的哲學是 「I can be not me」，而他卻是 「Whatever what I am」般的寬闊。
Please, can this guy’s psychological activity still be interpreted so flexibly?
I really have to hand it to him. Once, I went through struggles and walked ahead of him who was trapped by sin and distortion; now I have returned, and he, who has emerged from his cocoon, has instead leaped into the clouds, being transparent, clear, and harmonious.
—But could you please not be so "transparent" that you show your "harmonious" belly in just your underwear in front of me! I'm a visual animal too, okay! Where is that handsome young guy with the melancholic atmosphere from back then?
Forget it. I casually took off my own head and handed it to him. We looked at the appearance of "me" right now together.
In his arms, I quietly gazed at the light flowing in my chest. Suddenly, a familiar twitch came from my abdomen. "Mmh," I hummed lightly, "your child is raising an objection again."
I moved my gaze upward, meeting his gaze as he looked down at me. "Alright, now in this body, what you need to carefully cherish is not just this heart."
He grinningly held my head tighter. "When have I 'only' cherished your heart?" he smirked, his tone so sweet it could drip oil. "Those legs that first amazed me in the museum, the slender yet powerful elegant arms, and this graceful body that can always catch all my chaos... I’ve always been thinking about them."
God. I produced a tremor more violent and mixed with nausea and sweetness than when I experienced the "Revelation" re-installation.
"Speaking of which," I had to shift the battlefield to win a round, "you haven't asked me if 'I'm still a Christian' lately? Not minding anymore?"
"Huh?" he took it as a matter of course, "Both yes and no, I guess. Or, the 'Christian' label is like this necklace on your neck," his fingertip lightly touched the silver chain at my neck, "it circles out a defined plane, marking a channel for specific attributes. But above this plane is your thinking head and vivid face; below this plane is your heart full of emotion and the body carrying everything. The necklace defines how existence 'passes through,' but before and after passing through, you are still the infinite you. Your brilliance has long overflowed the boundaries of any framework; inside and out, I take it all."
It seems I couldn't beat him this round either. My philosophy is "I can be not me," while his is a breadth like "Whatever what I am."
我們在自我、信仰與存在的迷宮裡繞了好大一圈，最終落腳的地方，不過是飄著飯菜香、開著無聊玩笑、充滿瑣碎等待與溫柔觸碰的日常。
我們都沒有成為彼此最初愛上的預期，卻無比慶幸對方最終長成了預期之外的模樣。彷彿那些曾經，只是一件需要再剪裁的青春時期略顯緊繃的衣裳。
我空著的那隻手，輕輕撫上隆起的小腹。看來不久之後，這顆心臟的光譜裡，又要添一抹嶄新的顏色了。
我將另一隻手中的舊日記，輕輕闔上。
下次見了，曾經那個困惑又認真的「我」。
而現在，我得去阻止「通透」過頭的那位，別只穿內衣褲就去開門拿外送了。
We went in a big circle in the maze of self, faith, and existence, and the place we finally landed was nothing more than a daily life smelling of food, making boring jokes, full of trivial waiting and gentle touches.
Neither of us became the expectation the other first fell in love with, yet we were infinitely grateful that the other finally grew into a shape beyond expectation. It was as if those pasts were just a piece of clothing from youth that needed to be recut and were a bit tight.
With my free hand, I lightly touched the bulging belly. It seems that soon, a brand-new color will be added to the spectrum of this heart.
I gently closed the old diary in my other hand.
See you next time, the once confused and serious "me."
And now, I have to stop the one who is too "transparent" from going to open the door for delivery in just his underwear.
